I know I'm only 19, but I feel so fucking old.

To this day, no one has ever made me feel as beautiful when they look at me, as you do. But nothing's ever easy now, is it?

You (2010)

1. Speechless - Lady Gaga
2. A Place to Hide - White Lies
3. Gimme Danger - Iggy & the Stooges
4. Come What May - Moulin Rouge Soundtrack
5. Now That I Know - Devendra Banhart
6. Rough Hands - alexisonfire
7. Troubled Waters - Cat Power
8. Your Touch - Black Keys

I haven't soberly gotten into a fist fight since I was a little girl.

Tonight my cousin told me to watch out for older guys. But of course, I said. Boys will always be boys.

I need a bearded man to shower me with gifts and jack daniels in my life. Santa please!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I've always wanted to be in a western film. I think I'd like to produce my short over the summer. But we'll see. I am also very interested in seeing this movie.

"This heroine has got me by the soul. It's taken me to places Jesus wouldn't dare to go."

Sometimes I forget that Moose isn't around anymore. I miss him so much.

I'm in a really dark place right now, and believe me, I don't like it that you lighten it up.

My friend wants to help me draw up a tribute tattoo for Moose. I've got the idea of it and such, I just need the talent, and that's where Peter comes in. This could most likely be the most helpful thing next to actually being there for someone. And I've known this kid for about 2 months maybe. It's reassuring to know I'm not making anymore shitty friends.

Also, eventually I will get a bunch of cats and name them after beer. Like Yuengling, Stella, and Pabst.

All I wanted to do was to not be alone. Everyone will tell you that they're so damn sorry, but they're clearly not sorry enough to be there for you when you need them the most.

RIP Moose, My Little Man.
5/15/02-11/24/10

You were the best dog I could have ever asked for. My original partner in crime. I know you knew how much I loved you, and you loved me back unconditionally. Thank you. You were always the brightest star in my sky. I'm sorry I couldn't be there when times got tough, I hope you know I wanted to be. I never wanted it to end up this way, I'm sorry. I wish you could've seen what I have here now, you would love it, especially in LA. Please, be good in Heaven. No picking fights with the big dogs, or begging Lola to drop a slice of bread for you on the ground. Soak up some sun for me. I love you.

Bringing back the Western is a good choice.

My life feels like it's turning into one giant bad decision.

I really don't enjoy drinking. I like beer. And the like, until it turns good people into people I've never known before. I hate my life.

Man, my biggest challenge this week has been getting out of bed.

This video is the shit.

Have I really gotten to the point in my life where I meet the perfect man in my dreams that I feel the need to find him in real life. I had ever felt so certain he was real. He completed me. I know I don't need this, but I want it. I'm feeling too much like Bonnie without Clyde. It's just wrong. Bonnie never would have made it on her own. Hell, she didn't make it period. But when she was living it, she was having a blast. And right now, that's what I want. I need to have the time of my life, so I can go out with a bang.

I'd like to write a story about a man who becomes obsessed with a girl from his dreams. Everything she does, everyway she makes him feels. He grows obsessed with her, and goes on the look-out for just her. But..what next?

I forgot how to sleep.

I need to start working on my Halloween costume!

Today I had a conversation with one of the people I've known the longest, still talk to, and still pretty okay with.

And I was about to go on the whole spiel about how me having a crush and then some on my screenwriting professor was completely wrong/immoral/unhealthy/everything that catholic schools teaches you is bad. But it's not. I've been thinking a lot more than I do lately. Writing. Being able to be me. I can deny and deny, pretend it's not there, act like it shouldn't be happening, but it won't make it stop. I'm scared, but who isn't? All I know is that it's clear that he enjoys what I have to say, and is in a bad mood in class when I'm in a bad mood. Whatever that means.

Oh, and Mom is never going to be happy with anyone I date. Really though. But that's old news.

Ahah, my life is a joke.

I must admit, it's a lot harder to make friends here than it was at state, especially girlfriends. But I'm thankful for the 3 that I do have. Including my gay.

Don't think. Do. Do, and create.

My horoscope told me to stop being afraid of falling in love everyday.

Within the next few paychecks, I need:

1. Canon Point & Shoot (I'm thinking the under-water because it's snazzy)
2. Samsung Fascinate or Droid Incredible

Not too bad, no?

I constantly remind myself to take it easy. No one else can handle me, so I have to be able to handle myself.

I think I've found a pretty solid safe zone.



