I've never actually woken up not remembering who or where I was until just now. And it seems the more I try to figure things out, I don't like it one bit.

Ready to go home. Or at least be away from here. I'm sick of these phoney people and their lies. Not like I'm any better, or like anyone from Nova is any better. But at least I'll be able to breathe.

And so I will wait.

Something will happen.

It always does.

[Line omitted]

I hate getting tests done because they always tell me that I'm fine or that I'm normal. But I don't feel normal, and I don't feel fine.

It's sort of funny how the minute one part of my life starts looking good and looks like it's shaping up, the other part goes straight to the gutter. There's no winning at all. I can't ask for both. If I have one, I can kiss the other good-bye. I hate it.

And just a quick question. How come all the real families on tv and in film show despise for in-laws? Do you get it? It's as if that's the only way to go on living. You get married or anything, and you move far far away from your parents. Pretty much elope. That's how it should have been in the first place.

God, you'd think Mom would want me to come home. Even more of a reason why I believe she's full of shit. Just like everyone else.

There's no question to why Norman Jean Roy is one of the top photographers in the business. Frequently taking pictures for magazines such as Vogue, Harper's Bazaar, Rolling Stone, and Details, he's probably one of my favorites. Not because he gets published in all this sophisticated magazines, but because he does and it's because he's talented. He's got a knack for creating something that's already been created and making it his own, which is, what I've learned, leads to success.





He's so bizarrely imaginative yet so real at the same time, you almost have to do a double take to see if what you're seeing is the real thing. It's funny to think that these are from today as opposed to from the 1960s or earlier. Not that Javier Bardem could ever pass as Jimmy Stewart and Scarlett for Grace. But he does a pretty damn good job.

After Escher: Gulf Sky and Water

My neighbor's dog died the other day. One of my favorite little guys running around here, even though he was too old to play around with the pups. He was a 14 year old version of Moose. I always wondered what Moose would be like when he got older, and seeing him made me feel like I was actually seeing an old Moose. It seems almost as if it's taking a toll on the whole building. But it'll be all right. Rest in Peace, little Pilot.

A friend of mine asked, "Every time I look at you/think about you now, I can't help but laugh. I can't imagine what it would be like to live the way you do. How is it that you can look in the mirror each day and not be disgusted with yourself? blows my mind."

Not about me, of course. But It's funny, because I could say the same thing about someone else. Not her though, of course. :)

I don't mean to be lazy or anything, or seem it. But I really do hate doing my own hair. Mostly because I can't. Haha.

"Nothing says ‘I love you’ more than a cup of freshly drawn blood. It’s very sweet.”

Been obsessing of skin-toned clothing, shoes, nail polish, and hair. I want it all.

My coworker Brian adores me. We share make-up tips, and he tells me he loves my face. He's quite a doll.

Oh! And in exchange for a plastic fork and change in quarters, the bartender at The Wave likes to tell me I'm beautiful. Apparently, people like my nose. How silly, it is though. Really, I feel like my nose is one of my far less pleasing features. Ah, but alas. A compliment is a compliment. Sorry, I couldn't legally accept your drinks on the house, but thank you for offering. And asking how old I was.

I really hate how when you take pictures on facebook it flips the image. It makes me feel like I'm posting phony pictures of myself. No, that shit ain't me sorry. That's my clone. Just some look alike. I don't know. How weird. On another note, I'm getting extremely into Breaking Bad. But I was bound to, of course. That's like asking anyone from Fairfax, if they watched Weeds.

Personally, I just fell in love with the idea of smashing your asshole, crackhead of a husband's head with an ATM machine for simply calling you a whore. Seems like something I would do, aside from the crystal and the tar. Oh and the idea of decapitating a man and putting his head on a desert tortoise because they call him "Tortuga." The writers and creators really think out of the box with this one. Makes me wish I hadn't let chemistry kick me in the ass. But oh well. I never would have made it as a veterinarian let alone a neurosurgeon. God, one day I will have a collection of brains bottled up in jars full of formaldehyde in my Bat Cave. As well as vintage taxidermy.



Aw, how cute. It almost looks like Kino!

