I used to think we could reach each others thoughts because if we were talking and I thought long and hard enough, you would ask or say exactly what I was thinking you would say. Maybe I just guessed long enough in my head to be right. But sometimes now I will just sit by myself, and pretend that I'm talking to you, hoping that somewhere you are doing the same thing. I feel like the closer I get to leaving, the more and more I miss you. It's times like tonight where I am almost reluctant to go out because I think about what it would have been like if we went together, because I know, despite what you think, we would have a good time together. Probably an even better time than I am going to have.

My mom keeps telling me to not be upset when I go to work because it will keep me busy. But everything there reminds me of you. Sneaking you in to see all the pets, you standing outside with me when I walk the dogs, making sure that none of them kill me, calling you while I fold laundry, or not being able to hear you when I'm in the kennel, texting you when I'm waiting in the hallway to help doctors. Thank you for not ignoring me and my calls. I just want us to be okay again because right now, I miss you so much.

I remember when we used to take naps together. Sometimes in the morning after our parents left for work, or even just after I came home from work on a saturday afternoon just like this. Now I can only fall asleep if I'm by your side.

Going home is always the worst part of my day, no matter who I'm with.

"We'd look better when we're dead."

Today, my new shrink asked me where all my anger was. And I honestly didn't know..She said, "You should hate him so much; he betrayed you, made you believe all these things, and then turned his back on all of it." I don't know why, but this whole time, I haven't. I mean, I suppose I hate him for putting a little halt on my ideas for the future, but it's nothing I couldn't figure out on my own. I think that maybe I am just too in love with him to be that way.

And then later on, I was talking to Vicky and I was just thinking aloud, but I said, "I hate how all adults or older people think that kids around our age don't know what love it. I wonder why." And she said, "Well, yeah. I feel like this is the time where you know and don't know the most. This is the time where you're the most fragile, but still looking, and willing to look to find love." And even though I never looked to love Pablo, it found me, I think that is true. I was planning on spending the rest, or at least my entire life with him. I never cared that I could or couldn't find better. I never wanted better, I wanted him. And honest to god, I think I was in love with him. Otherwise why would it have gotten so serious or the months? Maybe he wasn't in love with me, but I think I do know that I am or was in love with him. I suppose that quote I mentioned before about how "It's better to love and lost, than to never have loved at all," I suppose it is true. What I shared with him was or at least to me felt like one in a billion. I know we fought, but I also know that when we didn't, I was the happiest I ever was with him. And I guess I am glad to say that I have experienced love, and that I wouldn't take it back for the world. I just don't think that I could or would even want to share it with anyone else. Is this soulmate talk? Who knows? Could be. But I know that what we had and what I shared with him, was real. And I guess in the next chapter of my life, I just want to find the rest of the parts that are. The things that are real.

My new shrink is across the street from Pablo's work. 

I hope I don't wake up. 

Sometimes I get the greatest urge to call you and tell you about my day. But then I remember that you probably don't care. Like now, I was remembering how I used to get so mad at you for messing up my bed sheets. I was just thinking that you should take a look at them now.  Today was bad and good in many ways. It's so hard for you to look me in the eyes now. I don't know why, but you almost never will, and when you catch yourself doing it, you turn away. It's just hard to say goodbye, you know? I'm so scared of losing you in my life. I hate thinking how this is the "last" time. Why do you think I was always so sad when it was time for me to leave your house or when you dropped me off at home? I hate myself for falling in love with you every day. 

I made plans for the weekend hoping that maybe you might want to come with me. But I know you won't. I still have hope, even though I know that I shouldn't. Today you held me and told me that everything was going to be okay. I started crying some more because I knew you were right, and that everything would be okay. 

"We've got love and hate, it's the only way."

"Walk Away" by Ben Harper

Oh no- here comes that sun again. 
And (that) means another day without you my friend. 
And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself. 
And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else. 

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say. 
But sometimes - sometimes, 
you just have to walk away - walk away. 

With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one? 
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun. 

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say. 
But sometimes - sometimes, 
you just have to walk away - walk away and head for the door. 

We've tried the goodbye so many days. 
We walk in the same direction so that we could never stray. 
They say if you love somebody than you have got to set them free, 
but I would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery. 
They say time will make all this go away, 
but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays. 
And once again that rising sun is droppin' on down 
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found. 