And you know what else? I've always dreamt about living in the city, and meeting some handsome fellow on the subway, a little eye-contact, smiles of acknowledgement. You know, cute, movie-type stuff. And well, it happened, and something else probably would have happened if I had been 21. Damn myself for being all shy with someone I'm attracted to. It doesn't happen very often, especially not now, but when it does I get nervous. Because I get nervous, it makes me even more nervous, but I keep my cool. And try not to seem like a bitch. Sigh. It was so cute how it happened too. Just got out of eating dinner with my gay, trying to meet up with the bestie after work, we're having a blast, okay. Then a very masculinely feminine woman tells my gay, "Your girl is beautiful, by the way!" And he looks at me and says, "I wanted to be like, 'honey, do you think I fux wit chicks?'" Love him, lolz. Just had to write that out too, this was a good day for me. So anyway, meeting the bestie at the Bart, we're on the train, we're telling her what happens, and my gay is loud. If he's anywhere near you, you know it. So we're talking, having a blast, and this man walks on, and sits sort of across from me. Naturally, I just glance over and I'm like, "Oh, dang," Cordell sees that I do this and he's like, "Mm, not bad" But I'm all smiley, and the guy hears I suppose, and here's our conversations after, and just smiles and throwing glances back over at me every once in a while, but I'm too nervous to look at him by this point. We get off at the same stop as this man, and we engage in a little more small talk. By the time we're about to walk out, the security seems whack, and I figured it would be a good start to a conversation, so I walk over behind this man as he's refilling his card. He knows we were scoping out the place to hop, and he says to me, "Yeah, this place is pretty difficult to hop." And we're talking, yeah, awesome. He invites us to his show, but then asks us if we're 21 because they're playing at a bar. But neither of us are, goddammit, and I don't know why I didn't stay and talk more, but I missed my chance. And he was handsome. I will forever be wondering if I will ever see his face again, what instrument he plays, what he enjoys and doesn't enjoy. But who knows? Maybe. Hopefully, I'll run into him again one day. Then I got super trashed after and regretted it. Not really, I just don't think I can drink four loko's ever again.

Ask anyone, I was never one of those people who even remotely enjoyed 311, but I like this song.

Experimenting with falsies and lighting.

You're the reason I'm travelin' on..













And I will leave you with this last clip, and this last thought.


I don't know who's song this originally is, but it is one of my favorites. Bob's though, I think.

I wish I didn't remember what today was. Just like you did to me, remember?

Not that it happens often, but when people ask me if I'm dating a close friend or somehow make it seem as if they like me I freeze up and get really angry. Ugh, I don't know. I just get mad when people "like" me as in have crushes on me or some sort. I wish people didn't have emotions or were able to have feelings for each other. Most animals don't, so why do we?

I don't think like normal human beings.

I've come to the conclusion that whether I like it or not, I'm probably going to end up with a military man, if not some yuppie scumbag. I just can't settle for less. I'm picky, and I have the right to be, so fuck you. And if I don't find my Mister Right, then fuck it. Because then nobody deserves me.


Pep talk/alter-ego speaking. This is how I should feel everyday, but not bitchy. And I do feel like this everyday, because yes, I'm single, but I'm NOT looking.



There are only love songs about girls because girls don't care enough to write songs about assholes.

I've been meaning to do this for a long ass time.

Damn. I've lived in a lot of different places. Still trying to find what feels more right.

Tonight, I stayed up and thought about us. This is the first that I've done so in quite some time.

I need an intervention. School, school, school, school, school.

The more and more I take time to look at things, the more wrong everything looks. So I just stop looking.

I get home, lie in bed, and make myself believe that I'd just been half-way across the world because it feels like it. Then I think to myself, "what the fuck am I doing?"

Continuing my journey of finding this girl. Sometimes days go by and I don't know where I've been. I'm here still, just lost.

My first assignment is to create three characters, figure out their strengths and weaknesses, their faults, everything. Dive into the depths of their inner most soul. Hm.

Been thinking a lot about youknowwho. I say "youknowwho" but you wouldn't really know who he was, because I just met him. And it's awful. I haven't felt this way since the first time I laid eyes on the actual youknowwho. I've spent a grand total of 4 hours with him, and I don't want to feel this way, but I do. I don't know why. I wanted to pretend I was joking when we left and I told Mary that I was in love with him, but I wasn't. But I'm moving, so...oh well. Hah, the one time I do care, I shouldn't.


Aaaand he's married. Officially giving up on relationships and getting married. Good-bye, love-life..

So I move tomorrow. Not as far as I did last year, but still pretty far. I finished packing about half an hour ago and I don't think it hit me 'til just then.

My sister showed me this today. And I'm in love. First project of my editing class: I'd like to make a music video of this of different people of the city of San Francisco singing this. Sounds good, no?



I think if anyone ever told me to never get a tattoo ever again then well..I'd be upset. I could sit in that damn chair for hours and hours on end with a smile on my face and I would be in heaven. I sort of also fell in love with the man that did this to me. Hm.

Weird week, numb but not at all. I don't know how to feel about anything. Bye.

I can't sign into to the Student page at AAU. Although, I did call the Victoria's Secret on Powell St and all I have to do is get Rosslyn to call the manager there to get my transfer set up. Luckily for me, the Powell St store is a 4 minute walk (according to google maps) from my dorm. And I did find out that my acting class is friday afternoon, and my writing class is on saturday. I'm already stressed out. But as of now, I have classes only on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. And that is one class each day. Trying to change my schedule around a little bit, but we'll see. I'd rather have all my classes on like 3 days, then spread out. But we'll see. Maybe this will be better so I don't end up staying in all day on the days I don't have classes. We'll see.

