All I've done is make a complete fool out of myself in front of you. I'm at even more of a loss for words than I ever was. And I wish today never happened. But alas, this is life, no?

I want a coat made of your leather, your fur, your nails.

When we broke up, all I wanted was for you to feel terrible and to regret ever letting me go. And so why do I feel so terrible? I'm glad we are able to set aside our difference and have fun just like we used to, but I'm afraid we are getting a little too much like we used to. You were always such a great friend to me, better friend than boyfriend, I'm afraid, but I think I was the same to you. Last night you said something funny and somehow He was brought up. You quickly muttered something I didn't understand, and then you repeated it, "He only went away because you stopped trying."

Funny how you only notice me when I'm about to leave

Don't think I will ever forget what it feels like when you look at me, or that crooked smile you get when you look me straight in the eyes, as if you're staring into my soul so casually. But that crooked smile. It's crooked, but it's genuine. Or how self-conscious you get when I'm around, as if you need to try to impress me. You're beautiful exactly how you are. Perfectly imperfect, everything I could ever want in a single human being. This is why it will never work out. It never works out for instances like this. Not that this has happened before ever in my life, but of course, it's what everybody says isn't it?

We've always shared this bizarre "connection" where we know exactly what the other is thinking simply because we are thinking the same exact thing at the same exact moment. For instance, simultaneously sending each other random text messages because we wanted to talk to one another but had no idea what to say. Then you'd point out how weird it was how we had texted each other at the same time. Or like tonight, when even after we had spoke in a while, I decided to be brave and ask you to go to join us at the movies to see Cowboys & Aliens, and then you reply with how you were just making plans to go see it. So you told me where you were and we did afterall go see the movie together. I'm not sure what this type of thing means, or why it surprises you so much every time it happens, but it's most likely just a coincidence.

Could you tell I was afraid?

I'm an animal, you're an animal too.

ME AND THE DEVIL

If it's meant to happen, it will happen.

Don't think I'll ever forget the night you told me loved me. You told me you never remembered it, but you knew what you were saying. That's just how you are.

Still trying to figure you out.

I always want what I can't have. But I'm so grateful that I was blessed with this new pup. She's been doing me so much good, keeping me safe, giving me her love, and being my best friend. However, I haven't yet forgotten Moose. I never will. I know he's still watching me from wherever he is, and making sure Tink is keeping me alive.

There's something inside of you that you never let me see. And it kills because that is all I want. For you to let me in. I never asked for him to come back to me, I didn't want him too. All I want is you. The curiosity is killing this cat, Tiger. Come back.

My mother thinks you're trying to get back together with me. #sodoeseveryoneelse But nobody never asks about what I want, and it isn't that.

Song of the Summer [So Far].

Man, Shania Twain is the shit.



Aaand this could easily be my favorite thing I've seen all summer. Billy Currington <3 Hahah

Also, who directs country music videos? They're terrible. Let me do it!

I will never forget the first time I laid eyes on you. You were wearing a blue plaid button down shirt with a pair of cutoff jean shorts. He introduced me to you, and you just waved and smiled. I couldn't stop staring. And I just thought, "Well, what does a girl have to do to get me a man like that?" I secretly hoped that every time I would go into to visit him, you'd be there. And for a while, you weren't. I forgot about you. Then a few days after he broke up with me, I went into that damned shop again. You were wearing that blue plaid shirt again too. And like that first time, you just waved and smiled, but shaking your head a little bit as if you knew I would be there. Then I thought to myself, "Who the hell does this faggot think he is? I ought to slap that stupid smile right off his face right here and now."

My god, how I love those eyes. And oh how I wish I didn't.

Got stuck at the stop light in front of your work today. I gave two angry middle fingers. Took a lot for me to not get out of the car and piss in front of the shop entrance. Janina was also with me. She said she saw you the other day. Weird. It's okay though, because I won't be lonely long. You know who loves Filipino women? Military men. And Spanish men. Oh, and guess who loves Filipino women the most? Black men.

Ugh.

I don't want to feel like the world is out to get me, but I really can't help it. You just up'd and left me. Like he did. I can't help but think you guys were talking about this all along behind my back and still just won't let me know for your own stupid purposes. The worst part is, I have no idea why I'm feeling this way about HIM. We talked for a mere couple weeks, but that was seriously the happiest I've been in a while. When he touched me, he meant it. Or at least it felt as if he did. I still can't help but think I'm the spawn of Satan, put on this world just to test peoples loyalties and bring them down with me whenever I can. I prayed and prayed for Evan and I to work out because he was everything I could have wanted in a man right down to the T. At least I had him when I had him. It still sucks though. This so-called vacation is now turning lonely, which is the exact reason why I didn't want to be here in the first place. Ugh..two more months and then I get to see my sister, my father, and my beloved San Diego.

Should really take Pablo up on that ticket to Florida. I've been here for 4 days and I already want to leave. Surprise, surprise.

Everyone here just thinks I'm fucked up, and I am, but so are they.


ps. it's just silly that they were both trying to talk to me at the same time, and then now what? boys and their stupid competitiveness.

I just want you to give us a chance.