I always want what I can't have. But I'm so grateful that I was blessed with this new pup. She's been doing me so much good, keeping me safe, giving me her love, and being my best friend. However, I haven't yet forgotten Moose. I never will. I know he's still watching me from wherever he is, and making sure Tink is keeping me alive.

There's something inside of you that you never let me see. And it kills because that is all I want. For you to let me in. I never asked for him to come back to me, I didn't want him too. All I want is you. The curiosity is killing this cat, Tiger. Come back.

My mother thinks you're trying to get back together with me. #sodoeseveryoneelse But nobody never asks about what I want, and it isn't that.

Song of the Summer [So Far].

Man, Shania Twain is the shit.



Aaand this could easily be my favorite thing I've seen all summer. Billy Currington <3 Hahah

Also, who directs country music videos? They're terrible. Let me do it!

I will never forget the first time I laid eyes on you. You were wearing a blue plaid button down shirt with a pair of cutoff jean shorts. He introduced me to you, and you just waved and smiled. I couldn't stop staring. And I just thought, "Well, what does a girl have to do to get me a man like that?" I secretly hoped that every time I would go into to visit him, you'd be there. And for a while, you weren't. I forgot about you. Then a few days after he broke up with me, I went into that damned shop again. You were wearing that blue plaid shirt again too. And like that first time, you just waved and smiled, but shaking your head a little bit as if you knew I would be there. Then I thought to myself, "Who the hell does this faggot think he is? I ought to slap that stupid smile right off his face right here and now."

My god, how I love those eyes. And oh how I wish I didn't.

Got stuck at the stop light in front of your work today. I gave two angry middle fingers. Took a lot for me to not get out of the car and piss in front of the shop entrance. Janina was also with me. She said she saw you the other day. Weird. It's okay though, because I won't be lonely long. You know who loves Filipino women? Military men. And Spanish men. Oh, and guess who loves Filipino women the most? Black men.

Ugh.

I don't want to feel like the world is out to get me, but I really can't help it. You just up'd and left me. Like he did. I can't help but think you guys were talking about this all along behind my back and still just won't let me know for your own stupid purposes. The worst part is, I have no idea why I'm feeling this way about HIM. We talked for a mere couple weeks, but that was seriously the happiest I've been in a while. When he touched me, he meant it. Or at least it felt as if he did. I still can't help but think I'm the spawn of Satan, put on this world just to test peoples loyalties and bring them down with me whenever I can. I prayed and prayed for Evan and I to work out because he was everything I could have wanted in a man right down to the T. At least I had him when I had him. It still sucks though. This so-called vacation is now turning lonely, which is the exact reason why I didn't want to be here in the first place. Ugh..two more months and then I get to see my sister, my father, and my beloved San Diego.

Should really take Pablo up on that ticket to Florida. I've been here for 4 days and I already want to leave. Surprise, surprise.

Everyone here just thinks I'm fucked up, and I am, but so are they.


ps. it's just silly that they were both trying to talk to me at the same time, and then now what? boys and their stupid competitiveness.

I just want you to give us a chance.

Done being a good friend to you. Sorry. Not really.

It takes nothing to call someone else crazy. But it takes everything to accept those words from yourself.

I am just trying to be a good friend to him. Despite how he was never there for me when we ended it. I'm just trying to be a good person. It's okay though. Not very many people are as understanding as I am. With his situation and all. I mean, I've been there. And he actually seems to be enjoying it as much as I did. But his friends...I'm sure it's pretty safe to say he hasn't told most of them, or really any of them. Maybe Ben. I'm sure his brother hasn't even called. It would ruin a good number of them to know. They all look up to him. They always have. Because he's big and strong and confident. And little did they know, he looks up to one of the tiniest, most frail people he knows. Me.

If I ever get married, I want to have as much fun with my husband as this woman does.

Glad I wasn't the only person who noticed how miserable you were. But you'll be out of this mess soon enough. Get better soon, and I will call you in the morning. Love, me.

Let's join forces. We've got our guns and horses.



And I love the zombie marching band.

Pablo and I have been talking quite a bit lately. It's weird though. I mean, it's nice because it's almost as if I have my best friend back. It's just weird how "normal" it is. We were always better friends than boyfriend and girlfriend. However, he did agree with the whole idea of "if you're a girl, and your best friend is not a gay male, he just wants to have sex with you." Which was reassuring. Well, he said 9 out of 10 times it's like that. I was just very pleased to hear it coming from a guy, thus proving my thesis correct.

Reveal Clip #1

She's a fighter. And I love it.

Don't watch. Just listen.

For a while, I forgot how to talk. I ate up all the drugs and a took my brain for a ride. It's coming back though. Slowly but surely. I'm really pouring my heart and soul into this narrative. It's me, if I were a film. Honestly. I'm being the most honest with the world that I have ever been. Maybe the world will get it, maybe they won't. Films are art. Art is expressing yourself, your feelings, anything that strikes your fancy, really. It gets lost in the industry a lot, today, which saddens me. It's all about making money now. You know, especially in the financial district here, I see a lot of these yuppie types, and sometimes I just want to ask them, "If it weren't for the money, would you still do what you do?" But people love money. It gets you things you can't get by being yourself, by being real. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if our society was one of bartering as opposed to cash, money, economics, whatever you want to call it. If you were a farmer, and had only a few animals on your land that you cared for, but one day it came down to it, and you had to give up something to sustain yourself. So you give up your horse to get a car. A jalopy piece of crap, most likely. But at least you can drive to see your family, or drive to the closest grocery store chain and trade your organic fruits and vegetables for processed foods and pesticides. I'm just rambling now. Point of the story is, it all sucks. But it's never going to change.

Sharing is not an option for the world, because everyone's got their heads shoved up their asses. It's true. I know I do.

You just have to take the time to appreciate things while you have them, reminisce for a little, and when they're gone, you just gotta keep going. Same old shit everyone tells you. It just never means anything unless you realize it for yourself.

Tiger, it's just a water bottle. But I can see how that's gay. I feel like you know a lot more about me than I thought you did.

<3

I really need to see this. This novel practically made me who I am today.