This is the time you need to be listening to your friends and trusting their word over yours. Obviously, your judgement is misconstrued. I wouldn't trust me, if I were you.

Today, I'm start saving for my new tattoo. Now all I need to do is get some estimates or look up shops in SF. I dunno, I don't like the idea of having just one artist. That's dumb. But also, I'm on the hunt for a faux fur vest or coat, a new purse, and some new jeans.

I think people that "forget" that they were a dumbass back then will probably be surprised to realize that even today, they're still a dumbass. It's humbling when people say, "yeah, I messed up a lot back in the day" or "man, I was such a loser back then" or even "damn, I used to dress like a fucking idiot." Nobody's perfect. Especially not as a teenager. So please stop acting like you know what's up, especially since you're still some washed up drunkie kickin' it in NoVA. But I mean, what do I know? I currently live in Los Angeles, and I'm getting ready to kick-start my career in San Francisco. Wait, what? It just erks me when people always love flocking to really terrible people. I feel like people should have given up on her a long time ago.

I've got a growing and increasingly expanding love for all things steampunk. Just sayin'.

On another note, the marketting for Let Me In it awful. First of all, there's barely any, and what I do see of it, completely misses the plot and misconstrues the audience into thinking it's a lot more messed up than it really is. I've never read the book, but the Swedish film was absolutely superb in story telling, and from what I've heard, it's a lot more true to the text than is the American film. I just think it's really bizarre how they found kids, American kids, that look exactly like the Swedish kids. Oh, and Jack's son is in it. As the bully, but he doesn't count as looking as one of the Swedish kids. He's just little Jack Shepherd.

A person can only hold on for so long. And it sucks that I didn't realize how bad you are for me until now.

Whatarewedoingwhatarewedoingwhatarewedoingwhatarewedoing.

The only thing I can really think about doing right now is taking it day by day. I just hate it because I know if we weren't under these same circumstances, then we wouldn't be here right now.

Maybe we should stop speaking to each other.

I was always a bigger fan of Huxley's work. Just sayin'.

Apparently, crazy couples that love each other and love to abuse each other is the new thing. We always did happen to start new trends.

Ep. 31: Postmortem - An Undying Love

My best friends hate my ex.
My ex hates my best friends.
And me? Well, I hate all of them.

It seems like every day I have less and less reasons to go home.

Operation: Seclusion starts monday. And I can't wait. It sucks that it's times like these all I want to do is be myself. I wish I killed you when I had the chance.

I want to go. I need to see you. I can't do this on my own.

I mean..I can. I just, feeling you right now would feel so much better than not feeling you at all.

Who's perfect? Nobody. We all make mistakes.

I'm sure we're a lot like each other now than we ever thought. More than we'd ever imagined. Maybe you're just a lot more like me, now.

Is it weird that when I want children, I just want to send them into the world and let them do as they please? I hate being tied down, and the fact that the bane of their existence is the only thing standing between myself and my freedom kills me. But it's the same for them. So I think it's possible. I mean, Madonna did that pretty much. Didn't she? And Lourdes turned out fine...

Some times I just want so badly to be a mother. And then I think about it, and then I think to myself, "I'd rather not."

It's just like how when I get married, I don't think I will take the last name of my husband. Maybe a hyphenated version, maybe. But, no. That's not me.

I just want pets. Dogs and cats. Pets.

It's been difficult to record here because every time I start howling, so does Kino. Or he starts barking at the Mexicans cleaning the street outside of our window.

I hate giving break-up advice because I've gotten so damn good at it. No one should be good at it. I don't know. I hate seeing or hearing my friend's cry. I hate seeing anyone cry.

I think I should just about give up on talking to people about my future for the 4 years of my life. It seems like every time I get myself figured out and come up with a game plan, it all goes straight to hell. I never imagined myself to be so lost and so unsure about everything. Sometimes I blame you for making me come up with this ridiculous idea that well, I like animals, a lot, and since you have no future, well, I might as well try to support our family. But right after I pay all of my vet school bills. Maybe I should just go back home and study to be a vet tech. I'd be making good money for my age, and sort of doing something that I like doing. Perhaps I could always just go back to school afterwards. If I wanted to. I just feel like I wasn't ready for college. Not that soon after my entire world collapsing. Now? I'm fine now. I just fucked up so bad, it's like there's no way to fix it. Nobody gives a fuck about "how well" I did in high school, which was pretty damn good once you took a look at my class and predecessors.

I don't give a fuck about what anybody says. I didn't give up on school until I came to college. High school was a breeze.

One day, I will be traveling the world so much people will forget where I am.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if none of that ever happened. We'd probably be married by now. Or at least engaged. Unhappy, maybe. We probably wouldn't even see each other much. Or we would. I don't know. It all seems so long ago now.

