You know what I realized today? I always did so well in high school, and was so strong, (mind you this was before the big spanish baby ruined everything) because I never let idiots and obstacles get in my way. I knew what I wanted, and that was to finish high school, and get the hell out of Virginia. Then when I met Pablo, he broke down a lot of my walls, burnt all those bridges that I tried so hard to build up. But I've done it before, built those walls, and those bridges, so it should be easier this time. And everyday I'm learning that it is. San Francisco is just another place I cannot stand to be in, and now I just need to work as hard as I did in high school to get that ticket out of here. I never needed a boyfriend or anything like that to live my life. As most of my childhood was spent alone. But I grew up to be one of the most determined and motivated people I know. Anyone will tell you that, even Pablo. Having a boyfriend just made me forget what I was made of. I don't need these distractions. I don't need to hide behind a Man who will just try to push me away because he isn't as smart as I am or talented. Because they always try. They always will. I'm the kind of girl most men cannot handle. Not even just men, my mother can barely handle me. But I love her to death for trying. Same with my sister. Hah, and no shrink helped me come to this conclusion either. No drugs. No pills. No friends. Just me. Looks like I'm well on my way back to my old self. Well, not my old self, just the new, improved, stronger, and more unstoppable self. (Doesn't that sound terrifying? It's like the Terminator. But anyway.) The real Sarah.


ps. I'm not mad about having to go back to Virginia for all of summer, because I know it's not permanent. That place just isn't for me anymore. I just need to make the best of it while I'm there, which should be easy because it's summer vacation! However, one day, I will find my way down south again. And it'll probably be way down south in the middle of nowhere. Just don't know when that will be. Perhaps when I'm ready to settle down. But that won't be anytime soon.

It's funny because I can clearly see all the baggage you've got, and the minute mine shows, you bail. Will I ever find someone who will love me for my imperfections? Probably not. I've got a lot of baggage. LOLZ

Gave in, again today. I just feel so helpless. I know I messed up, and that I shouldn't have said any of those things. Not yet at least. But times are crazy right now. I just miss our casual, friendly, fun, videochat sessions. I guess because I feel so comfortable around you I forget that we barely know each other. Sigh. I just want school to be over already.

Funny how 24 hours can seem like a lifetime when trying to get clean.

I never wanted a big house, no white picket fence. I don't want fancy clothes or fancy cars. But I would love a dog or two, maybe 3, a husband who can double as my best friend, and maybe a child. Maybe, when I'm older. And if I got stuck under that god-awful sticky, southern sun, I think I would be okay with that. Most definitely okay with that.

When I was a younger, I used to pray that I would grow up and be beautiful and everyone would love me. Now I pray that all these body modifications and tattoos will cover me up.

The other day I found out my good friend Peter dropped out and moved back home to Chicago. He was going to help me with my next tattoo.

To be honest, I forgot about Pablo the minute you stepped into my life.

This is who I am. I don't understand why I can't get over it and just be grateful for being alive. Like how I used to be. But I suppose when you murder the only thing you love, the only thing that matters in your life, you want none of it. I can't get over the guilt of what my stupid selfish mistakes have done. Were he human, he'd probably not want me to be this way. He'd tell me to move on, and tell me that he did this for me. So I can do what I want and be free. But he isn't. And all I can think about is him wondering where I went, and why I haven't come home yet. Words will never describe how much I miss you, buddy. My one true love. The only one capable of loving me, despite how fucked up I am. I know It hasn't even been a year yet, but I will never forget you. I will never love anyone more. They always say, "til death do us apart," but death can't even separate us. You're with me where ever I go, boy. Always.

What the hell happened to me today? I finally broke the fuck down, that's what happened. Done.

The only reason I could come up with for you being this way is that I finally moved on, and found someone I really enjoy being with, but he really doesn't feel much for me. And because you haven't found anyone else yet either, you're trying to get back at me and talk shit. But okay. It's fine. I give up.

Oops, I fucked up everything. This is me caring. Not.

A preview of what is to come for my final. This is my favorite class and my favorite teacher. Also, that boy is the best. Why was I so damn baked that day? Ugh. Shit could've been so much better. Drugs will be the death of me, and keep me from my future. Maybe the more I say it, the more I will believe it. Sigh.

Britney is the shit.