I feel like I'm strapped at the ankles to the luggage and suitcases of my past, and somebody just threw us in the water. I'm swimming and swimming as hard as I can, but I can't. I can't do it alone. I feel like I'm just drowning. Drowning and missing you.

It's been difficult for me lately to face the fact last year at this time I was happy and I was in love. This isn't supposed to be getting harder.

Today was the first time in weeks where I saw someone that reminded me of him. The funny thing was, it wasn't so much that he reminded me of him but that he was essentially the spitting image. Skinnier, maybe a little taller, but his hands were different. And it wasn't until after I had walked right passed him, freaked myself out for a minute waiting for the bus and get on to find that he feels the need to sit right next to me on the bus. Meanwhile I'm squished between my devil's lookalike and his very very large friend or classmate and they talking over me. The most uncomfortable situation I have ever found myself in to this day. I could barely look over at him for a while. The universe is just sending me some tough love I guess that wouldn't yet take me over the edge. But I fear the day it sends me something that does.

Suddenly feeling more alive and more complete as soon as I put my new fur on. What does this say about me? And why am I feeling like this? ..I wouldn't doubt if it were from some sort of a cat.

X

"It's like you're screaming, and no one can hear
You almost feel ashamed
That someone could be that important
That without them, you feel like nothing
No one will ever understand how much it hurts
You feel hopeless; like nothing can save you
And when it's over, and it's gone
You almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back
Just so that you could have the good."

The Sun & Stars. When you have to lie to your soul-mate that you're seeing someone, to see if they actually still care and love you, and you find out that they do in fact still love you, but for some reason you try to make them believe that you don't, even though they've been accusing you the past couple of weeks that you're still in love with them because they didn't want you to be anymore. You just have to stop. This is when I definitely realized that we just can't be together right now. And believe me when I say I'm dying inside because of it. I just can't be running in circles anymore. I pray the universe one day brings us back together, but not like before, healthier, happier, the best we've ever been. But just together. Forever. -The Moon

Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up without anymore tears...

Also, thanks for finally telling me the difference between our relationship and what your relationship was with Leah. I always thought you were different too. <3

I'm okay, I just want to get high. We talked, or I tried to talk to him, he couldn't calm down. And I saw a really really broken side of him..even more broken than me...he's so broken and hurt and there's nothing I can do or say that can fix him right now..maybe in a couple months down the road. But there's nothing I can do for him now.
His words were all in circles, he couldn't remember things he just said maybe 5 minutes before. He just kept accusing me of being crazy, saying nothing I said made sense. He's lost, stuck somewhere. I want to help him so bad but I can't. Not right now.

It's just all so funny because he reminds me of how I was when Pablo and I were together. But I am Pablo in this one.

I have the attention of too many men without giving them anything in return. It grows difficult battling my demons lately, I could hurt you so bad if I wanted to, or have somebody else do it. My heart is so full of vengeance, but only because I want you to be mine. And for me to be yours, like we once were. You were the only who was truly just as fucked up as I, obviously an unhealthy situation, but the point of the story is that you and I are one in the same. I have contemplated many a time what I would do if I ever set foot in the same room as my other half, what would I do or say. Well I believe I have, and I messed up during my chance, so you better believe I'm going to do anything I can to get you back. But if you knew anything about the amount of times I have been offered to have you "taken care of," you'd most definitely be mine.

No matter how drunk we were the night before, you'd always get up before me the next morning and cook the most amazing breakfast or lunch. Any meal of the day. Anything. Your food brought me life and energy to live again. I need another bite of the apple.

I voted!

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." -Bill, age 4.

I don't want to be talented, I don't want to be beautiful. I want to be completely in love with someone and I want them to be completely in love with me too. Real love. Real bohemian love.

I was hoping that when I opened my eyes, you'd magically appear for me.

Maybe I'll cut my hair like this after Halloween

K. Novak

Mansfield's crash and her poor decapitated puppy. Notice the blonde hair in the top left corner.

For some reason, it's been so difficult for me to eat alone.

Seriously, I was Wanda Jackson in my past life.

I miss Stinky.

Swim that lost river to me..

I need to stop listening to Lana Del Rey.

My apartment is turning into a cage of burning memories. Tearing me apart from the inside out.