There's this boy I met a really long time ago, when school was still in. He writes for the Koala. We haven't talked in forever, but the other day he left me a message. And I could've sworn it was you playing a joke on me. Not even really playing a joke on me, just telling me that your name was something else. I'm at the worst possible point in my life right now. I hope you realize why. This weekend all I want to do is forget and meet someone new.

Machete Trailer

There's something about a woman wearing an eye-patch...

Somewhere it's morning.

Sometimes, well, especially recently since my hair is always curled, I wish I had a poodle. But a toy poodle. Purebred. I've always wanted one, which is silly to think since well, I love pit bulls and french mastiffs. Mean looking dogs. Not poodles. I'd name her something like Duchess or Roxy. But I should probably consider buying a pair of falsies or at least my new phone first.

We never see Betty Draper do her hair. I'd love to know.

***She goes to a salon. Bitch.

I always get myself into really bad situations.

What is my favorite song by Morrissey and/or The Smiths?

As the old saying goes, your pin-up tattoo is the one woman who will never leave you.

I miss being noticed for my work. I miss nauseating people and making them gag at the body and blood that I created. It makes me feel like a god. Surely, you must know how I'm feeling. Having someone emit some sort of emotion or energy from something you yourself created. With your own two hands. Bare. It makes me wonder though. About God? If there is a god, perhaps he isn't here to save us, or to teach us. Perhaps, he's just there to admire his work, just like so many of us are. Or perhaps he's just here to see how he can improve us. Well, the future 'us.' Us as in the human race, of course. Or maybe even the entire universe.

Men get so angry when a girl wants to have her cake and eat it too. I don't know why though. Men do it all the time.

I suppose you're probably wondering what type of thoughts would be running through the mind of a girl like this. Yeah, it baffles me too sometimes.

I have to be up in four and a half hours. Fuck.

Sometimes I miss everyone from back home. But most of the time I just forget that they exist. :\

Love is bourgeois.

I could run you over, kill your family, make you watch, and I still wouldn't be satisfied.

But it's kind of cute how ashamed you get when you realize how low you've stooped. No regrets right? Especially getting a bitch knocked-up and potentially getting kicked out of the force because of a certain venereal disease you could have contracted last week. I know, I know, it's fun.

I've never actually woken up not remembering who or where I was until just now. And it seems the more I try to figure things out, I don't like it one bit.

Ready to go home. Or at least be away from here. I'm sick of these phoney people and their lies. Not like I'm any better, or like anyone from Nova is any better. But at least I'll be able to breathe.

And so I will wait.

Something will happen.

It always does.

[Line omitted]

I hate getting tests done because they always tell me that I'm fine or that I'm normal. But I don't feel normal, and I don't feel fine.

It's sort of funny how the minute one part of my life starts looking good and looks like it's shaping up, the other part goes straight to the gutter. There's no winning at all. I can't ask for both. If I have one, I can kiss the other good-bye. I hate it.

And just a quick question. How come all the real families on tv and in film show despise for in-laws? Do you get it? It's as if that's the only way to go on living. You get married or anything, and you move far far away from your parents. Pretty much elope. That's how it should have been in the first place.

God, you'd think Mom would want me to come home. Even more of a reason why I believe she's full of shit. Just like everyone else.

There's no question to why Norman Jean Roy is one of the top photographers in the business. Frequently taking pictures for magazines such as Vogue, Harper's Bazaar, Rolling Stone, and Details, he's probably one of my favorites. Not because he gets published in all this sophisticated magazines, but because he does and it's because he's talented. He's got a knack for creating something that's already been created and making it his own, which is, what I've learned, leads to success.





He's so bizarrely imaginative yet so real at the same time, you almost have to do a double take to see if what you're seeing is the real thing. It's funny to think that these are from today as opposed to from the 1960s or earlier. Not that Javier Bardem could ever pass as Jimmy Stewart and Scarlett for Grace. But he does a pretty damn good job.

After Escher: Gulf Sky and Water

My neighbor's dog died the other day. One of my favorite little guys running around here, even though he was too old to play around with the pups. He was a 14 year old version of Moose. I always wondered what Moose would be like when he got older, and seeing him made me feel like I was actually seeing an old Moose. It seems almost as if it's taking a toll on the whole building. But it'll be all right. Rest in Peace, little Pilot.

A friend of mine asked, "Every time I look at you/think about you now, I can't help but laugh. I can't imagine what it would be like to live the way you do. How is it that you can look in the mirror each day and not be disgusted with yourself? blows my mind."

Not about me, of course. But It's funny, because I could say the same thing about someone else. Not her though, of course. :)

I don't mean to be lazy or anything, or seem it. But I really do hate doing my own hair. Mostly because I can't. Haha.

"Nothing says ‘I love you’ more than a cup of freshly drawn blood. It’s very sweet.”

Been obsessing of skin-toned clothing, shoes, nail polish, and hair. I want it all.

My coworker Brian adores me. We share make-up tips, and he tells me he loves my face. He's quite a doll.