Dog park, heels, boots, jeans, good hair, good make-up, american apparel factory outlet, oversize sweaters, nude leotards, from downtown to the valley. I'll been all over LA and back today. And the greatest thing was that I haven't worn a bra all day! Oh, and I finally got ice cream.

You know, thinking about it, It's been a while since I've...well, laughed really. Some of the girls at work will try to talk to me, and maybe that's why people gossip. But they'll try to talk to me, and they'll say something that they think is really funny, and I just kind of try to awkwardly fake my laugh or pretend I didn't hear them. It's just sort of impossible really. I mean, unless its scripted or from a movie or something. Sure, I'll get a chuckle or two in there. But it's more of a "HA" than anything else. A sound illustrating entertainment or being entertained. I couldn't bring myself to finish reading the JD Salinger pick because I couldn't help but feel sorry for him about how sad and pathetic and depressed he is. If you notice, I will pick out things in anything that remind me of myself, and I will hate them. It's always something that I've done, ever since I was little. Ever since I can remember really. But I saw too much of myself in him especially as of right now, in my current "state." It is a full moon after all. I'll try to keep reading, but it's so difficult because it's almost as if ever sentence he just talks about feeling so lousy and depressed, thinking back on his girl that he missed out on. I'm sure there's a real coming of age ending, but I don't know. I'll finish it though. Eventually.

Eddie Valiant: Seriously, what do you see in that guy?
Jessica Rabbit: He makes me laugh.

Cool, I'm finally coming clean about how much I hate my life. And I hate it even more. Looks like it's the looney bin for me, kids! Or the zoo!

It's such a turn off when really beautiful, attractive people are douches. I know a man like that back home, but he's best friends with the devil or my savior, which ever you want to call it. They're a hot mess to say the least. And for that, I want them.



Praying for a productive day that includes tanning, running, and creating.

There is one more thing I hate more than liars, and that is a disloyal friend. You talk it up, hang out all the time, make it seem like you guys are best friends. And as soon as one little thing happens that doesn't affect your relationship with them at all, you bail. What the fuck. Seriously.

I don't understand. What the fuck did I do to deserve something like this?

How terrifyingly accurate.


TAURUS



Your element: Earth
Your ruling planets: Venus
Symbol: The Bull
Your stone: Emerald
Life Pursuit: Emotional and financial security
Vibration: Determined energy
Taurus Secret Desire: To have a secure, happy and wealthy life/marriage.


Description:
Underneath their cool, calm and collected exterior, Taureans differ greatly from all the other signs of the zodiac. Taureans manage to discreetly stay apart from the crowd, even though they have a well-earned reputation for being socialisers. They will let others get close, but only so close as they want them. Some claim that trying to get your point across to a Taurean, should they not want to hear you, is rather similar to talking to the trees – they simply won't budge. And, there is no such thing as an open-book Taurean. Their feelings, fears and desires often run far deeper than anyone around them would guess. Like the butterfly that chooses to remain hidden in its cocoon until it is ready and prepared to emerge, so the true Taurean spirit remains hidden behind a veneer of day-to-day activities. That's why Taureans are sometimes regarded as snobby, withdrawn, boring, or even sulky.

The truth is, when Taureans manage to operate very adequately on their own form of automatic pilot, they can switch off from the world around them very efficiently. And when they do switch off, they are actually gathering in their inner reserves to deal with the outside pressures. This sign is also very closely connected to 'feeling good'. Most Taureans like their creature comforts and hate change because it takes them out of their automatic pilot condition of separating themselves from the world around them.

Because they hate to be put in jeopardy of any kind, this is the sign that strives to create tomorrow in advance, rather than leave it to fate. In love, Taureans are regarded as extremely sensual beings. An earth sign, they deal well with the personal, physical senses and consequently all the pleasures associated with what they can see, touch, smell and taste, add up to a special delight to them. Often nature and pet lovers, Taureans are closely associated with all things off the earth and nature

I want to go back to Nova. To see my dog, my family and my friends. To feel humidity like I've never felt it before. Then how come whenever I get half way there I get second thoughts, cold feet, and try to convince myself that I don't need to see any of those people. There is no life that I hate more (and I hate a lot of people) than my own.

All I want is to see my puppy.