Going out now, I feel more beautiful than I ever was when I went out with you. Don't get me wrong, I felt beautiful when it was just the two of us, and when we were at home, I just didn't care, but I don't think I ever really enjoyed going out with you. Plus whenever we went out, unless you were holding my hand, it was like we weren't even together or you had your hand on my shoulder like I was your property, which I always hated. No matter how much I said you were mine or you said that I was yours. It's because we took each other's virginity. Not because your hand was on my shoulder or mine was on yours.

Last night in NoVa was a success. Spent it with people who actually cared about me and people who wanted to see me. Not with people who just And even though I didn't get to see everyone I wanted to see, they were most likely burning up my phone to see me. I feel bad that I didn't get to see everyone I wanted to see, but it's not like I'm leaving for good. Not yet at least. It wasn't a "good-bye." Well, it was, but more like a "good-bye for now." But it wasn't sad, which is good. It was how it's supposed to be. It was a good time with real people. That's sort of my new thing now. Reality. But it's good, you know? It's a shit ton better than surrounding yourself with people that only act like they like you because they have to, or people that only care about you because someone you know does. And I think it's safe to say that's what a whole lot of the 2 1/2 years of my life were. Plus, how much can someone really care about you if they choose to break up with you over the phone after that long and then they try to completely erase you from their life like nothing ever happened? They either don't care at all, or are too afraid to look into your eyes and tell you that they don't love you anymore. Neither of which I want in my life at any point.

I guess I missed you so much because I was so comfortable with you this past almost 3 years. That's all you really were to me. Maybe love goes hand in hand with comfort. And being miserable and on-edge constantly because it feels like your life has just fallen apart is not comfortable at all. So don't get me wrong, I was in love with you. Not at the beginning, but I learned to. And I learned to love you more when everything with Tom happened. But we should've ended things then. I'm not saying that I cheated, but we should have. We were both so young, and you were stupid to think that you could put me in a box away from the world and call me yours. We were stupid to think that we would never look or think about anyone else but each other. I mean, just the possibility of meeting other people that I could love more than I loved you and love me more than you did made me look around. I would think, "Wow, maybe a couple years from now I could meet somebody in this room down the road, and we fall madly in love with each other," or more than I thought you and I were. But anyway, even though that's when I realized that I was in love with you, I knew you would never trust me afterwards. But I mean, I never trusted you. And I still don't. And I stand beside every reason I have to not trust you. So then maybe love doesn't go hand in hand with comfort, or maybe it does, but just with trust in the mix. Because if it was just comfort, I've probably been in love with a lot of people, which I haven't. But then I don't know, because I know I was in love with you. I can't explain how or why, but I know that if I wasn't, then I wouldn't have reacted the way I did. We were stupid to not take our relationship day by day like we should have from the beginning. Like how I wanted it to be, but I guess somewhere in the frenzy of hormones that idea got lost. And I'm sorry, because we just caused ourself an entire 2 1/2 years a cocktail of happiness, tears, pain, and anger for no reason.

But anyway, in about 13 hours I will be on a Los Angeles, and then later to my new home in San Diego. I'm sorry we couldn't be friends, but that's no fault of mine.

Fell asleep around 7AM, woke up around 11AM.

I'm sorry you feel the need to try to be that person you were before we met. Because no matter how hard you try, you're never going to be exactly the same. And 2 1/2 years ago, you were still in love with me.

So much for sleep @ 4:22:47 AM.

I'm so tired.

Dear you,

I know you're reading this. Because you always do. I hate how I have to talk to you here because I know otherwise you will just yell at me. Please think of how it is to know that you are able to see how I'm doing and how I'm feeling, but only through here, in the comfort of your own privacy because you know no one will look through your history. Why is it that you are able to know how I am doing, but I am unable to see how you are doing? How is that fair? Do you think you're protecting me? Do you think you're protecting yourself? You were always so full of secrets and hiding things. At least if I were talking to people that I "shouldn't" have been talking to, I told you straight up, or you saw because I'm not a fucking coward. Do you think trying to erase me from your life will keep me out of your mind and your thoughts? That's sort of funny because with you trying to erase me, you think about me every time. Just because we said our good-byes, doesn't mean you have to erase me. Are you ashamed of how you were with me? Do you think that if your friends found out, they would be mad at you? Or call you a pussy or a faggot? And tell you to man up? I do. That's just how your friends are. Some of them, at least. So afraid of showing some sort of feeling or emotion, so that no one would ever think you were weak. But that's where you're wrong. By hiding your emotions, YOU are the weak one. I feel sorry for you.