Oh! And in exchange for a plastic fork and change in quarters, the bartender at The Wave likes to tell me I'm beautiful. Apparently, people like my nose. How silly, it is though. Really, I feel like my nose is one of my far less pleasing features. Ah, but alas. A compliment is a compliment. Sorry, I couldn't legally accept your drinks on the house, but thank you for offering. And asking how old I was.

I really hate how when you take pictures on facebook it flips the image. It makes me feel like I'm posting phony pictures of myself. No, that shit ain't me sorry. That's my clone. Just some look alike. I don't know. How weird. On another note, I'm getting extremely into Breaking Bad. But I was bound to, of course. That's like asking anyone from Fairfax, if they watched Weeds.

Personally, I just fell in love with the idea of smashing your asshole, crackhead of a husband's head with an ATM machine for simply calling you a whore. Seems like something I would do, aside from the crystal and the tar. Oh and the idea of decapitating a man and putting his head on a desert tortoise because they call him "Tortuga." The writers and creators really think out of the box with this one. Makes me wish I hadn't let chemistry kick me in the ass. But oh well. I never would have made it as a veterinarian let alone a neurosurgeon. God, one day I will have a collection of brains bottled up in jars full of formaldehyde in my Bat Cave. As well as vintage taxidermy.



Aw, how cute. It almost looks like Kino!

Dog park, heels, boots, jeans, good hair, good make-up, american apparel factory outlet, oversize sweaters, nude leotards, from downtown to the valley. I'll been all over LA and back today. And the greatest thing was that I haven't worn a bra all day! Oh, and I finally got ice cream.

You know, thinking about it, It's been a while since I've...well, laughed really. Some of the girls at work will try to talk to me, and maybe that's why people gossip. But they'll try to talk to me, and they'll say something that they think is really funny, and I just kind of try to awkwardly fake my laugh or pretend I didn't hear them. It's just sort of impossible really. I mean, unless its scripted or from a movie or something. Sure, I'll get a chuckle or two in there. But it's more of a "HA" than anything else. A sound illustrating entertainment or being entertained. I couldn't bring myself to finish reading the JD Salinger pick because I couldn't help but feel sorry for him about how sad and pathetic and depressed he is. If you notice, I will pick out things in anything that remind me of myself, and I will hate them. It's always something that I've done, ever since I was little. Ever since I can remember really. But I saw too much of myself in him especially as of right now, in my current "state." It is a full moon after all. I'll try to keep reading, but it's so difficult because it's almost as if ever sentence he just talks about feeling so lousy and depressed, thinking back on his girl that he missed out on. I'm sure there's a real coming of age ending, but I don't know. I'll finish it though. Eventually.

Eddie Valiant: Seriously, what do you see in that guy?
Jessica Rabbit: He makes me laugh.

Cool, I'm finally coming clean about how much I hate my life. And I hate it even more. Looks like it's the looney bin for me, kids! Or the zoo!

It's such a turn off when really beautiful, attractive people are douches. I know a man like that back home, but he's best friends with the devil or my savior, which ever you want to call it. They're a hot mess to say the least. And for that, I want them.



Praying for a productive day that includes tanning, running, and creating.

There is one more thing I hate more than liars, and that is a disloyal friend. You talk it up, hang out all the time, make it seem like you guys are best friends. And as soon as one little thing happens that doesn't affect your relationship with them at all, you bail. What the fuck. Seriously.

I don't understand. What the fuck did I do to deserve something like this?

How terrifyingly accurate.


TAURUS



Your element: Earth
Your ruling planets: Venus
Symbol: The Bull
Your stone: Emerald
Life Pursuit: Emotional and financial security
Vibration: Determined energy
Taurus Secret Desire: To have a secure, happy and wealthy life/marriage.


Description:
Underneath their cool, calm and collected exterior, Taureans differ greatly from all the other signs of the zodiac. Taureans manage to discreetly stay apart from the crowd, even though they have a well-earned reputation for being socialisers. They will let others get close, but only so close as they want them. Some claim that trying to get your point across to a Taurean, should they not want to hear you, is rather similar to talking to the trees – they simply won't budge. And, there is no such thing as an open-book Taurean. Their feelings, fears and desires often run far deeper than anyone around them would guess. Like the butterfly that chooses to remain hidden in its cocoon until it is ready and prepared to emerge, so the true Taurean spirit remains hidden behind a veneer of day-to-day activities. That's why Taureans are sometimes regarded as snobby, withdrawn, boring, or even sulky.

The truth is, when Taureans manage to operate very adequately on their own form of automatic pilot, they can switch off from the world around them very efficiently. And when they do switch off, they are actually gathering in their inner reserves to deal with the outside pressures. This sign is also very closely connected to 'feeling good'. Most Taureans like their creature comforts and hate change because it takes them out of their automatic pilot condition of separating themselves from the world around them.

