I honestly can't say I like anything about my life now. And if you asked me if I'd do it all over again, I'd say no. I'd rather not do anything.

Now I know what it's like to be a divorced parent who doesn't have custody of the kids, living 3000 miles away from them. My father's shoes essentially. Bizarre. Hating my ex-significant other. But I miss those kids, like they were ours. I get so happy when I hear from them. They mean the world to me.

The other day someone told me, to get what you want, don't have a Plan B.

I can't tell anyone that I miss them because it makes me feel like I'm giving up. I've made it so far, 3000 miles away from home just about, but you know, there are some times that I just want to go back. I wish I was in high school again. Things were so good when I was in high school, and now I just feel like I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

I suppose the point of this is me saying that I miss you. You as in everyone from home. And as much as I'd love to come home, I can't. And I won't. I'm not supposed to be there. And as of right now, I'm not supposed to be in San Diego, but I'm slowly finding out where I'm supposed to be.



I heard this song outside of starbucks after we got off the phone. And I'm sorry. I wish I wasn't like this, but I am. And I wish you weren't this way either, but there's nothing I can do about it. No matter how hard I try.

"God's that have left you will never grace your home."

Sometimes I accidentally write 2008 or 2009 when I'm writing the date. It makes me think back to remember what I was probably doing then, at that place in time. Weird.

Not to get political.

I feel like I have to say that otherwise people will think I'm some crazy conservative freak from Virginia. Not that I should give a shit. Politics have always been with me. I mean, I grew up less that 40 minutes away from the Nation's Capitol. Come on.

But we watched that video in my Women's Studies class today. And I almost cried. I mean, I would have if I wanted to let myself go, but I held on to my dignity for my dear life. It scares me to think that so many people could still be alive were it not for one man's mistakes. I know it was almost like we were the only people helping them, but still. And I felt bad because our current president has to deal with all this bullshit, and no matter how much everyone wants him to pull the troops out from Afghanistan, he knows he can't. It's kill or be killed. And he's trying to protect us. And then I was scared for you. I don't know if you're going to be sent out there, you don't talk much about it now that you finally got the job. I mean, you probably will. And I don't want you to end up like all those poor men, who kill for the joy of the game, and end up raping women of the enemy just to find answers or something ridiculous like that. No matter how much I tell you you're not, you're still innocent. And when that day comes where you kill your first, whether it be enemy or civilian (and I hope you can tell the difference,) I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

You'll be less of a human than I already am.

Don't come near me, I'm no longer human.