My mom will never support me in any decision that I make based on my sanity & happiness. And that's fine, because it's my sanity, my happiness, and my life. Not hers.

I just don't know how to make friends anymore.

I missed a lot of really amazing opportunities last year because I was fucking around. Not this year. I just pray that I am once again blessed with those opportunities but with a stronger head on my shoulders.

First day back in therapy on Thursday and my therapist asks me if there's any help I can get for my RO, telling me, "surely, you can't have your rights taken away like that." I replied to her with, "surely, they denied me any rights at all when the police decided to file Joel's false accusation without further questioning."

It was a good meeting though.

I guess what baffles me about the whole situation is that I'm realizing that I've messed up, but still she gets so much support for constantly messing up her life. And I can't be apart of that. I'm trying to make it through life too, I can't be there dragging a grown adult through it as well. Wreaking havoc whenever she pleases just because she can. I can't be a baby sitter anymore. I've said my apologies. I just want to know why that if we're BOTH so depressed, why anyone thought this was a good idea to begin with? When times get tough, you see the true side of others. I may have a million and one family members, but they will have always alienated me my entire life because I was different. So alienate me some more because I'm doing what's right for me. I'm growing up and doing my time and that's all that matters.

It's hard to tell if I'm going crazy or if it's just the TL. But it's probably both.

Bettie Page was diagnosed with schizophrenia and placed in a state mental institution for 11 years because she stabbed three people and claimed afterwards that God had told her to stab them.

I worked too hard in this life to let anyone bring me down. Especially my mother.

I don't make poor decisions when I'm high; I make poor decisions when I'm drunk. When I'm high, I don't decisions.

Hence, why most days I only get drunk at home...and it's time to cut back.

Finally fulfilling my childhood dreams of being a blonde. Slowly but surely. This is my destiny. FTW.

I wish I had all the pills in the world to take them all at once to show the world what happens to people when they are put on medication in this day and age.

It's not that I fall in love easily, it's that I see parts of myself in other people, I feel sorry for them, and I want to help. I just want someone to love me back for never giving up on them, and I don't want them to give up on me either.

Sometimes I cry not because I'm sad, but because I realize I am happy.

To My Last Love. I don't miss you. I'm just sad that we can't talk anymore. You were the only one who knew you were hurting me, and I was just too weak let you go. And for that I love you. Not like I once did, but for being smart enough to realize you were just as broken as I was. I knew I was hurting you too, I just didn't care.

I should have gone to vet school.

This feels like waking up Saturday mornings, smoking a bowl, and waiting for you to come home from class and love me. You always did. This feels like freedom. Maybe we won't go back. Maybe we'll just keep going. I've got nothing left to lose.

I'd really like to go home, but I don't know where that is.

I cry because I have so much to tell the world, but nobody else ever wants to listen. It's only ever just a few people, but I'm grateful for them because I want them to be able to spread the word as well. But it will never spread because people are afraid to be happy, to fight for what they believe in. This just reminds me of history as I partake in these online classes for school. People of ancient civilizations developed religion and culture to appease their soul and their sanity because they knew they couldn't control the world and the forces around them. It ultimately was to satisfy their souls and keep them content in life. But tell me this, when did religion grow so hateful and exclusive? It was never meant to be that way.

I just can't help but believe I was put on this earth for something so much bigger and better for me, but I know I need to build myself up (in more ways than one; not only mentally, emotionally, physically but also build myself a giant, infamous career) so that others will listen too. I need to make myself larger than life for others to listen, it's just taking a while because we can't all be Lady Gaga's but there's no harm in trying.

When listening to The Dark Tower Series doesn't remind me of you. Watched a beautiful film tonight called 'A Midnight In Paris' and I couldn't relate any more to it. In fact, I completely related to it. The whole idea of we turn to other eras in time to escape the realties of ours. And I couldn't also connect more to the lovely Maila Nurmi aka Vampira. In the words of the one and only,

"Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean where ever you are I love you - I always have and I always will." Sarah.

Pretty sure I will be attracted to every goddamn Pisces that I meet. But I have self control, and I know how Pisces are. So y'all can keep doing your thing but keep me the fuck out of it. Because I'm keeping my distance. And I'm really good at laughing at Pisces. Does it make you feel insecure? LOL

I love my dog. I love my family. And I love my friends.