Because they hate to be put in jeopardy of any kind, this is the sign that strives to create tomorrow in advance, rather than leave it to fate. In love, Taureans are regarded as extremely sensual beings. An earth sign, they deal well with the personal, physical senses and consequently all the pleasures associated with what they can see, touch, smell and taste, add up to a special delight to them. Often nature and pet lovers, Taureans are closely associated with all things off the earth and nature

I want to go back to Nova. To see my dog, my family and my friends. To feel humidity like I've never felt it before. Then how come whenever I get half way there I get second thoughts, cold feet, and try to convince myself that I don't need to see any of those people. There is no life that I hate more (and I hate a lot of people) than my own.

All I want is to see my puppy.

My biggest addiction so far is for getting some more ink done. I'd forego any cigarette, drink, coffee, clothes, shoes, hair extensions, hair cut, hair color, food for another. Which I am currently doing. I'm dying. I want to rip my insides out, scream, and kill a baby. I've never felt this awful and anxious in my entire life.

"Man is the cruelest animal."

-Frederich Nietzsche

I want, I want my octopus tattoo.

If all people had a moral sense of the impoverished, there'd be no such thing as republicans. Just saying.

I miss my really long, beautiful, thick, red hair. Sigh. Too bad it was such a pain in the ass. Oh well.

Little boy.

I hate how when you call, you always speak to me like we haven't spoken in months when really it's only been maybe two days. It's almost as if in those two days that we don't speak, you expect me to have changed. But then it doesn't make sense because every time I'm home, you tell me that it's as if I never left.

Speaking of waiting, death couldn't tear us apart. I mean, I'd call this a curse. Wouldn't you?

Notice the beast next to me.

So much for this morning's planned activities. Fell asleep around 8AM, woke up officially at 12PM. Didn't go for a run. I am not wearing bright make-up, or nice clothes. In fact, I'm still in my pajamas. I feel awful. And my mom woke me up to ask, "Why are you sleeping so much, are you on drugs?" No, of couse not, Mom. Because if I were on drugs, I wouldn't waste it sleeping. No, I'm not on drugs. I don't know where she thinks I have the money to buy drugs. Seriously. Ugh. Shitty motherfucking night/morning/past 24 hours. I want to just curl up with a case and die.

Yeah, I know.

Tomorrow I will run. And wear colors, bright colors, that most likely do not involve pink. And pick up today's lunch that I left at work. Oh! And flip-flops after I run. We'll see how I'm feeling in the morning.

At work, I am the phoniest person you have ever met. But I'm good at it. I'm just super fuckin' phony. But I'm damn good at my job. Today during my break, my coworker and I were headed across the street to grab a cup of coffee. While we were in the elevator, we just screamed profanities at the top of our lungs, and we just felt so much better. It's strange. I just met this girl, we trained together, and everyone either thinks we're related or best friends. She's cool, I like her. Pretty much in the same boat as me, but she's a good kid.

I wish idiots wouldn't tell me who I should date. Especially if they live on the opposite side of the country. You are the dumbest person I have ever met in my life. And I've met some pretty stupid people.

Home. Let me come home. Home is wherever I'm with you.

"I think if you don't really like a girl, you shouldn't horse around with her at all, and if you do like her, then you're supposed to like her face, and if you like her face, you ought to be careful about doing crumby stuff to it, like squirting water all over it. It's really too bad that so much crumby stuff is a lot of fun sometimes."

-J.D. Salinger (Catcher in the Rye)

But I suppose until then, I'm snuggling up with a little bear, some tea, and Catcher in the Rye. Oh yes, and chocolate chip, walnut, raisin, oatmeal cookies! So far my book list is.....

In Cold Blood by Truman Capote
Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
Dracula by Bram Stoker
Gigi by Colette
Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson
More Tennessee Williams
Wise Blood by Flannery O'Connor (and then some)
Sanctuary by William Faulkner
A Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway
Tender is the Night by F. Scott Fitzgerald

And I think that's it for now. We'll see what happens.

How come writer's don't write like they used to? Nowadays it seems like fiction books are only written in hopes of them being turned into a movie, thus making the directors and such do all the work. What happened to all the great metaphors and sensory imagery? All the things we learned in school? I feel like that's why I hate reading now. I have high expectations for books and I never quite find a book that meets my expectations, so I just stop reading. When will I ever be able to find another Great Gatsby or even where can I find a writer who is even remotely comparable to the like of William Faulkner? Never and no one. Really. If you know of anything, please let me know, I'm desperate.

My first love was in the Force too, you know.

Despite how much I hated and still do hate being "home," there are definitely times where I wish the people and reasons that kept me sane there were here with me in LA right now. Or at least in California.

One day I'll go here, take a picture of my lock and then send it to you. Maybe then you'll realize.



“Seoul (Namsan) Tower, Korea—People write the name of their love on a lock,
lock it on the fence and throw the key off the edge.”

Love Locks

She had a temper that came close to insanity, she had a temper that some call insanity.

It's alive.



"What is the victory is a cat on a hot tin roof?" "Just stayin' on it, I guess. 'Long as she can."