I'm sorry that all I ever wanted you to do was feel how you made me feel. Whether it was happiness, love, sadness or even anger. I just wanted you to feel.

I've really only wanted what's best for you. You should know that. But if you've reached down to here, and you have the balls to take a risk, without your cheerleading squad of friends whispering into your ear to resist, call me after you read this.

Love Always,

Me

ps. Kitty said she will miss you a lot.

Dear journal, I feel worse than I did when he first broke up with me.

I think most of all I just miss you holding me and telling me that everything is going to be alright.

I hate how you tell me not to cry. Crying makes me feel better. It really does. That's what it's supposed to do. I miss you so much. I feel like I gave up the last few remnants of my life with you, and I hate it.

Every time I think of you, I wish that you think of me too. I wish you would have learned that it's okay to be sad, and it's okay to be like this. Because it is. This isn't one of those things that you can just completely erase and forget that it ever happened. I think that's the key to getting over it and to being strong. You have to face your fears and your problems for them to really go away.

Today my shrink was telling me this analogy, comparing these "fears" (is what we'll call them) to getting a splinter. If you have a splinter in your hand, and you leave it in because you know it will hurt too much to take it out, and then it gets infected and doesn't heal very fast. But if you take it out, yes, it hurts a lot at first, there is a lot of pain. But it heals faster. I try so hard every day, but I feel like because you keep running away from it, I can't. You are my other half, and what you do, what you think, I feel it. I don't think I've studied someone so hard in my life, and tried to get them to know me back. I always think that if you would have waited, it would get better. Because I felt the same way you felt, numerous times when things got rough. But I knew I couldn't give up. I couldn't give up one you, on me, on us. I never will. And if you asked me to fall in love with you again, I would. But I know right now that you won't. And you will try to deny everything I've written. But maybe one day you will realize that we are two halves that form one. Why would something that feels so right, that is so right, be wrong? It was real, what we had. I hope that one day you realize it, but I know that right now, you don't. And I feel sorry for you.

Sorry to break it to you, but love isn't glamorous. It isn't 100% problem free. That just isn't possible.

Today is a good day for good-byes. Maybe not a good day, but it's going to be the only day this week that I will be okay with it. Its funny that I said good-bye to you on what would have been our 32nd month together. I'm glad it was today rather than any other day. I don't think I've felt that I've ever loved you more in my life than today. But it's okay. It's okay because I'm ready to say good-bye.

Victoria is saying good-bye to David today. She's dropping him off at his recruiter's. And then her and Diana are coming with me to bring Twilight to the Humane Society today. I wanted to hold on to her for a while, but I figured it would just be worse. Today is also my last day of work.

So today might not be a good day. But it's a day that I'm willing to be okay to be sad for/about. It's a day where I'm ready to say good-bye, which is amazing because I hate good-byes.

Wow, I just realized what today is. Or would have been. FML.

Crossing my fingers at everything working out this last week before I leave. By far the most chill day I have had a work in a long time. Diana never fails to keep me smiling, even when I'm sad. She's probably one of the most real people I have ever met in my life. Maybe one of the only, but mostly people she's real the entire time. Don't get me wrong, I've met some real people in my life. But it was like, with them, as soon as something came up, they were gone or completely, you know, un-real. In a bad way. The new kid at work is pretty real too, but I guess more real in a "chill, no b.s." sort of way.

It usually days like these, that start off really bad, and then end up going well, that I realize that things are going to be okay. The other day my horoscope told me to stop looking for love. I've been pondering that all weekend. Especially since meeting you-know-who. I think I tried to because I remembered how happy I used to be when Pablo and I were okay, content, happy? Just not arguing or sad. That's when I was my happiest because I knew nothing ever mattered, and I never had a care in the world. Or at least, I felt like it. It just really fuckin' sucks. And I hate to say it, but these past few episodes of True Blood have not only taken my mind away from the world, but also brought me back to where I currently am. Especially in this last episode, where Bill starts to notice the little things telling him that he's slowly starting to lose Sookie. I feel like I always sort of had that with Pablo, but maybe he'd always done the same as well. I was always scared that I was going to lose him, because I knew that so much of a good thing couldn't possibly last forever. It just wasn't really until this last time where I realized I was actually losing him. I think I knew it, but I was just in denial. Maybe I was just blind. But love makes you do stupid things.

And for that, I hate it. But I crave it.

What an awful day. I. feel. like. shit.