Happiness is only real when shared.

Goal in Life: treat everyone like shit so that when you finally have nobody left, you can kill yourself in peace. There's no one to give a shit that you're dead since they all hate your guts.

Because nothing in life is permanent!


The one thing I've always wanted more than my career/dreams was to kill myself.

To My Beloved Sun & Stars. I don't know when I started to care so much, when I got so weak. You were the sun and stars to my moonlit sky. You were right there beside me, and I didn't know what to do with you. I hurt you and in turn hurt myself. I tore apart my sky, and now, like before, we are separate. Destined to never meet again.

Love,
The Moon.

Because so many people are always begging me to listen to them, as if their advice is the most important. Well, I am listening to you now and let's see where this has gotten me? I don't really have a family anymore! But like they taught me, I shouldn't have to lean on anyone but myself right? Because we're born alone, we'll die alone? I know. Well, I'm alone now.

One time I got a fortune cookie that said, "The road to success is a lonely one." I guess this is it.

Finally waking up at a decent time and wanting to get out of bed, to get out of house, and once finally out of bed, something always has to try to get me back in. And I'm in. Defeated.

My heart is in Virginia, it always been.

And so I ran to my kitchen window, crying your name. Calling out to you, as if you'd hear me. But you never came.

And maybe I suffered so much so that one day you could learn to let someone love you like I did, or like I tried.

Because when you sleep in the same bed with someone for so long, you never think that one day you'll wake up, and his hands are around your throat, squeezing your life out. All I have to live with now are the memories.

You tell me you can't always get what you want, but tell me what it is that I DO have?

My fed up family, suicidal thoughts/tendencies, my drug abuse, fear, guilt, an ounce of what's left of my motivation, the dust and debris of what I once was. Because I'm not depressed anymore, they stopped calling it that a long time ago, I'm a fucking trauma victim now. Haha. Haven't once been to war or killed a man, but that doesn't stop the PTSD. The only way to stop it is to overcome the thoughts. But it's already so difficult when I have already so much on my plate. Because my whole life all I wanted to do was make my mother happy, let her be proud of me when I showed her my diploma. But instead all I've gotten out of it were two rapes, drug abuse, a shit ton of debt, and a bunch of court hearings to see my exboyfriend who almost killed me. Remembering him on top of me with his hands around my neck, what it was like when he kissed me, and how he made me feel when he told me he loved me. This, my friends, is all mine.

We used to have a lot of fun together.

Being too afraid to sleep with the lights on because I know all I will see is you.

My ex is from Austin, Texas. Gaby's new man is from Austin, Texas. My previous ex is currently in Austin, Texas. And yet, all I can think about are all the grimey shit that goes on down there. And we all thought Virginia was bad. At least we only smoked pot for the most part. So glad I never grew up in Texas.

"Don't let him get the best of you. Don't let him win."

It feels as if we never met and that I'm okay with it. Like you're just somebody else I never knew.

Yeah, sometimes I miss you. But what you made it become is just not worth throwing my life away for you.

I just want my normal life back again. None of this constantly looking over my shoulder business.

Yeah, sometimes I miss you. But what you made it become is just not worth throwing my life away for you.

Took off my flannel today in class and one of my classmates yells out, "Sarah! Did you lose weight?!" I sharply replied with, "Yes, I just got out of one of the worst relationships of my life. I lost weight," in my head. But actually tell her, "Uhh yeah, but not on purpose." Nobody told me I looked like a skeleton until I went into the H&M fitting room to try on clothes and I saw it for myself. To letting things you shouldn't get the best of you.

I heard you calling my name outside my window, most likely drunk. I know it was you. I hated it because I wanted so badly to yell back, "____?" but my voice was caught deep down in my throat. And after it all, there was still nothing I could do.

"This is cool..she was short, and kinda crazy." -Bobby describing the Owner of the Mystery House in San Jose, CA.

What if the most important thing for me to do [show them] is to submit.

The first thing when I wake up and the last before I go to bed are still the hardest. Yet it's only been a week. During those times he's all I see, but it's getting easier.

Since the other day, I noticed Tinkerbell will no longer let me out of her sight. She kisses my bruises and scratches before bed and in the morning whem we wake. She kisses my pain away. She knows. It's as if she feels guilty for not being there to protect me when it happened. But if anything, I'm glad she wasn't because then she probably wouldn't be here with me right now.

