Monday, October 17, 2011

When I was a little girl, I used to see beautiful women in movies relaxing with a cigarette in the bath. The television or radio on, by their feet. Now that I'm only enough to do so, I find the only missing is that the radio is a little too far. And if it just so happens to fall in, I'll be sure to tell everyone it was an accident.
No, I've never wanted to kill myself more.
I'm feeling suicidal again and I think I know how to make it stop.
Man, I never thought anyone would think beating the shit out of their 90 lbs, junkie, anorexic girlfriend was macho, this is a record.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

I'm so tired. I'm so tired of everything.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

My best friend Cerena and I probably have the worst luck in the world and we're just trying our best to survive. Last night, my best friend got her face stomped in by some bitch while this bitch's boyfriend holds Cerena down. And the worst part is, there is nothing I can do about it. And she's about just as far away from me as you are. Fuck everything right now.


And there's nothing you can do about it now.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

I guess I am still crazy
Never wanted so much to not see tomorrow ever again. Good night.
I choose to be lonely because I'd rather be lonely than give some other asshole the satisfaction of thinking they 'have' me.
You want to push me away? All right.

I just get worried when people who have hurt me more than you could possibly imagine tell me that THEY are worried that I'm going to get myself hurt because they know how I get when I fall for someone, I give more than most people dare to imagine. And so I try to ignore it, but when everything you do looks to confirm it, I'm not sure what to do anymore.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Blue Valentine did nothing but reinstate my fears. I didn't cry, but perhaps in any other state. It was terribly realistic which I believe was the point, but it's difficult for movies to deal with abortions without it becoming a lifetime-style movie. Big sigh. He gave entirely too much of himself to her. And that was the worst part, I think, that in the end she still couldn't love him anymore. But I guess it's not really possible to keep track of how much love you'd give a person, especially one like her. If I ever fall in love again....

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Sitting on my kitchen window sill, watching the cars and the passers-by. I've got a lot of soul searching to do.

I think that when I'm old, I'm just going to restore old muscle cars, trucks, and motorcycles.


Is it true that everything you touch turns to gold?

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Is it stupid that I came crying to you because I didn't want to do anything for the wrong reasons? I think the stupidest part was that I came crying to you for that, and not the real reason which would be given the chance, I would do it all for you.
When the things that kept you going no longer keep you going. Looking for comfort in the new, but I know I shouldn't get too comfortable. Everyone keeps telling me that lately. Not to get too comfortable. I'm just not good enough.
If I were to ever record music, it would only be onto vinyls and it would only be pre-WWI blues, and early rock & roll/rhythm & blues from the 1950s-1960s. Way back when music was still good. Sigh.



Yes. And it's okay, Gaga, I ain't mad at you for copying my hair.
He would stay for a while, that was wish enough for a luckless, scarred bitch as she.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

My horoscope keeps telling me that I will want you more and more as days go by. But I knew that already. If one day, you were ever mine...
I relapsed two nights ago. It's the burn that I'm after. Still trying to figure out this world. I'm not going to be anyone if I don't sleep with all the guys. Not even just guys. I'm so brainwashed, so jaded. It's everywhere I look, turned around, get drunk and find. I will never be more than an object to anyone, this is apparent. But this is also why I've stopped looking.

If you tell someone enough that they are what they are, whether they're a slut or a junkie or a nobody. It's comes true. I always just wanted to be a nice, reliable, independent girl who's determined and follows her dreams. But nobody else does. Nobody ever remembers a nice girl. Nice girls don't get anywhere. Nice girls don't even dream. Nice girls don't even finish.
I've seen a lot of bad people play good guys and in the end, win.

Monday, September 26, 2011

The stars spell out your name, like in a science-fiction drama.