I'm always going to be afraid to go home.

It's probably nothing like the original, but this is how I love you. Not because I want to, but because I just do. That's what love is. It happens. It never seizes. It's always there. Probably the only thing that is permanent in life.



Love Sonnet XVII by Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were a salt rose, or topaz
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
So I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

No, I don't want you back. I'll always love you, and you'll always be with me. But my life is what I make it, and you're not in it.

And now I know why you could never be with me. You couldn't handle the jealousy.

It's times like these where I really need you back in my life. And I hate myself for it.

I'm not boy crazy, I just miss talking to people of the opposite gender because well, I'm stuck with numerous girls all day, everyday. I miss having conversations that aren't just major bitch fests. So you shouldn't say that, especially since you're the one still hung up on your ex. Yes, I went there. I'm sorry guys who are sexy always just happen to walk up to me, and talk to me about something that I'm interested in.

Fuck. So. Stupid.

Breathe.

I've getting good at that. The whole, breathing thing.

Cannot sleep at all. Too much on my mind. Why is it that the moment I try to forget about you, someone else pops into my life like Trevor, or Vega. I just want to disappear for a while. I'm okay with just looking and admiring. Being caught off guard when a cute boy tries to talk to me. The butterflies in my stomach. But I don't want anything from it. It's just meaningless. And I'm fine with that. I don't know why this bothers me so much. I suppose I've just gotten so used to not saying no.

I need a break. From life.

Why must you insist on coming back into my life? You are also some 3000 miles away. Telling me you hear that stupid Arcade Fire song, and it reminds you of me. And that we should get a place together? I don't know about that. I really don't know about that.

I keep this blog because I believe there are things that I just don't need to say out loud or to other people because I don't think they need to hear it. Not to be secretive, or because I don't trust anyone. It's just that more than half the things I say on here are personal, and things that would just bring down the conversation.