And even though I'm 3,000 miles away...

Going out now, I feel more beautiful than I ever was when I went out with you. Don't get me wrong, I felt beautiful when it was just the two of us, and when we were at home, I just didn't care, but I don't think I ever really enjoyed going out with you. Plus whenever we went out, unless you were holding my hand, it was like we weren't even together or you had your hand on my shoulder like I was your property, which I always hated. No matter how much I said you were mine or you said that I was yours. It's because we took each other's virginity. Not because your hand was on my shoulder or mine was on yours.

Last night in NoVa was a success. Spent it with people who actually cared about me and people who wanted to see me. Not with people who just And even though I didn't get to see everyone I wanted to see, they were most likely burning up my phone to see me. I feel bad that I didn't get to see everyone I wanted to see, but it's not like I'm leaving for good. Not yet at least. It wasn't a "good-bye." Well, it was, but more like a "good-bye for now." But it wasn't sad, which is good. It was how it's supposed to be. It was a good time with real people. That's sort of my new thing now. Reality. But it's good, you know? It's a shit ton better than surrounding yourself with people that only act like they like you because they have to, or people that only care about you because someone you know does. And I think it's safe to say that's what a whole lot of the 2 1/2 years of my life were. Plus, how much can someone really care about you if they choose to break up with you over the phone after that long and then they try to completely erase you from their life like nothing ever happened? They either don't care at all, or are too afraid to look into your eyes and tell you that they don't love you anymore. Neither of which I want in my life at any point.

I guess I missed you so much because I was so comfortable with you this past almost 3 years. That's all you really were to me. Maybe love goes hand in hand with comfort. And being miserable and on-edge constantly because it feels like your life has just fallen apart is not comfortable at all. So don't get me wrong, I was in love with you. Not at the beginning, but I learned to. And I learned to love you more when everything with Tom happened. But we should've ended things then. I'm not saying that I cheated, but we should have. We were both so young, and you were stupid to think that you could put me in a box away from the world and call me yours. We were stupid to think that we would never look or think about anyone else but each other. I mean, just the possibility of meeting other people that I could love more than I loved you and love me more than you did made me look around. I would think, "Wow, maybe a couple years from now I could meet somebody in this room down the road, and we fall madly in love with each other," or more than I thought you and I were. But anyway, even though that's when I realized that I was in love with you, I knew you would never trust me afterwards. But I mean, I never trusted you. And I still don't. And I stand beside every reason I have to not trust you. So then maybe love doesn't go hand in hand with comfort, or maybe it does, but just with trust in the mix. Because if it was just comfort, I've probably been in love with a lot of people, which I haven't. But then I don't know, because I know I was in love with you. I can't explain how or why, but I know that if I wasn't, then I wouldn't have reacted the way I did. We were stupid to not take our relationship day by day like we should have from the beginning. Like how I wanted it to be, but I guess somewhere in the frenzy of hormones that idea got lost. And I'm sorry, because we just caused ourself an entire 2 1/2 years a cocktail of happiness, tears, pain, and anger for no reason.

But anyway, in about 13 hours I will be on a Los Angeles, and then later to my new home in San Diego. I'm sorry we couldn't be friends, but that's no fault of mine.

Fell asleep around 7AM, woke up around 11AM.

I'm sorry you feel the need to try to be that person you were before we met. Because no matter how hard you try, you're never going to be exactly the same. And 2 1/2 years ago, you were still in love with me.

So much for sleep @ 4:22:47 AM.

I'm so tired.