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say. 
But sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away, walk away and head for the door. 
You just walk away - walk away - walk away. 
You just walk away, walk on, turn and head for the door.

Lately, I've found that loves is easily the best and the worst thing in the world. Though all you really do need is love. Maybe for another person, maybe not. Maybe for yourself, as in to motivate you to keep moving forward. Maybe for what you do or what you don't do.  I know with Pablo, at times I was the happiest girl in the world, and others the most morbidly depressed girl in the world. But things are different now. And I know that I must move on and love myself for a while because I spent most of those 2 1/2 years loving him and nobody else. 

And luckily, I am able to say that today went well.

Very well. :)

ps. I'm [not?] sorry that I slapped you in the face the other day. Twice. You needed it. And it made me feel better.

pps. But I'm happy to say that I no longer, well today at least, grew sad or upset when I still mentioned our past times or saw things that reminded me of you. And it feels good.

Heading towards the Atlantic in the AM. Gone for however long. 

This is why now, even though we are the way we are, I don't believe a thing you say to me.

An email from you to me, about 2 weeks before you left me.

I hate this so much because I try to just act like i dont care about anything so that maybe i wont. youre AMAZING and its bullshit because i know that i wont ever find anyone like you. i feel like such crap without you. i hate myself so much for being mean to you. i just dont know where this is going i dont know if we're going to make it or not and i try to convince myself that it wont, because then you'll be free from all of my bullshit. when i think about us, memories flash through my mind like pictures through a slideshow, and i honestly dont know what i am without you. I know that whatever i would be, it would be less than half of what i am with you. I am terribly in love with you and the idea that we might not work kills me. it drives me to a breaking point where i just dont know what to do or say. i hate myself for everything bad thats ever come from this relationship, but i love you for everything good thats come of it. i hope this works out for whatever's best. i can only hope and wait. i love you.

-Pablo A. Enriquez

But, alas, I know that this must be the way it is. And so it is. I have hope though that one day you might find your way back to me. And things will be just like they were the first day of our lives together. As for now, I suppose time really just isn't on our side. Or a few of your friends. But please know that I love you, and I will always love you. Just be safe, and I pray to God, that you will never forget me, because I will never forget you.

I need to do something for myself. 

Something that will make me happy. 

Something that will bring back that girl from 2 1/2 years ago.

Something that will bring her back, and make her stay.

We have this old dog named Cosmo that comes into work. And today, they brought him in for a bath and boarding over the weekend. He was soaking wet so everyone just thought they he had gotten a bath. But I didn't understand because he had leaves and mud on him. Turns out he was covered in fleas and maggots. It wasn't until we called the owner to tell him that he decided to tell us that he's been "slowing down" lately. 

Come on, now. Seriously. Wtf.

Remember when it was YOUR idea to move out with me?

I never forced you, or even asked you to go.

I just think that's funny........maybe you should tell your friends.

July--in a nutshell.

http://imyournumbertwo.livejournal.com/

I won't repost it because I'm starting over.

No one should ever go through the amount of tears, misery, and suffering that I have undergone in the past 2 weeks.

But I would do it all over again, if he asked me.

Right now, I am unsure of mostly everything:

-College major

-Career path

-Whether or not I want to stay in San Diego at SDSU

Basically, I am unsure of who I am and what I want to be.

I thought I knew, but after Pablo broke up with me, my mind just draws a blank.

The past 2 weeks I have spent thinking of what I could have, should have, and would have done to keep our relationship strong, and I find that the only thing I could have done different was the entire thing.

He told me that he loved me, and I never believed him when I should have. Because I know he did, but my myriad of issues regarding trust leaves me with no choice.

I thought I had my entire life figured out with him. He helped me figure it out. And now that he wants nothing to do with me, I just don't know what to do. I wish I could just talk to him though, if not as a girlfriend, or a lover, but as a person or a friend. Just to get that sense of stability back. It's hard to see him with other people, especially those people whom have hurt me more than he has. But I will get over it. I know because that is what everyone is telling me. And if there's one thing I should have done 2 and 1/2 almost 3 years ago, is listen.