I need to stop listening to Lana Del Rey.

My apartment is turning into a cage of burning memories. Tearing me apart from the inside out.

My mom will never support me in any decision that I make based on my sanity & happiness. And that's fine, because it's my sanity, my happiness, and my life. Not hers.

I just don't know how to make friends anymore.

I missed a lot of really amazing opportunities last year because I was fucking around. Not this year. I just pray that I am once again blessed with those opportunities but with a stronger head on my shoulders.

First day back in therapy on Thursday and my therapist asks me if there's any help I can get for my RO, telling me, "surely, you can't have your rights taken away like that." I replied to her with, "surely, they denied me any rights at all when the police decided to file Joel's false accusation without further questioning."

It was a good meeting though.

I guess what baffles me about the whole situation is that I'm realizing that I've messed up, but still she gets so much support for constantly messing up her life. And I can't be apart of that. I'm trying to make it through life too, I can't be there dragging a grown adult through it as well. Wreaking havoc whenever she pleases just because she can. I can't be a baby sitter anymore. I've said my apologies. I just want to know why that if we're BOTH so depressed, why anyone thought this was a good idea to begin with? When times get tough, you see the true side of others. I may have a million and one family members, but they will have always alienated me my entire life because I was different. So alienate me some more because I'm doing what's right for me. I'm growing up and doing my time and that's all that matters.

It's hard to tell if I'm going crazy or if it's just the TL. But it's probably both.

Bettie Page was diagnosed with schizophrenia and placed in a state mental institution for 11 years because she stabbed three people and claimed afterwards that God had told her to stab them.

I worked too hard in this life to let anyone bring me down. Especially my mother.

I don't make poor decisions when I'm high; I make poor decisions when I'm drunk. When I'm high, I don't decisions.

Hence, why most days I only get drunk at home...and it's time to cut back.

Finally fulfilling my childhood dreams of being a blonde. Slowly but surely. This is my destiny. FTW.

I wish I had all the pills in the world to take them all at once to show the world what happens to people when they are put on medication in this day and age.

It's not that I fall in love easily, it's that I see parts of myself in other people, I feel sorry for them, and I want to help. I just want someone to love me back for never giving up on them, and I don't want them to give up on me either.

Sometimes I cry not because I'm sad, but because I realize I am happy.

To My Last Love. I don't miss you. I'm just sad that we can't talk anymore. You were the only one who knew you were hurting me, and I was just too weak let you go. And for that I love you. Not like I once did, but for being smart enough to realize you were just as broken as I was. I knew I was hurting you too, I just didn't care.

I should have gone to vet school.

This feels like waking up Saturday mornings, smoking a bowl, and waiting for you to come home from class and love me. You always did. This feels like freedom. Maybe we won't go back. Maybe we'll just keep going. I've got nothing left to lose.

I'd really like to go home, but I don't know where that is.

I cry because I have so much to tell the world, but nobody else ever wants to listen. It's only ever just a few people, but I'm grateful for them because I want them to be able to spread the word as well. But it will never spread because people are afraid to be happy, to fight for what they believe in. This just reminds me of history as I partake in these online classes for school. People of ancient civilizations developed religion and culture to appease their soul and their sanity because they knew they couldn't control the world and the forces around them. It ultimately was to satisfy their souls and keep them content in life. But tell me this, when did religion grow so hateful and exclusive? It was never meant to be that way.

I just can't help but believe I was put on this earth for something so much bigger and better for me, but I know I need to build myself up (in more ways than one; not only mentally, emotionally, physically but also build myself a giant, infamous career) so that others will listen too. I need to make myself larger than life for others to listen, it's just taking a while because we can't all be Lady Gaga's but there's no harm in trying.

When listening to The Dark Tower Series doesn't remind me of you. Watched a beautiful film tonight called 'A Midnight In Paris' and I couldn't relate any more to it. In fact, I completely related to it. The whole idea of we turn to other eras in time to escape the realties of ours. And I couldn't also connect more to the lovely Maila Nurmi aka Vampira. In the words of the one and only,

"Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean where ever you are I love you - I always have and I always will." Sarah.