Dear you,

I know you're reading this. Because you always do. I hate how I have to talk to you here because I know otherwise you will just yell at me. Please think of how it is to know that you are able to see how I'm doing and how I'm feeling, but only through here, in the comfort of your own privacy because you know no one will look through your history. Why is it that you are able to know how I am doing, but I am unable to see how you are doing? How is that fair? Do you think you're protecting me? Do you think you're protecting yourself? You were always so full of secrets and hiding things. At least if I were talking to people that I "shouldn't" have been talking to, I told you straight up, or you saw because I'm not a fucking coward. Do you think trying to erase me from your life will keep me out of your mind and your thoughts? That's sort of funny because with you trying to erase me, you think about me every time. Just because we said our good-byes, doesn't mean you have to erase me. Are you ashamed of how you were with me? Do you think that if your friends found out, they would be mad at you? Or call you a pussy or a faggot? And tell you to man up? I do. That's just how your friends are. Some of them, at least. So afraid of showing some sort of feeling or emotion, so that no one would ever think you were weak. But that's where you're wrong. By hiding your emotions, YOU are the weak one. I feel sorry for you.

I'm sorry that all I ever wanted you to do was feel how you made me feel. Whether it was happiness, love, sadness or even anger. I just wanted you to feel.

I've really only wanted what's best for you. You should know that. But if you've reached down to here, and you have the balls to take a risk, without your cheerleading squad of friends whispering into your ear to resist, call me after you read this.

Love Always,

Me

ps. Kitty said she will miss you a lot.

Dear journal, I feel worse than I did when he first broke up with me.

I think most of all I just miss you holding me and telling me that everything is going to be alright.

I hate how you tell me not to cry. Crying makes me feel better. It really does. That's what it's supposed to do. I miss you so much. I feel like I gave up the last few remnants of my life with you, and I hate it.

Every time I think of you, I wish that you think of me too. I wish you would have learned that it's okay to be sad, and it's okay to be like this. Because it is. This isn't one of those things that you can just completely erase and forget that it ever happened. I think that's the key to getting over it and to being strong. You have to face your fears and your problems for them to really go away.

Today my shrink was telling me this analogy, comparing these "fears" (is what we'll call them) to getting a splinter. If you have a splinter in your hand, and you leave it in because you know it will hurt too much to take it out, and then it gets infected and doesn't heal very fast. But if you take it out, yes, it hurts a lot at first, there is a lot of pain. But it heals faster. I try so hard every day, but I feel like because you keep running away from it, I can't. You are my other half, and what you do, what you think, I feel it. I don't think I've studied someone so hard in my life, and tried to get them to know me back. I always think that if you would have waited, it would get better. Because I felt the same way you felt, numerous times when things got rough. But I knew I couldn't give up. I couldn't give up one you, on me, on us. I never will. And if you asked me to fall in love with you again, I would. But I know right now that you won't. And you will try to deny everything I've written. But maybe one day you will realize that we are two halves that form one. Why would something that feels so right, that is so right, be wrong? It was real, what we had. I hope that one day you realize it, but I know that right now, you don't. And I feel sorry for you.

Sorry to break it to you, but love isn't glamorous. It isn't 100% problem free. That just isn't possible.

Today is a good day for good-byes. Maybe not a good day, but it's going to be the only day this week that I will be okay with it. Its funny that I said good-bye to you on what would have been our 32nd month together. I'm glad it was today rather than any other day. I don't think I've felt that I've ever loved you more in my life than today. But it's okay. It's okay because I'm ready to say good-bye.

Victoria is saying good-bye to David today. She's dropping him off at his recruiter's. And then her and Diana are coming with me to bring Twilight to the Humane Society today. I wanted to hold on to her for a while, but I figured it would just be worse. Today is also my last day of work.

So today might not be a good day. But it's a day that I'm willing to be okay to be sad for/about. It's a day where I'm ready to say good-bye, which is amazing because I hate good-byes.

Wow, I just realized what today is. Or would have been. FML.

Crossing my fingers at everything working out this last week before I leave. By far the most chill day I have had a work in a long time. Diana never fails to keep me smiling, even when I'm sad. She's probably one of the most real people I have ever met in my life. Maybe one of the only, but mostly people she's real the entire time. Don't get me wrong, I've met some real people in my life. But it was like, with them, as soon as something came up, they were gone or completely, you know, un-real. In a bad way. The new kid at work is pretty real too, but I guess more real in a "chill, no b.s." sort of way.