It is way too often that I feel like I am Maggie the Cat.

My sister is basically already doing what she loves, doing her dream. What the fuck am I doing?

Hahah remember these guys? Well, I was driving around the Valley the other day when the girls plus Tyler came up, and apparently Avenged Sevenfold has a new song. It wasn't bad, more similar to City of Evil shit, I think. I sort of loved and hated their last album so much at the same time, I have no idea what I'll think of it. But I'll give it a shot. It just makes me laugh because you always acted like they were so lame when they came out with their last album, how "America" they went, but look at you. I'm sure all your wanna-be meatheads in the force all listen to this shit. Ass. But I miss when Chris would come over and I would just sit there and watch you guys play, and when you couldn't get one part I would just hum the rest of it. Silly. Those were the days.

Good-bye nose hoops. Sorry I had to succumb to the devil that is corporate industry. See you soon.

ps. been thinking about getting my septum pierced, but we'll see.

Maybe I will just chop off all of my hair.

There's something about new country that I just cannot stand. It's got a certain lackluster to it. All the singers sound the same, and that's really the only way you can differentiate the singers. So all in all, you really can't. All the male country singers sing the same as the other male country singers, and all the female country singers sing the same as other female country singers. And this is why I can only listen to old country music. Really anything before 1980. It was at it's height then, and it'll never be that way again. Sorry country fans, they're just clearly not doing something right. Why do you think everyone is embarrassed to say they like it? And the only ones that aren't are just straight up white trash. But seriously.

The Cold Mountain soundtrack is amazing though. But that's mostly because it's all traditional music they would have played in the Civil War era. Which is my favorite at the moment.

Man, I really feel like watching this now. Too good.

I just keep admiring the look on Dolly's face. The song is so sad, but she just looks pissed. I'm sure she really never had to worry about a thing. And this riff is amazing.

Because this version is way better than the original. Suck it.

Have you ever tried to build something using an electric screwdriver, so you touch the screw to steady and straighten it, press the button so it goes in a little, but it feels kind of jammed or stuck, so you touch the screw again instead of just looking at it and you find that it isn't cooler than room temperature anymore, and it's burned it's imprint into your fingers? I'm not quite sure where I was going with this. Perhaps metaphorically getting hurt by something that's supposed to make a positive impact in your life, after all you are building or creating something and all it's doing is hurting you. Or maybe it's that you've got to get hurt first before you reach your goal which essentially is happiness and probably even success.

The key to happiness is the perfect bra. But really. And I found it.

I wish you weren't so afraid to tell me I'm beautiful. You never used to have a problem with it. And then now every time you tell me that I am, "really pretty" I just feel like you're telling me I'm ugly. But we'll talk later.

Today was my first actual day on the floor. Not too bad. I'm outgoing enough to not hate talking to people. It's just difficult to remember to when you're trying to fold and sort out 50 lace g-strings with security magnets that weigh more than them, while you're watching people blow up and destroy everything else you folded, and your seemingly most comfortable pair of pumps are eating away at your feet. Oh, and I still hate my boss, but everyone else I've met so far is really nice.

ps. apparently I'm a PINK girl. Who knew?

I feel like after today I'm really going to miss coming home from work covered in blood and feces.

I did my hair today. Maybe I will do it again tomorrow.

The birds hear are known for repeating the noises of car alarms.

Today, I went walking around Melrose. I see this man about to cross the street coming towards me and for some reason, he just stood out to me. Not even Jay Leno could distract me. But really. I mean, he had a pretty nice SLR, sleeves, your typical California boy, you know? He walks up to me and says, "You're beautiful, can I photograph you?" I was shocked. People in Los Angeles aren't normal. And this was certainly atypical. We spoke a little bit and then he asked me again, "Would you mind if I photographed you?" I just shrugged and said, well, hey, it's art, so sure.

I don't know what shirt I'm wearing, but I just found this picture today. Moose sort of looks like a piglet, or a weird cartoon.

I bet you didn't know that this was the best thing to come out of the past 3 years of my life.

See more funny videos and Cute Animals Videos at Today's Big Thing.

Mi hijito. My son. And Kino.

I make bad decisions every day. See, I just made a sandwich. Tell me what time it is.

I feel like I look for the wrong things in a relationship. I like the bad parts because it keeps things interesting.

I feel like reading Harry Potter, maybe now is a good time to start the last book since I don't have a job yet.

Thinking about turning my little cubby under the stairs into studio space. It's small, but it's kind of like recording in a bathroom? With less reverb? A lot less. But I need a new guitar first. And a keyboard. And recording equipment....Jesus, by the time I have all of this I'll already be living on my own. Oh well.

You're like an old piece of furniture that I like to keep around for sentimental value, but you really have no place in my home right now. So I can either put you up in the attic, throw you out, sell you, or just keep you there until you rot. I think I'm going with the latter. You're already starting to mold.

And this was a pretty good analogy. Usually my metaphors and such are shit.

I always get this weird look on my face when I sight-read.

