My family always puts me last on the list of importance for anything. Hence why all my psychological problems manifested into..this.

I can't help but hate you both for how I've become because you still haven't taken responsibility for how fucked up it was to have a child after neither of you gave anymore fucks. Every ounce of trouble I got myself into growing up was because I didn't know better, and nobody told me otherwise growing up. I didn't know what right from wrong was. So every couple years I find out something new, something bad that has happened in my life, that I should've said "no" to, but I didn't have any guidance or anyone to tell me these things were wrong.

I have always been treated differently because I was too white or because I was too Filipino.

And that's why my father wonders why I never call. And my mother wonders why I never pick up. Because both of you created this monster, and it's just, "well, what can you do now?" You all think I can deal with it on my own, but I can't. I've tried for so long, and I'm tired.

So let's all just give our problems to God, drink and smoke ourselves into oblivion and just fucking forget about all the mistakes we made in life because we can't do anything about them now.

It's hard. When you finally find your psychotic other half, you don't want to let go. No one will understand you like they do. And they and everybody else knows it.

Sometimes I wake up with a completely different outlook to life. It's not everyday yet, but it's been that way the past few weeks. My therapist says I even sound different, confident, and content. Now if only I could figure out how to eat regularly so I can stop the little weird phases. I want to be healthy. But it seems like everyone around me doesn't. And it's difficult for me to cut the energy between us. Slowly, but surely. I do feel a lot better though. I finally feel like I'm living.

I feel like I'm strapped at the ankles to the luggage and suitcases of my past, and somebody just threw us in the water. I'm swimming and swimming as hard as I can, but I can't. I can't do it alone. I feel like I'm just drowning. Drowning and missing you.

It's been difficult for me lately to face the fact last year at this time I was happy and I was in love. This isn't supposed to be getting harder.

Today was the first time in weeks where I saw someone that reminded me of him. The funny thing was, it wasn't so much that he reminded me of him but that he was essentially the spitting image. Skinnier, maybe a little taller, but his hands were different. And it wasn't until after I had walked right passed him, freaked myself out for a minute waiting for the bus and get on to find that he feels the need to sit right next to me on the bus. Meanwhile I'm squished between my devil's lookalike and his very very large friend or classmate and they talking over me. The most uncomfortable situation I have ever found myself in to this day. I could barely look over at him for a while. The universe is just sending me some tough love I guess that wouldn't yet take me over the edge. But I fear the day it sends me something that does.

Suddenly feeling more alive and more complete as soon as I put my new fur on. What does this say about me? And why am I feeling like this? ..I wouldn't doubt if it were from some sort of a cat.

X

"It's like you're screaming, and no one can hear
You almost feel ashamed
That someone could be that important
That without them, you feel like nothing
No one will ever understand how much it hurts
You feel hopeless; like nothing can save you
And when it's over, and it's gone
You almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back
Just so that you could have the good."

The Sun & Stars. When you have to lie to your soul-mate that you're seeing someone, to see if they actually still care and love you, and you find out that they do in fact still love you, but for some reason you try to make them believe that you don't, even though they've been accusing you the past couple of weeks that you're still in love with them because they didn't want you to be anymore. You just have to stop. This is when I definitely realized that we just can't be together right now. And believe me when I say I'm dying inside because of it. I just can't be running in circles anymore. I pray the universe one day brings us back together, but not like before, healthier, happier, the best we've ever been. But just together. Forever. -The Moon

Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up without anymore tears...

Also, thanks for finally telling me the difference between our relationship and what your relationship was with Leah. I always thought you were different too. <3

I'm okay, I just want to get high. We talked, or I tried to talk to him, he couldn't calm down. And I saw a really really broken side of him..even more broken than me...he's so broken and hurt and there's nothing I can do or say that can fix him right now..maybe in a couple months down the road. But there's nothing I can do for him now.
His words were all in circles, he couldn't remember things he just said maybe 5 minutes before. He just kept accusing me of being crazy, saying nothing I said made sense. He's lost, stuck somewhere. I want to help him so bad but I can't. Not right now.

It's just all so funny because he reminds me of how I was when Pablo and I were together. But I am Pablo in this one.

I have the attention of too many men without giving them anything in return. It grows difficult battling my demons lately, I could hurt you so bad if I wanted to, or have somebody else do it. My heart is so full of vengeance, but only because I want you to be mine. And for me to be yours, like we once were. You were the only who was truly just as fucked up as I, obviously an unhealthy situation, but the point of the story is that you and I are one in the same. I have contemplated many a time what I would do if I ever set foot in the same room as my other half, what would I do or say. Well I believe I have, and I messed up during my chance, so you better believe I'm going to do anything I can to get you back. But if you knew anything about the amount of times I have been offered to have you "taken care of," you'd most definitely be mine.

No matter how drunk we were the night before, you'd always get up before me the next morning and cook the most amazing breakfast or lunch. Any meal of the day. Anything. Your food brought me life and energy to live again. I need another bite of the apple.

I voted!

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." -Bill, age 4.

I don't want to be talented, I don't want to be beautiful. I want to be completely in love with someone and I want them to be completely in love with me too. Real love. Real bohemian love.

I was hoping that when I opened my eyes, you'd magically appear for me.

Maybe I'll cut my hair like this after Halloween