Pablo and I have been talking quite a bit lately. It's weird though. I mean, it's nice because it's almost as if I have my best friend back. It's just weird how "normal" it is. We were always better friends than boyfriend and girlfriend. However, he did agree with the whole idea of "if you're a girl, and your best friend is not a gay male, he just wants to have sex with you." Which was reassuring. Well, he said 9 out of 10 times it's like that. I was just very pleased to hear it coming from a guy, thus proving my thesis correct.

Reveal Clip #1

She's a fighter. And I love it.

Don't watch. Just listen.

For a while, I forgot how to talk. I ate up all the drugs and a took my brain for a ride. It's coming back though. Slowly but surely. I'm really pouring my heart and soul into this narrative. It's me, if I were a film. Honestly. I'm being the most honest with the world that I have ever been. Maybe the world will get it, maybe they won't. Films are art. Art is expressing yourself, your feelings, anything that strikes your fancy, really. It gets lost in the industry a lot, today, which saddens me. It's all about making money now. You know, especially in the financial district here, I see a lot of these yuppie types, and sometimes I just want to ask them, "If it weren't for the money, would you still do what you do?" But people love money. It gets you things you can't get by being yourself, by being real. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if our society was one of bartering as opposed to cash, money, economics, whatever you want to call it. If you were a farmer, and had only a few animals on your land that you cared for, but one day it came down to it, and you had to give up something to sustain yourself. So you give up your horse to get a car. A jalopy piece of crap, most likely. But at least you can drive to see your family, or drive to the closest grocery store chain and trade your organic fruits and vegetables for processed foods and pesticides. I'm just rambling now. Point of the story is, it all sucks. But it's never going to change.

Sharing is not an option for the world, because everyone's got their heads shoved up their asses. It's true. I know I do.

You just have to take the time to appreciate things while you have them, reminisce for a little, and when they're gone, you just gotta keep going. Same old shit everyone tells you. It just never means anything unless you realize it for yourself.

Tiger, it's just a water bottle. But I can see how that's gay. I feel like you know a lot more about me than I thought you did.

<3

I really need to see this. This novel practically made me who I am today.

I hope you don't think I'm shy, because I'm not. I just have no idea what to say to you.

You know what I realized today? I always did so well in high school, and was so strong, (mind you this was before the big spanish baby ruined everything) because I never let idiots and obstacles get in my way. I knew what I wanted, and that was to finish high school, and get the hell out of Virginia. Then when I met Pablo, he broke down a lot of my walls, burnt all those bridges that I tried so hard to build up. But I've done it before, built those walls, and those bridges, so it should be easier this time. And everyday I'm learning that it is. San Francisco is just another place I cannot stand to be in, and now I just need to work as hard as I did in high school to get that ticket out of here. I never needed a boyfriend or anything like that to live my life. As most of my childhood was spent alone. But I grew up to be one of the most determined and motivated people I know. Anyone will tell you that, even Pablo. Having a boyfriend just made me forget what I was made of. I don't need these distractions. I don't need to hide behind a Man who will just try to push me away because he isn't as smart as I am or talented. Because they always try. They always will. I'm the kind of girl most men cannot handle. Not even just men, my mother can barely handle me. But I love her to death for trying. Same with my sister. Hah, and no shrink helped me come to this conclusion either. No drugs. No pills. No friends. Just me. Looks like I'm well on my way back to my old self. Well, not my old self, just the new, improved, stronger, and more unstoppable self. (Doesn't that sound terrifying? It's like the Terminator. But anyway.) The real Sarah.


ps. I'm not mad about having to go back to Virginia for all of summer, because I know it's not permanent. That place just isn't for me anymore. I just need to make the best of it while I'm there, which should be easy because it's summer vacation! However, one day, I will find my way down south again. And it'll probably be way down south in the middle of nowhere. Just don't know when that will be. Perhaps when I'm ready to settle down. But that won't be anytime soon.

It's funny because I can clearly see all the baggage you've got, and the minute mine shows, you bail. Will I ever find someone who will love me for my imperfections? Probably not. I've got a lot of baggage. LOLZ

Gave in, again today. I just feel so helpless. I know I messed up, and that I shouldn't have said any of those things. Not yet at least. But times are crazy right now. I just miss our casual, friendly, fun, videochat sessions. I guess because I feel so comfortable around you I forget that we barely know each other. Sigh. I just want school to be over already.

Funny how 24 hours can seem like a lifetime when trying to get clean.

I never wanted a big house, no white picket fence. I don't want fancy clothes or fancy cars. But I would love a dog or two, maybe 3, a husband who can double as my best friend, and maybe a child. Maybe, when I'm older. And if I got stuck under that god-awful sticky, southern sun, I think I would be okay with that. Most definitely okay with that.

When I was a younger, I used to pray that I would grow up and be beautiful and everyone would love me. Now I pray that all these body modifications and tattoos will cover me up.

The other day I found out my good friend Peter dropped out and moved back home to Chicago. He was going to help me with my next tattoo.

To be honest, I forgot about Pablo the minute you stepped into my life.

This is who I am. I don't understand why I can't get over it and just be grateful for being alive. Like how I used to be. But I suppose when you murder the only thing you love, the only thing that matters in your life, you want none of it. I can't get over the guilt of what my stupid selfish mistakes have done. Were he human, he'd probably not want me to be this way. He'd tell me to move on, and tell me that he did this for me. So I can do what I want and be free. But he isn't. And all I can think about is him wondering where I went, and why I haven't come home yet. Words will never describe how much I miss you, buddy. My one true love. The only one capable of loving me, despite how fucked up I am. I know It hasn't even been a year yet, but I will never forget you. I will never love anyone more. They always say, "til death do us apart," but death can't even separate us. You're with me where ever I go, boy. Always.

What the hell happened to me today? I finally broke the fuck down, that's what happened. Done.

The only reason I could come up with for you being this way is that I finally moved on, and found someone I really enjoy being with, but he really doesn't feel much for me. And because you haven't found anyone else yet either, you're trying to get back at me and talk shit. But okay. It's fine. I give up.

Oops, I fucked up everything. This is me caring. Not.

A preview of what is to come for my final. This is my favorite class and my favorite teacher. Also, that boy is the best. Why was I so damn baked that day? Ugh. Shit could've been so much better. Drugs will be the death of me, and keep me from my future. Maybe the more I say it, the more I will believe it. Sigh.

Britney is the shit.

Someone once told me this song reminded me of them. Hm. Oh well. And Idk what the hell that Meez shit is.

So I would think my best friend would be supportive of me and finding someone I can be happy with. But it turns out he's just a jealous piece of shit. And he wonder's why I don't ever want to be with him. I could kill him right now. Selfish prick. I wish he wouldn't act like he's the only one that deserves me. Especially because he doesn't deserve anything from me. I will never feel for him how he feels for me. Plus, he looks like a complete idiot next to this one. Seriously though, what kind of an idiot thinks its okay to spay an animal but not to neuter it. Clearly someone has issues and is sexist. Yeah, not gonna work out.

I think I get crazy with you sometimes because I keep punishing myself for being so far away. I know this is all on me. I don't want to wait, I shouldn't have to. But I will. It's been so hard, I feel like I'm pushing you farther and farther away on top of me already being 3,000 miles away. Hah. One day, things will be normal. They will be good. We won't have to do this stupid thing. ...well let's be realistic. I just can't wait to see you again, and I think for now, that is enough to keep me going til the end of the semester.

Not sure if you remember this, but the other night you drunkenly told me you loved me in tagalog. Fuckin' weirdo.