Before you come in, please remember to leave your bullshit at the door.

Today was quite a new day. I suppose I really took my first breath of being single? I've always been a little flirtatious. I mean, a little, to me, but to other maybe extremely? Maybe? At my new shrink's, I was able to finally be angry with Pablo for, well, everything. Which to her, is a good thing, and I think maybe the last task on her "Guide to Getting Over Your Ex." And then I finally got to understanding/realizing/analyzing my situation, and thought, "You know what? In a week from tomorrow, I will be 3,000 miles away from this place. That's what we've both been dreaming of for the past 3 years. And I honestly feel sorry for him because he's staying here." I think that for the most part, I don't feel sorry for him because his family and his friends are all here. Or most of them at least. But I think the people that are here for him, are the people that are going to stay here for the rest of their lives. And for that I pity them. This is a terrible place to spend your late teens even to your 30's. Especially for people like us. People that crave adventure and excitement, or even just some sort of entertainment. And after I left my appointment, I felt okay. I didn't feel the need to look to see if his car was sitting, parked in front of his work. Or anything.

And then later I met a boy. Well, much less of a boy and more of a man, at least. Maybe it was just his freedom or aura of independence that attracted me to him because to be honest with you, I haven't found a white guy, other than the ones in the magazines or on the silver screens as attractive as he was in ages. Maybe never. He was like a god. And he came up to me first! (Rock climbing adventure with Diana today was a brilliant idea.) It was funny because when we first came in, we saw from far away him taking off his shirt. Diana said, "Damn, see, HE has a nice body," and I replied with, "Ehh, he's too skinny," and then she said, "Well, yeah, kind of." And we brushed it off. We'd been there for about an hour, unbeknownst to us, we were late for our threading appointment, but that's besides the point. And then we just sort of hit it off, probably because autobelays hate me I swung everywhere, I dunno, think damsel in distress sort of thing. Then we started talking. He moved here about a week ago for grad school at GW, from NY, which I thought was ironic because I'm moving in about a week for school in San Diego. We talked a lot actually. And it was good. I realized he wasn't as skinny/scrawny as I thought he was. Just basically 0% body fat, and all muscle? With a pair of the most beautiful deltoids I have ever seen in my life. Wow, I sound like a creep. But it was true. He really had me at the, "Yeah, it's cool, I basically wake up every morning walking around the city doing whatever I want to do, whenever." But that's really it. Nothing too interesting. I don't even really remember what his face looked like, but that his hair was really odd, curly, pretty long, and best of all, sun-bleached. It was odd, but it looked good on him and it suited him. He just looked so natural. Sort of the opposite of me, but not even halfway in between. Although he didn't have a beard. But I think he looked just fine without one.

Rock climbing is so much fun though, and I think if I could spend my entire day there I would. Hopefully I get to go again before I leave. If not, I hope I can find people that climb at the REC Center, etc. at school as nice and as real as them. I seem to be missing a whole lot of real in my life, and I think that's just what I need.

I don't want to get better unless you're there with me. I can't get better.

I'm slowly getting the hang of things, but sometimes I wish you would still call me or come to me begging for support. I hate that I can't to you. What do you do when your life support stops working?

And here I thought I was doing well today.

Sometimes I think that you're a liar.

Why do they say that if you love someone, you should set them free? The entire time while we were together, my mom would tell me that if I really loved him, then I would set him free so that he could mature and go back to school. Sometimes I think that is what he did for me. He set me free so that I could live my life, and study, and be successful. I don't really know. And I doubt I ever will. Sometimes I feel like he still loves me. But I never know what to believe now. I know what I want to believe in. I want to believe in us. I had so much hope and faith, and there's nothing that I wanted more than for us to be together forever.

Sometimes I think that if you heard my prayers, you would laugh and tell me to move on. Other times I think you would cry and tell me how sorry you are for hurting me. And then times other than those I feel like you would just look at me with your sad eyes, or try not to, and just not say a thing, tapping your fingers to some strange beat. Its funny because I feel like now that we're not together, I know you more than I ever have.