Crying all night because I'm not drunk anymore and all I want is to forget you exist. It's happening. But today I remembered. These are unfortunately some of the only memories I have of you. Although I don't mind much.

No one will ever understand our love because I don't think we even understand it. From what I've learned, that's what love is. Complicated, heartbreaking, soul shattering, it's not easy. That's for sure. It's in your gut. You feel it. This time, it was much stronger. Core-shaking, is what Cathy called it. It was like how every time I saw you, your soul grabbed mine by the spine, and it was as if we needed to be together. We needed to be one. We were one. At once. Before some God somewhere decided that we needed to be apart to find our way back to each other. Maybe so that we could both learn how to live and love ourselves first, then each other. And what we had was us prematurely trying to shove ourselves back together again.

The worst part is when I wake up from a dream about you, and I swear I can still feel you there with me. Smell you on my sheets, the sweat, the booze, the sex, and how even after it all, you still smelled so clean. I thought this was only supposed to get easier. I still wake up and see you there next to me. In my tiny bed, cramped. We're facing each other with only the early morning sun covering us, legs entwined. We are just looking, searching, longing? into each other's eyes, just staring into each other's souls. The sun was so bright that day, I couldn't remember if your eyes were green or blue. But they were neither. More gray than anything else if I remember. But I would like to remember.

The last time I had you, I couldn't stay in bed. Though I wanted to. I knew if I did, it would take me deeper. Now all I can do is run away as far as I can go, and hope that one day you remember what this is, and you end up at my door again.

 I want that you are always happy. I want that you are always safe. I want that you are always doing what you love. I want that you are always loving who you are meant to love, safe and warm. Somewhere with someone you can call home. I want that one day you have your beautiful red-headed, freckled children. I want that you get to see your 30th birthday, and your 40th, and 50th, 60th, and every single one thereafter. I want that one day you can see me for who and what I actually am. I want that one day we will see eye to eye. That we both won't be so broken and sad and hurting each other. I want that one day we can work together again, coexist again, and love again. Not the same way we did before, but better. Where each day with you is better than the last. I want that one day we won't need any drugs or alcohol, but only each other. Just us. Nobody else.

 I'm difficult right now, but I promise that I'm worth it.

Spoke too soon last night, I couldn't sleep, maybe you read my stupid blog post. Oh well. This is what I needed. Thank you. I'm over it. And I'm over you. After this week, my unfinished business with this town will be settled. I can move on with my life, and walk away like none of this ever happened. Because perhaps that's what this is, all this ever was, and that's all you were. Just a figment of my imagination.

The thing is, there's nothing sexier than an honest man. And I will take your baggage along with mine as long as you're honest with me. That's all you've ever been, since the day we met. Honest, a little scared, but you were honest. 

And I let my ego and bad habits get in the way of that.

Is my childhood so fucked up I can't remember a better time than getting McDonald's after church or just hanging out at the pond? With my two different family's under one dysfunctional roof.

Last night, a new friend asked me why I ever left Virginia in the first place, and I was literally dumbfounded. I wanted to stay and talk some more, but the entire situation just caught me off guard.

The thing about me is that I'm not the type of girl that settles for less. I know what I want and I go get it. But I'm also very, very patient.

How come its only when you're gone that I realize all my skeletons are gone too?

Because when neither of us were strong enough to bring us back together, it was our passion for filmmaking that did.

I will keep my intentions to myself, but I have intentions. And maybe later they will manifest, but right now, I won't get ahead of myself. Good things come to those who wait.

"Just go away and get out of my head," she said. As if the solution would be so damn simple.

Because slicing my throat seems like the easiest thing to do right now

When you're in love with someone, you see how broken they are and you love them anyway. In fact, seeing all of that sort of makes you love them more. But that doesn't give them the right to treat you like shit.

And with this last note, I salute you. Cheers, love.

Weed does nothing for me, like it once did.

The first and last time I told you that you were perfect, you got mad and told me that you didn't know anything about me. It sounds all too familiar. <3

Waking up as soon as your REM starts kicking in because it seems the person you are dreaming of is right beside you.

When your manic depressive tendencies literally make you sick to your stomach. I can't handle this whirlwind of emotions, I need to cut something out. Something or someone. And it makes me sick because I know exactly which one I need rid myself of but I don't want to. Only 4 more weeks.

For the first time ever, I cried because you're leaving me in a month.

This one is constantly surprising me. But also with him, I'm also constantly surprising myself.

My problem with therapy is that I'm sitting across from someone without any of the same values or interests and I let them dictate my life because I tell them certain things that are always misperceived. I don't know how to explain myself. Or I don't want to explain myself.

My therapist told me a lot of the things I believe I am perceiving in real life are actually in my head. But now, I'm just stuck in my head. I am even more confused than I was before. How can I analyze anything I'm doing or what's going on, if this is all happening in my head...what is real?

I thought therapy was supposed to help me, not make me even more overwhelmed of the amount of things I can't do right..

There are always the ones that somehow make you feel beautiful, but they make you nervous because you aren't sure if you're good enough for them, or if they're even good enough for you. Other times there are the ones that you can enjoy the silence with and feel serene for the first time in ages. Highly conflicted feelings. Sigh. Why can't I just know right off the bat which one is better for me?