I just don't want to almost get arrested, if we start talking again.. :\

Maybe I can't really listen to The Beatles anymore. And maybe I will always hear "Hey Joe" wrong. But we were never supposed to be, it was just all too easy.

When you bought us ice-cream in the park and said, "It looked good in Spider-Man."

To having nowhere else to walk to in the middle of night except straight to the bars.

You know, seeing as I survived my second abusive relationship. I feel fine.

Hello 4am and a pain that don't ever go away.

Because maybe it was you the whole time who was keeping me grounded.

When everything in your life becomes so overwhelmingly unsure, nothing makes sense anymore, thoughts don't form, the strongest people in your life are just as broken as you, stories don't add up, and nothing stays consistent minus the fact that you make the wrong choices. I feel like I'm digging myself into a grave, and there's nothing that'll get me out but my own willpower, that I spent all of keeping us alive.

The I-80 at night is like traveling through space. My producers are awesome.

The part where your dog almost takes off your boyfriends' hand..

So I complain a lot, I know I do. And yes, maybe he seems terrible. But until he proves to me otherwise, every man is evil and up to no good. But he's been surprising me every day since the last time I wrote. And things were so lovely for a while, but I'd hate to call them one thing if it meant that those times were over. This love is cosmic. And it's only growing. And I know we're getting restless. We're both so terrified of things growing to a certain point and getting comfortable, because we're tauruses and all we want is to be comfortable, but once we get there, we just snap. I'm afraid. I'm so afraid of reaching that point of no return. But who knows, maybe I'm just being usual paranoid self. Who knows.

Drinking wine in the dark, contemplating this issue. I never met anyone with a worse drug habit than me, until I met you. And for the first time in my life, I realize that the shit only gets in the way.

When your lovers love you more than your love loves you.

Finally have my stripes back..

Why do we let our lovers walk all over us?

Today I felt loved for the first time in weeks. Months. Neither of us know what we're doing, but that's okay. For the first time in a while, things are okay. Better than okay. I will try not to get too comfortable.

"If a Jasmine Tree person can find someone who can help them to become a little more optimistic and show them the true beauty of life, they will remain faithful to them for the rest of their life."

I can teach you how to ruin your life and your relationships with everyone around you.

The trouble I get myself into!

I really hurt him and this time I actually care

I got too comfortable.

Of course, here I am getting so comfortable with him. I am terrified.

For once I feel stronger than somebody else in my life, but why him? So I can teach myself that I am worth more and stronger than I think.

When your "boyfriend" says he can tell that you "like" him "a lot." And you laugh and ask, "Oh yeah, what else can you 'tell'?" It's best he thinks he's still in control. He'll never get too close.

Now you're just somebody that I used to know.

Because no one else can make you feel like I can.

The actual moment I realize you mean more to me than I want you to. Daydreaming of being in love again. And subconsciously dreading the day.

Just give in to me.

It's everything about you. And the fact that I'd so willingly drop everything if it meant I could have you. Way back when we would let ourselves love one another.

In the back of your truck with the radio on.

And love was easy,
Just laying on a river bank all night counting the stars,
Love was easy,
As that feeling we found in the back seat of my car,
Even in the dark,
Love was easy,
When we didn't make it so hard.

Snapped this photo of myself in a recent morning when I caught myself smiling. I had to see if it was real.

And for every time I feel empty, I tell my dog I love her. With the amount that I tell her, she always feels loved. And I always feel loved back.

To my family, my friends, my dog, my love. I love you. And don't you forget it.

And this is why I do not leave my apartment.

"Don't ever trust a guy who tells you he's never going to hurt you" - My Abusive Ex, funny how the world goes round.

I think it's about time I stop fooling myself and everyone around me. I think it's about time I go home.

Thank you, Dr. Drew, but I already know I'm fucked up.

And if I ever have a daughter I will name her Virginia Jolene.

"Your love will be the death of me."

Had fun playing 'the girlfriend' this weekend. Today, my mother asked if Joel "looks like him..the last one," I laughed and said no. And then she called him a bootlegger and a cowboy. Nuts. Hah. He brews his own beer and he's from Texas. So I guess it makes sense.