It usually days like these, that start off really bad, and then end up going well, that I realize that things are going to be okay. The other day my horoscope told me to stop looking for love. I've been pondering that all weekend. Especially since meeting you-know-who. I think I tried to because I remembered how happy I used to be when Pablo and I were okay, content, happy? Just not arguing or sad. That's when I was my happiest because I knew nothing ever mattered, and I never had a care in the world. Or at least, I felt like it. It just really fuckin' sucks. And I hate to say it, but these past few episodes of True Blood have not only taken my mind away from the world, but also brought me back to where I currently am. Especially in this last episode, where Bill starts to notice the little things telling him that he's slowly starting to lose Sookie. I feel like I always sort of had that with Pablo, but maybe he'd always done the same as well. I was always scared that I was going to lose him, because I knew that so much of a good thing couldn't possibly last forever. It just wasn't really until this last time where I realized I was actually losing him. I think I knew it, but I was just in denial. Maybe I was just blind. But love makes you do stupid things.

And for that, I hate it. But I crave it.

What an awful day. I. feel. like. shit.

Before you come in, please remember to leave your bullshit at the door.

Today was quite a new day. I suppose I really took my first breath of being single? I've always been a little flirtatious. I mean, a little, to me, but to other maybe extremely? Maybe? At my new shrink's, I was able to finally be angry with Pablo for, well, everything. Which to her, is a good thing, and I think maybe the last task on her "Guide to Getting Over Your Ex." And then I finally got to understanding/realizing/analyzing my situation, and thought, "You know what? In a week from tomorrow, I will be 3,000 miles away from this place. That's what we've both been dreaming of for the past 3 years. And I honestly feel sorry for him because he's staying here." I think that for the most part, I don't feel sorry for him because his family and his friends are all here. Or most of them at least. But I think the people that are here for him, are the people that are going to stay here for the rest of their lives. And for that I pity them. This is a terrible place to spend your late teens even to your 30's. Especially for people like us. People that crave adventure and excitement, or even just some sort of entertainment. And after I left my appointment, I felt okay. I didn't feel the need to look to see if his car was sitting, parked in front of his work. Or anything.

And then later I met a boy. Well, much less of a boy and more of a man, at least. Maybe it was just his freedom or aura of independence that attracted me to him because to be honest with you, I haven't found a white guy, other than the ones in the magazines or on the silver screens as attractive as he was in ages. Maybe never. He was like a god. And he came up to me first! (Rock climbing adventure with Diana today was a brilliant idea.) It was funny because when we first came in, we saw from far away him taking off his shirt. Diana said, "Damn, see, HE has a nice body," and I replied with, "Ehh, he's too skinny," and then she said, "Well, yeah, kind of." And we brushed it off. We'd been there for about an hour, unbeknownst to us, we were late for our threading appointment, but that's besides the point. And then we just sort of hit it off, probably because autobelays hate me I swung everywhere, I dunno, think damsel in distress sort of thing. Then we started talking. He moved here about a week ago for grad school at GW, from NY, which I thought was ironic because I'm moving in about a week for school in San Diego. We talked a lot actually. And it was good. I realized he wasn't as skinny/scrawny as I thought he was. Just basically 0% body fat, and all muscle? With a pair of the most beautiful deltoids I have ever seen in my life. Wow, I sound like a creep. But it was true. He really had me at the, "Yeah, it's cool, I basically wake up every morning walking around the city doing whatever I want to do, whenever." But that's really it. Nothing too interesting. I don't even really remember what his face looked like, but that his hair was really odd, curly, pretty long, and best of all, sun-bleached. It was odd, but it looked good on him and it suited him. He just looked so natural. Sort of the opposite of me, but not even halfway in between. Although he didn't have a beard. But I think he looked just fine without one.

Rock climbing is so much fun though, and I think if I could spend my entire day there I would. Hopefully I get to go again before I leave. If not, I hope I can find people that climb at the REC Center, etc. at school as nice and as real as them. I seem to be missing a whole lot of real in my life, and I think that's just what I need.

