I wish I had all the pills in the world to take them all at once to show the world what happens to people when they are put on medication in this day and age.

It's not that I fall in love easily, it's that I see parts of myself in other people, I feel sorry for them, and I want to help. I just want someone to love me back for never giving up on them, and I don't want them to give up on me either.

Sometimes I cry not because I'm sad, but because I realize I am happy.

To My Last Love. I don't miss you. I'm just sad that we can't talk anymore. You were the only one who knew you were hurting me, and I was just too weak let you go. And for that I love you. Not like I once did, but for being smart enough to realize you were just as broken as I was. I knew I was hurting you too, I just didn't care.

I should have gone to vet school.

This feels like waking up Saturday mornings, smoking a bowl, and waiting for you to come home from class and love me. You always did. This feels like freedom. Maybe we won't go back. Maybe we'll just keep going. I've got nothing left to lose.

I'd really like to go home, but I don't know where that is.

I cry because I have so much to tell the world, but nobody else ever wants to listen. It's only ever just a few people, but I'm grateful for them because I want them to be able to spread the word as well. But it will never spread because people are afraid to be happy, to fight for what they believe in. This just reminds me of history as I partake in these online classes for school. People of ancient civilizations developed religion and culture to appease their soul and their sanity because they knew they couldn't control the world and the forces around them. It ultimately was to satisfy their souls and keep them content in life. But tell me this, when did religion grow so hateful and exclusive? It was never meant to be that way.

I just can't help but believe I was put on this earth for something so much bigger and better for me, but I know I need to build myself up (in more ways than one; not only mentally, emotionally, physically but also build myself a giant, infamous career) so that others will listen too. I need to make myself larger than life for others to listen, it's just taking a while because we can't all be Lady Gaga's but there's no harm in trying.

When listening to The Dark Tower Series doesn't remind me of you. Watched a beautiful film tonight called 'A Midnight In Paris' and I couldn't relate any more to it. In fact, I completely related to it. The whole idea of we turn to other eras in time to escape the realties of ours. And I couldn't also connect more to the lovely Maila Nurmi aka Vampira. In the words of the one and only,

"Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean where ever you are I love you - I always have and I always will." Sarah.

Pretty sure I will be attracted to every goddamn Pisces that I meet. But I have self control, and I know how Pisces are. So y'all can keep doing your thing but keep me the fuck out of it. Because I'm keeping my distance. And I'm really good at laughing at Pisces. Does it make you feel insecure? LOL

I love my dog. I love my family. And I love my friends.

Happiness is only real when shared.

Goal in Life: treat everyone like shit so that when you finally have nobody left, you can kill yourself in peace. There's no one to give a shit that you're dead since they all hate your guts.

Because nothing in life is permanent!


The one thing I've always wanted more than my career/dreams was to kill myself.

To My Beloved Sun & Stars. I don't know when I started to care so much, when I got so weak. You were the sun and stars to my moonlit sky. You were right there beside me, and I didn't know what to do with you. I hurt you and in turn hurt myself. I tore apart my sky, and now, like before, we are separate. Destined to never meet again.

Love,
The Moon.

Because so many people are always begging me to listen to them, as if their advice is the most important. Well, I am listening to you now and let's see where this has gotten me? I don't really have a family anymore! But like they taught me, I shouldn't have to lean on anyone but myself right? Because we're born alone, we'll die alone? I know. Well, I'm alone now.

One time I got a fortune cookie that said, "The road to success is a lonely one." I guess this is it.

Finally waking up at a decent time and wanting to get out of bed, to get out of house, and once finally out of bed, something always has to try to get me back in. And I'm in. Defeated.

My heart is in Virginia, it always been.

And so I ran to my kitchen window, crying your name. Calling out to you, as if you'd hear me. But you never came.

And maybe I suffered so much so that one day you could learn to let someone love you like I did, or like I tried.

Because when you sleep in the same bed with someone for so long, you never think that one day you'll wake up, and his hands are around your throat, squeezing your life out. All I have to live with now are the memories.

You tell me you can't always get what you want, but tell me what it is that I DO have?

My fed up family, suicidal thoughts/tendencies, my drug abuse, fear, guilt, an ounce of what's left of my motivation, the dust and debris of what I once was. Because I'm not depressed anymore, they stopped calling it that a long time ago, I'm a fucking trauma victim now. Haha. Haven't once been to war or killed a man, but that doesn't stop the PTSD. The only way to stop it is to overcome the thoughts. But it's already so difficult when I have already so much on my plate. Because my whole life all I wanted to do was make my mother happy, let her be proud of me when I showed her my diploma. But instead all I've gotten out of it were two rapes, drug abuse, a shit ton of debt, and a bunch of court hearings to see my exboyfriend who almost killed me. Remembering him on top of me with his hands around my neck, what it was like when he kissed me, and how he made me feel when he told me he loved me. This, my friends, is all mine.

We used to have a lot of fun together.

Being too afraid to sleep with the lights on because I know all I will see is you.