This video is the shit.

Have I really gotten to the point in my life where I meet the perfect man in my dreams that I feel the need to find him in real life. I had ever felt so certain he was real. He completed me. I know I don't need this, but I want it. I'm feeling too much like Bonnie without Clyde. It's just wrong. Bonnie never would have made it on her own. Hell, she didn't make it period. But when she was living it, she was having a blast. And right now, that's what I want. I need to have the time of my life, so I can go out with a bang.

I'd like to write a story about a man who becomes obsessed with a girl from his dreams. Everything she does, everyway she makes him feels. He grows obsessed with her, and goes on the look-out for just her. But..what next?

I forgot how to sleep.

I need to start working on my Halloween costume!

Today I had a conversation with one of the people I've known the longest, still talk to, and still pretty okay with.

And I was about to go on the whole spiel about how me having a crush and then some on my screenwriting professor was completely wrong/immoral/unhealthy/everything that catholic schools teaches you is bad. But it's not. I've been thinking a lot more than I do lately. Writing. Being able to be me. I can deny and deny, pretend it's not there, act like it shouldn't be happening, but it won't make it stop. I'm scared, but who isn't? All I know is that it's clear that he enjoys what I have to say, and is in a bad mood in class when I'm in a bad mood. Whatever that means.

Oh, and Mom is never going to be happy with anyone I date. Really though. But that's old news.

Ahah, my life is a joke.

I must admit, it's a lot harder to make friends here than it was at state, especially girlfriends. But I'm thankful for the 3 that I do have. Including my gay.

Don't think. Do. Do, and create.

My horoscope told me to stop being afraid of falling in love everyday.

Within the next few paychecks, I need:

1. Canon Point & Shoot (I'm thinking the under-water because it's snazzy)
2. Samsung Fascinate or Droid Incredible

Not too bad, no?

I constantly remind myself to take it easy. No one else can handle me, so I have to be able to handle myself.

I think I've found a pretty solid safe zone.



And you know what else? I've always dreamt about living in the city, and meeting some handsome fellow on the subway, a little eye-contact, smiles of acknowledgement. You know, cute, movie-type stuff. And well, it happened, and something else probably would have happened if I had been 21. Damn myself for being all shy with someone I'm attracted to. It doesn't happen very often, especially not now, but when it does I get nervous. Because I get nervous, it makes me even more nervous, but I keep my cool. And try not to seem like a bitch. Sigh. It was so cute how it happened too. Just got out of eating dinner with my gay, trying to meet up with the bestie after work, we're having a blast, okay. Then a very masculinely feminine woman tells my gay, "Your girl is beautiful, by the way!" And he looks at me and says, "I wanted to be like, 'honey, do you think I fux wit chicks?'" Love him, lolz. Just had to write that out too, this was a good day for me. So anyway, meeting the bestie at the Bart, we're on the train, we're telling her what happens, and my gay is loud. If he's anywhere near you, you know it. So we're talking, having a blast, and this man walks on, and sits sort of across from me. Naturally, I just glance over and I'm like, "Oh, dang," Cordell sees that I do this and he's like, "Mm, not bad" But I'm all smiley, and the guy hears I suppose, and here's our conversations after, and just smiles and throwing glances back over at me every once in a while, but I'm too nervous to look at him by this point. We get off at the same stop as this man, and we engage in a little more small talk. By the time we're about to walk out, the security seems whack, and I figured it would be a good start to a conversation, so I walk over behind this man as he's refilling his card. He knows we were scoping out the place to hop, and he says to me, "Yeah, this place is pretty difficult to hop." And we're talking, yeah, awesome. He invites us to his show, but then asks us if we're 21 because they're playing at a bar. But neither of us are, goddammit, and I don't know why I didn't stay and talk more, but I missed my chance. And he was handsome. I will forever be wondering if I will ever see his face again, what instrument he plays, what he enjoys and doesn't enjoy. But who knows? Maybe. Hopefully, I'll run into him again one day. Then I got super trashed after and regretted it. Not really, I just don't think I can drink four loko's ever again.

Ask anyone, I was never one of those people who even remotely enjoyed 311, but I like this song.

Experimenting with falsies and lighting.

You're the reason I'm travelin' on..













And I will leave you with this last clip, and this last thought.


I don't know who's song this originally is, but it is one of my favorites. Bob's though, I think.

I wish I didn't remember what today was. Just like you did to me, remember?

Not that it happens often, but when people ask me if I'm dating a close friend or somehow make it seem as if they like me I freeze up and get really angry. Ugh, I don't know. I just get mad when people "like" me as in have crushes on me or some sort. I wish people didn't have emotions or were able to have feelings for each other. Most animals don't, so why do we?

I don't think like normal human beings.

I've come to the conclusion that whether I like it or not, I'm probably going to end up with a military man, if not some yuppie scumbag. I just can't settle for less. I'm picky, and I have the right to be, so fuck you. And if I don't find my Mister Right, then fuck it. Because then nobody deserves me.


Pep talk/alter-ego speaking. This is how I should feel everyday, but not bitchy. And I do feel like this everyday, because yes, I'm single, but I'm NOT looking.



There are only love songs about girls because girls don't care enough to write songs about assholes.

I've been meaning to do this for a long ass time.

Damn. I've lived in a lot of different places. Still trying to find what feels more right.

Tonight, I stayed up and thought about us. This is the first that I've done so in quite some time.

I need an intervention. School, school, school, school, school.

The more and more I take time to look at things, the more wrong everything looks. So I just stop looking.

I get home, lie in bed, and make myself believe that I'd just been half-way across the world because it feels like it. Then I think to myself, "what the fuck am I doing?"

Continuing my journey of finding this girl. Sometimes days go by and I don't know where I've been. I'm here still, just lost.

My first assignment is to create three characters, figure out their strengths and weaknesses, their faults, everything. Dive into the depths of their inner most soul. Hm.