I don't want to get better unless you're there with me. I can't get better.

I'm slowly getting the hang of things, but sometimes I wish you would still call me or come to me begging for support. I hate that I can't to you. What do you do when your life support stops working?

And here I thought I was doing well today.

Sometimes I think that you're a liar.

Why do they say that if you love someone, you should set them free? The entire time while we were together, my mom would tell me that if I really loved him, then I would set him free so that he could mature and go back to school. Sometimes I think that is what he did for me. He set me free so that I could live my life, and study, and be successful. I don't really know. And I doubt I ever will. Sometimes I feel like he still loves me. But I never know what to believe now. I know what I want to believe in. I want to believe in us. I had so much hope and faith, and there's nothing that I wanted more than for us to be together forever.

Sometimes I think that if you heard my prayers, you would laugh and tell me to move on. Other times I think you would cry and tell me how sorry you are for hurting me. And then times other than those I feel like you would just look at me with your sad eyes, or try not to, and just not say a thing, tapping your fingers to some strange beat. Its funny because I feel like now that we're not together, I know you more than I ever have.

I used to think we could reach each others thoughts because if we were talking and I thought long and hard enough, you would ask or say exactly what I was thinking you would say. Maybe I just guessed long enough in my head to be right. But sometimes now I will just sit by myself, and pretend that I'm talking to you, hoping that somewhere you are doing the same thing. I feel like the closer I get to leaving, the more and more I miss you. It's times like tonight where I am almost reluctant to go out because I think about what it would have been like if we went together, because I know, despite what you think, we would have a good time together. Probably an even better time than I am going to have.

My mom keeps telling me to not be upset when I go to work because it will keep me busy. But everything there reminds me of you. Sneaking you in to see all the pets, you standing outside with me when I walk the dogs, making sure that none of them kill me, calling you while I fold laundry, or not being able to hear you when I'm in the kennel, texting you when I'm waiting in the hallway to help doctors. Thank you for not ignoring me and my calls. I just want us to be okay again because right now, I miss you so much.

I remember when we used to take naps together. Sometimes in the morning after our parents left for work, or even just after I came home from work on a saturday afternoon just like this. Now I can only fall asleep if I'm by your side.

Going home is always the worst part of my day, no matter who I'm with.

"We'd look better when we're dead."

Today, my new shrink asked me where all my anger was. And I honestly didn't know..She said, "You should hate him so much; he betrayed you, made you believe all these things, and then turned his back on all of it." I don't know why, but this whole time, I haven't. I mean, I suppose I hate him for putting a little halt on my ideas for the future, but it's nothing I couldn't figure out on my own. I think that maybe I am just too in love with him to be that way.

And then later on, I was talking to Vicky and I was just thinking aloud, but I said, "I hate how all adults or older people think that kids around our age don't know what love it. I wonder why." And she said, "Well, yeah. I feel like this is the time where you know and don't know the most. This is the time where you're the most fragile, but still looking, and willing to look to find love." And even though I never looked to love Pablo, it found me, I think that is true. I was planning on spending the rest, or at least my entire life with him. I never cared that I could or couldn't find better. I never wanted better, I wanted him. And honest to god, I think I was in love with him. Otherwise why would it have gotten so serious or the months? Maybe he wasn't in love with me, but I think I do know that I am or was in love with him. I suppose that quote I mentioned before about how "It's better to love and lost, than to never have loved at all," I suppose it is true. What I shared with him was or at least to me felt like one in a billion. I know we fought, but I also know that when we didn't, I was the happiest I ever was with him. And I guess I am glad to say that I have experienced love, and that I wouldn't take it back for the world. I just don't think that I could or would even want to share it with anyone else. Is this soulmate talk? Who knows? Could be. But I know that what we had and what I shared with him, was real. And I guess in the next chapter of my life, I just want to find the rest of the parts that are. The things that are real.

My new shrink is across the street from Pablo's work. 

I hope I don't wake up.