"We'd look better when we're dead."

Today, my new shrink asked me where all my anger was. And I honestly didn't know..She said, "You should hate him so much; he betrayed you, made you believe all these things, and then turned his back on all of it." I don't know why, but this whole time, I haven't. I mean, I suppose I hate him for putting a little halt on my ideas for the future, but it's nothing I couldn't figure out on my own. I think that maybe I am just too in love with him to be that way.

And then later on, I was talking to Vicky and I was just thinking aloud, but I said, "I hate how all adults or older people think that kids around our age don't know what love it. I wonder why." And she said, "Well, yeah. I feel like this is the time where you know and don't know the most. This is the time where you're the most fragile, but still looking, and willing to look to find love." And even though I never looked to love Pablo, it found me, I think that is true. I was planning on spending the rest, or at least my entire life with him. I never cared that I could or couldn't find better. I never wanted better, I wanted him. And honest to god, I think I was in love with him. Otherwise why would it have gotten so serious or the months? Maybe he wasn't in love with me, but I think I do know that I am or was in love with him. I suppose that quote I mentioned before about how "It's better to love and lost, than to never have loved at all," I suppose it is true. What I shared with him was or at least to me felt like one in a billion. I know we fought, but I also know that when we didn't, I was the happiest I ever was with him. And I guess I am glad to say that I have experienced love, and that I wouldn't take it back for the world. I just don't think that I could or would even want to share it with anyone else. Is this soulmate talk? Who knows? Could be. But I know that what we had and what I shared with him, was real. And I guess in the next chapter of my life, I just want to find the rest of the parts that are. The things that are real.