My therapist told me a lot of the things I believe I am perceiving in real life are actually in my head. But now, I'm just stuck in my head. I am even more confused than I was before. How can I analyze anything I'm doing or what's going on, if this is all happening in my head...what is real?

I thought therapy was supposed to help me, not make me even more overwhelmed of the amount of things I can't do right..

There are always the ones that somehow make you feel beautiful, but they make you nervous because you aren't sure if you're good enough for them, or if they're even good enough for you. Other times there are the ones that you can enjoy the silence with and feel serene for the first time in ages. Highly conflicted feelings. Sigh. Why can't I just know right off the bat which one is better for me?

Maybe nothing feels right with anybody else because it only feels right with you. No. I'm just unsure of life, and surrounded by four really great guys who will never be you, but offer me much more than you ever did. Five, if you count my neighbor I partied with once. One offered me financial stability. Another a trip for the two of us, anywhere in the world I wanted to go. And this third one, I'm pretty sure would offer me his heart and all the love in the world if I let him know. The fourth one, Idk, he's the most like you, he's not racist, but god, is he dumb. He kind of fell off my radar for a little bit. So this is what I'm dealing with. In a perfect world, I would have nothing to complain about. But it's weird, I don't really have any complaint aside from I don't know which one to choose. And that's the thing. Because I really don't have to choose anyone. I don't have to do anything.

I haven't really done any work since Sunday. What's wrong with me? I can't focus.

I'm so sick of this city.

Giving someone the same advice you give yourself.

I just wish I could be singing again. And not constantly feel like I'm leading my life in the wrong direction.

Finally readjusting and devoting my life to me. It can't be my job to try to make everyone happy except myself anymore. It's difficult. And it's lonely. But I'm getting used to the fact that I don't have to settle for less, or settle for someone who is doing nothing but hurting me. Not just with my boyfriends or lovers, but friends too. I just want to be happy, and stable. And strong so that I don't get taken advantage of anymore. But really. I'm at the point in my life where it's actually easy to block out the bullshit. Things that don't matter. Some of it, at least. I may or may not just doing a damn good job of hiding in my apartment, and looking as if I don't have a care in the world. The people that are currently in my life, are in my life for a reason. The people currently falling out of my life, or those who are no longer present in my life, that was for a reason too. It's sad sometimes, but I would've never learned better otherwise. Last friday I had my first alcoholic drink in about a month. That was pretty awesome. But I got wasted. And of course drank myself into the next day. But I haven't had a drink since! Also, low-and-behold, now that I'm the only smoker in my group of friends, I'm not broke before I get my next paycheck! But see what I mean? I don't have to make myself suffer because other people are suffering too. Tinkerbell helps so much.

I'm tired of trying to get myself to believe that things are going to change.

I wish I wasn't do scared to start dating again

Having to remind yourself that person no longer exists..

I always thought if I was just myself, it would be easier for me to weed out the bad ones or from the good..but I guess some people are just better than others at pretending.

I've changed so much for the people around me. It feels like enough. I'm not even myself anymore. I mean, is that not enough?

I'm kind of a lot like Charlie from 'Perks of Being a Wallflower.' I don't think it occurred to me so much since I read the book. But maybe this can help you understand me a bit more.

Can people just let me be skinny and leave me alone? Ever think that maybe I feel good the way I am? I'm eating. It's fine.

But apologize often. I need to stop utilizing this for madness.

If only self-medicating never lead to substance abuse.

My family always puts me last on the list of importance for anything. Hence why all my psychological problems manifested into..this.

I can't help but hate you both for how I've become because you still haven't taken responsibility for how fucked up it was to have a child after neither of you gave anymore fucks. Every ounce of trouble I got myself into growing up was because I didn't know better, and nobody told me otherwise growing up. I didn't know what right from wrong was. So every couple years I find out something new, something bad that has happened in my life, that I should've said "no" to, but I didn't have any guidance or anyone to tell me these things were wrong.

I have always been treated differently because I was too white or because I was too Filipino.

And that's why my father wonders why I never call. And my mother wonders why I never pick up. Because both of you created this monster, and it's just, "well, what can you do now?" You all think I can deal with it on my own, but I can't. I've tried for so long, and I'm tired.

So let's all just give our problems to God, drink and smoke ourselves into oblivion and just fucking forget about all the mistakes we made in life because we can't do anything about them now.

It's hard. When you finally find your psychotic other half, you don't want to let go. No one will understand you like they do. And they and everybody else knows it.

Sometimes I wake up with a completely different outlook to life. It's not everyday yet, but it's been that way the past few weeks. My therapist says I even sound different, confident, and content. Now if only I could figure out how to eat regularly so I can stop the little weird phases. I want to be healthy. But it seems like everyone around me doesn't. And it's difficult for me to cut the energy between us. Slowly, but surely. I do feel a lot better though. I finally feel like I'm living.

I feel like I'm strapped at the ankles to the luggage and suitcases of my past, and somebody just threw us in the water. I'm swimming and swimming as hard as I can, but I can't. I can't do it alone. I feel like I'm just drowning. Drowning and missing you.

It's been difficult for me lately to face the fact last year at this time I was happy and I was in love. This isn't supposed to be getting harder.

Today was the first time in weeks where I saw someone that reminded me of him. The funny thing was, it wasn't so much that he reminded me of him but that he was essentially the spitting image. Skinnier, maybe a little taller, but his hands were different. And it wasn't until after I had walked right passed him, freaked myself out for a minute waiting for the bus and get on to find that he feels the need to sit right next to me on the bus. Meanwhile I'm squished between my devil's lookalike and his very very large friend or classmate and they talking over me. The most uncomfortable situation I have ever found myself in to this day. I could barely look over at him for a while. The universe is just sending me some tough love I guess that wouldn't yet take me over the edge. But I fear the day it sends me something that does.

Suddenly feeling more alive and more complete as soon as I put my new fur on. What does this say about me? And why am I feeling like this? ..I wouldn't doubt if it were from some sort of a cat.

X

"It's like you're screaming, and no one can hear
You almost feel ashamed
That someone could be that important
That without them, you feel like nothing
No one will ever understand how much it hurts
You feel hopeless; like nothing can save you
And when it's over, and it's gone
You almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back
Just so that you could have the good."

The Sun & Stars. When you have to lie to your soul-mate that you're seeing someone, to see if they actually still care and love you, and you find out that they do in fact still love you, but for some reason you try to make them believe that you don't, even though they've been accusing you the past couple of weeks that you're still in love with them because they didn't want you to be anymore. You just have to stop. This is when I definitely realized that we just can't be together right now. And believe me when I say I'm dying inside because of it. I just can't be running in circles anymore. I pray the universe one day brings us back together, but not like before, healthier, happier, the best we've ever been. But just together. Forever. -The Moon