Lately, I've found that loves is easily the best and the worst thing in the world. Though all you really do need is love. Maybe for another person, maybe not. Maybe for yourself, as in to motivate you to keep moving forward. Maybe for what you do or what you don't do.  I know with Pablo, at times I was the happiest girl in the world, and others the most morbidly depressed girl in the world. But things are different now. And I know that I must move on and love myself for a while because I spent most of those 2 1/2 years loving him and nobody else. 

And luckily, I am able to say that today went well.

Very well. :)

ps. I'm [not?] sorry that I slapped you in the face the other day. Twice. You needed it. And it made me feel better.

pps. But I'm happy to say that I no longer, well today at least, grew sad or upset when I still mentioned our past times or saw things that reminded me of you. And it feels good.

Heading towards the Atlantic in the AM. Gone for however long. 

This is why now, even though we are the way we are, I don't believe a thing you say to me.

An email from you to me, about 2 weeks before you left me.

I hate this so much because I try to just act like i dont care about anything so that maybe i wont. youre AMAZING and its bullshit because i know that i wont ever find anyone like you. i feel like such crap without you. i hate myself so much for being mean to you. i just dont know where this is going i dont know if we're going to make it or not and i try to convince myself that it wont, because then you'll be free from all of my bullshit. when i think about us, memories flash through my mind like pictures through a slideshow, and i honestly dont know what i am without you. I know that whatever i would be, it would be less than half of what i am with you. I am terribly in love with you and the idea that we might not work kills me. it drives me to a breaking point where i just dont know what to do or say. i hate myself for everything bad thats ever come from this relationship, but i love you for everything good thats come of it. i hope this works out for whatever's best. i can only hope and wait. i love you.

-Pablo A. Enriquez

But, alas, I know that this must be the way it is. And so it is. I have hope though that one day you might find your way back to me. And things will be just like they were the first day of our lives together. As for now, I suppose time really just isn't on our side. Or a few of your friends. But please know that I love you, and I will always love you. Just be safe, and I pray to God, that you will never forget me, because I will never forget you.

I need to do something for myself. 

Something that will make me happy. 

Something that will bring back that girl from 2 1/2 years ago.

Something that will bring her back, and make her stay.

We have this old dog named Cosmo that comes into work. And today, they brought him in for a bath and boarding over the weekend. He was soaking wet so everyone just thought they he had gotten a bath. But I didn't understand because he had leaves and mud on him. Turns out he was covered in fleas and maggots. It wasn't until we called the owner to tell him that he decided to tell us that he's been "slowing down" lately. 

Come on, now. Seriously. Wtf.

Remember when it was YOUR idea to move out with me?

I never forced you, or even asked you to go.

I just think that's funny........maybe you should tell your friends.

July--in a nutshell.

http://imyournumbertwo.livejournal.com/

I won't repost it because I'm starting over.

No one should ever go through the amount of tears, misery, and suffering that I have undergone in the past 2 weeks.

But I would do it all over again, if he asked me.

Right now, I am unsure of mostly everything:

-College major

-Career path

-Whether or not I want to stay in San Diego at SDSU

Basically, I am unsure of who I am and what I want to be.

I thought I knew, but after Pablo broke up with me, my mind just draws a blank.

The past 2 weeks I have spent thinking of what I could have, should have, and would have done to keep our relationship strong, and I find that the only thing I could have done different was the entire thing.

He told me that he loved me, and I never believed him when I should have. Because I know he did, but my myriad of issues regarding trust leaves me with no choice.

I thought I had my entire life figured out with him. He helped me figure it out. And now that he wants nothing to do with me, I just don't know what to do. I wish I could just talk to him though, if not as a girlfriend, or a lover, but as a person or a friend. Just to get that sense of stability back. It's hard to see him with other people, especially those people whom have hurt me more than he has. But I will get over it. I know because that is what everyone is telling me. And if there's one thing I should have done 2 and 1/2 almost 3 years ago, is listen.