And sometimes at night I hear glass shattering, but I just say to myself, "It's all in your head."

Hm. And to think I almost hopped on a plane tonight just to chop you up and scarf down your remains for next week's breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Maybe not this time, but I will. :)

Some people are so stupid, devoting their entire lives to love. Every dinner, every dollar spent just in case you might coincidentally end up taking your Mister or Misses Right on a date. What ever happened to true love comes to those who wait?

It just seems silly trying to chase a thing like that. It's like saying, "Oh, I'm just looking for Bigfoot."

Looking for inspiration. Now all I need are a set o' tits, and a bottle of peroxide.

I should find a producer.

All I had to eat today was half a bowl of cereal, half a cup of coffee, and half a peanut butter & banana sandwich.
And I felt obscenely full. Good work, chick.

Boy, your touches leave me mystified
And I wish I could believe in you

Tip for many people who seem to not understand the way I work:

If you lie to me at any point, especially when we first start talking, I will never EVER trust you or believe any word that comes out of your mouth. So stop trying.

You're not apart of my life, so what makes you think you have any say in what I do with it?

Trust is like a mirror. You can fix it if its broke, but you can still see the crack in that motherfucker's reflection.

I'm feeling. Feeling way more than I want to feel. Scared, nostalgic, homesick, confused, angry, betrayed, tired. So tired.

It would be nice to start over again.

We always thought we were bigger and better than the rest of the world.

This distance gave us the freedom to do whatever we want.

This girl is so scenetastic. And she totally raided my closet of school clothes. So poppy and covered in ink. Weird.

Is it weird to think that this is what it should have been like when we were together? I always wanted us to be like this. It just sucks that I had to move 3000 miles away from you to achieve it. This is always what I wanted it to be like. Taboo or not. It's the only way for me. On the other hand, I'm sorry that you're giving him up. More than you know or understand to know or even care to understand to know. And I'm not sure if you asked, but I hate that none of your friends even offered. And I'm not sure if I believe you about how you said your mother asks about me because she thinks its good to keep in touch. That sounds like bullshit. It's just funny how near-death experiences really change a person. It kinda sucks, if you think about it. But maybe later you'll be changed too. And I hope that when you come back from being deployed, you do come aknockin' on my doorstep. I have this weird idea that when you leave, you wouldn't have to do anything you didn't want to do, like kill a person, and somehow you'll just be like Butch Cassidy or something. This amazing gunslinger, the best in the land, and he'd never killed a person until he got to, ironically, Bolivia. But that's showbiz, kid.

I've decided that when my time is up, I want the last thing I see to be the middle of nowhere in Arizona. With my gun collection and my dogs. No humans allowed, whatsoever. The people that live there are kinda, really dumb. Sorry, world. Aaand I just might become a Park Ranger.

And I've been seeing so many beautiful dogs lately. Ones that I had never EVER seen before in person in my life.

Like one of these.


And one of these.


I just about died when I saw both of them. Though it's hard to believe that the Dogue de Bordeaux would grow up to be breed standard. Because the Corso I saw was about 1 1/2 years old and his feet were more than double the Bordeaux's size. But who knows. Although, it was at one of those puppy mill stores after all.

I have a friend that I confide in as if she were the Virgin Mary.

I'm trying not to [get discouraged]. It just sucks, it's like everyone back home wants me to come back home because it's like, "well, i'm stuck here, so you should be stuck here too!" I feel like I have absolutely no support from anyone back home, except for maybe my mom and she's here with me right now. Well, I have support from one you-know-who and that's not really someone I want/need support from. Ugh, and then I miss Moose. So that's one thing that would keep me sane, but its not like I can stay shut away in my house all day just chillin' with my dog..and then I don't even think my old job will take me back because my old manager left. So that's more reason to stay out here. I dunno. I just have a lot on my plate as you can see. I just don't want to go home and then be stuck at square one again, you know? Become the person I was way back during last summer. Hmm..breathe, Sarah, breathe.

I fell in love with Arizona. And I bet you didn't know that I love this song. Because I've got something that will knock all your pride aside.

Is it bad that I never want to get married because I feel like if I do it, I'll do it just to spite you? I don't miss you right now. Just the you feel when I'm in your arms.

But I think I hate you more.

The worst thing about venturing into your past is coming to the realization that the people you were once friends with genuinely do miss you. I can honestly say that everyone I got to see these past 3 days I've always held close to my heart. Sometimes I wish they could just come with me back home. Every single one of them. I will miss you all. More than you'll ever know.

And tell me now where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart

I feel like this distance is taking a toll on us. Not quite sure if it's for the better or worse.

Love that will not betray you, dismay or enslave you,
It will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be.


Maybe if I somehow find it again, it'll rid me of this animalistic psychosis. But until then, I suppose I'm cursed.

This is what has had me recently. The banjo got me sold. And the fact that it sounds like its from 1899. :)

All I want to do is smoke a big, fat bowl.

Of me.



Of me.