Last night in NoVa was a success. Spent it with people who actually cared about me and people who wanted to see me. Not with people who just And even though I didn't get to see everyone I wanted to see, they were most likely burning up my phone to see me. I feel bad that I didn't get to see everyone I wanted to see, but it's not like I'm leaving for good. Not yet at least. It wasn't a "good-bye." Well, it was, but more like a "good-bye for now." But it wasn't sad, which is good. It was how it's supposed to be. It was a good time with real people. That's sort of my new thing now. Reality. But it's good, you know? It's a shit ton better than surrounding yourself with people that only act like they like you because they have to, or people that only care about you because someone you know does. And I think it's safe to say that's what a whole lot of the 2 1/2 years of my life were. Plus, how much can someone really care about you if they choose to break up with you over the phone after that long and then they try to completely erase you from their life like nothing ever happened? They either don't care at all, or are too afraid to look into your eyes and tell you that they don't love you anymore. Neither of which I want in my life at any point.

I guess I missed you so much because I was so comfortable with you this past almost 3 years. That's all you really were to me. Maybe love goes hand in hand with comfort. And being miserable and on-edge constantly because it feels like your life has just fallen apart is not comfortable at all. So don't get me wrong, I was in love with you. Not at the beginning, but I learned to. And I learned to love you more when everything with Tom happened. But we should've ended things then. I'm not saying that I cheated, but we should have. We were both so young, and you were stupid to think that you could put me in a box away from the world and call me yours. We were stupid to think that we would never look or think about anyone else but each other. I mean, just the possibility of meeting other people that I could love more than I loved you and love me more than you did made me look around. I would think, "Wow, maybe a couple years from now I could meet somebody in this room down the road, and we fall madly in love with each other," or more than I thought you and I were. But anyway, even though that's when I realized that I was in love with you, I knew you would never trust me afterwards. But I mean, I never trusted you. And I still don't. And I stand beside every reason I have to not trust you. So then maybe love doesn't go hand in hand with comfort, or maybe it does, but just with trust in the mix. Because if it was just comfort, I've probably been in love with a lot of people, which I haven't. But then I don't know, because I know I was in love with you. I can't explain how or why, but I know that if I wasn't, then I wouldn't have reacted the way I did. We were stupid to not take our relationship day by day like we should have from the beginning. Like how I wanted it to be, but I guess somewhere in the frenzy of hormones that idea got lost. And I'm sorry, because we just caused ourself an entire 2 1/2 years a cocktail of happiness, tears, pain, and anger for no reason.

But anyway, in about 13 hours I will be on a Los Angeles, and then later to my new home in San Diego. I'm sorry we couldn't be friends, but that's no fault of mine.