Glad to know that I still want to kill myself every single day of the year. Merry fucking Christmas!

I just want to be able to say, "Merry Christmas, baby, I love you," again.

He doesn't know me, or anything about me, and I'm doing my best to keep it that way.

Maybe we don't have much to speak about, or much in common, and maybe he can't always keep my attention like you could, and maybe he's a couple years younger than you, and maybe his eyes aren't as blue as yours. But he isn't you. And he tells me that I'm beautiful and that I'm perfect every time we are together. And I like waking up next to him in the mornings. So fuck you. He also works harder than anything you could ever be capable of doing. And he's good at what he does.

Slept over Joel's again last night where I had a dream that you and I were talking again, and then I woke up and remembered where I was. Not with you, but with him. He's sweet. And young. And from Texas.

What a night.

Fucking hippies. This music video is terrible. But this song is psychedelically pretty awesome.

Academy Award Winner, Trent Reznor. It sounds so bizarre, but I knew he always had it in him. This song is amazing, by the way. Well-composed, written, produced, all of the above.

I also think it makes sense that the said Academy Award winner is married to a foxy, Filipino broad with a beautiful voice. It also makes sense that their project together would sound exactly like a recent Nine Inch Nails with a female singer. There is hope for me. Now I just need to find an Academy Award winning husband. Fair enough.

I'm not sure why I do the things that I do.

If you want to say goodbye to everything, I could say goodbye too.

This is the first time I've actually gotten to miss you since you went away.

"With all your lies, You're still very lovable."

"Tonight your ghost will ask my ghost, who put these bodies between us?"

And of course, after I write that last post guess who decides to call saying, "I don't even remember why I was mad at you..." and say that he wasn't ignoring me on purpose he was just "so busy." Save it.

I know I'm not perfect. I know this very well. I just want to find someone who is willing to not give up on me after only a few days. I guess I just got really confused when you told me you wanted to help me get straight. I confused you for someone who wanted to stay. And that's where I messed up. I know.

But now, that's over. I just want to know what you thought you did wrong. You spent all this time saying it was me, and my fault for being "pushy" and "needy." You told me I blamed everyone else. But I didn't blame anyone but myself, which is what I think you didn't understand. Yeah, maybe I blamed Pablo a little bit, but only because I didn't think it was his business to know anything about what we did. Which, it wasn't. Just like how it wasn't any of my business to ask what you guys would talk about when you would hang out, which is why I never did. It wasn't my business when you guys would hang out, just like it was never his business when we would. He was included in everything to the point where it wasn't like I was just talking to you, I was talking to him too. And he would ask me to talk to him because I wouldn't understand you, and I didn't think it was right. Which, it wasn't. But I did anyway, because I didn't know how you felt about me. You didn't even have to tell me how you felt. I just wanted an assurance (you know, prior to going insane with not knowing how you felt). I guess I just asked you things the wrong way, but you never asked for clarification because perhaps you thought I was just so sure of everything I was saying.

And so the other day, before Pablo officially stopped talking to me because you and I are no longer talking (which seems a little backwards, don't you think? But anyway), he asked me if I thought I wanted to re-commit myself, if I thought it would help me. Which, I also thought was none of his business, but because I'd known him for so long and we'd been through so much together (which was also my mistake again, because he's clearly not doing the same thing. He just wanted me to stop talking to his friend.) I ignored that fact, and I told him, "yes and no." I told him that because if I know if I were to do so, I would be in there for good. There would be no life for me outside of the hospital. Because I was such a mess last time after I came out, if I were in there any longer, I would kiss-goodbye everything it was to be human. When I was finally discharged, I had completely forgotten what it was like to communicate. I couldn't talk to anyone, not even my Mom or Rommel. Nothing short of a 3 word phrase left my lips. It wasn't that I didn't want to talk, because I did, that was all I wanted to do. But I couldn't. I had forgotten what it was even like. The films we had, on vhs of course, were the only things that loosely kept me close to realty. And the news as well, mainly with current events such as bombings in the middle east and gas leaks in old homes. But it was so muting that I had to learn to tune it out. I've never been diagnosed with autism or anything related to that in my life, but from what I've gathered, it seemed it was very fitting metaphor to my situation. Perhaps no more a metaphor than it was a fact. I was numb, I was hyped up on dozens of antidepressants, sleeping pills, anxiety medication, and well, all that. All so I wouldn't be sad anymore. It took me a while to even remember words I would constantly use. I didn't remember what they were, or what they meant. My brain was a blank canvas. And then at that point, I just wanted to feel something again. Not too much, but just enough so I would remember what it was like to be human again. Of course it got blown out of proportion because I got worse. The drugs came back, and slowly but surely, there I was, feeling somewhat normal. Disoriented, but still, somewhat normal.

Two months later, I'm talking to you, and for some reason you thought it was clever to tell me that if I ever needed help with ditching the drugs, you would help. And at first, I wanted it. I didn't want this life. With anyone else I would and still usually feel awkward or misplaced, like I'd rather just stay home with my dog than be a crazy mess ie, from downer to wild party animal/booze killer (the latter was of course the one most people saw and loved, so it had always been so easy for me to just get drunk.). I didn't want this life, I didn't want to live how I do, but now I do. I'm weak. But here, I had met someone who was everything I could've ever wanted, and I figured that if you wanted to help me, then not all hope was lost. You didn't even know me. You were probably just being friendly. You were just the only person who ever asked. I figured you saw something in me, something that made even you realize that the drugs weren't for me, and that I deserved better for myself because I was just killing myself, wasting my potential, maybe. But then, I got too comfortable. I would forget that you were a completely different person from what I was used to in a relationship. I kept thinking you were going to handle things the way Pablo handled them because of our history and present, but he was the last person I had a real relationship with. Yes, I had dated other guys before and after mine and his relationship, but only after our relationship was I sexually active, and that was mainly all it was with the other guys. Hanging out, getting drunk together and having sex, but it was mutually agreed that our relationships were going nowhere. Pablo was and to this day has been my last serious relationship. And so I would forget that you didn't know me as well as I thought you did. I got scared. I kept thinking that after every conversation, you would just get up and walk away. So I tried to not care, which lead me into digging into the drugs again. It was just weed, at first. And I was fine with that, it's marijuana, I've got a prescription for it, whatever. Yeah, and then I lied to you for the first and only time ever. And I felt like such shit for it. I didn't want you to think I was a coward. But I knew you knew I was lying, so I don't know why I didn't just tell you. I guess I just felt stupid afterwards, you knew I was stoned, and maybe you were even embarrassed. Because I was so unbelievably stoned, coming down, but still stoned, when I met your best friend Anthony, whom at this point, I think is the only person you could ever truly trust. And I was meeting him for the first time. It was a really terrible first impression, and I felt terrible for it. I didn't want it to be like that, and I know you didn't either. At this point, I just felt like I kept making the wrong choices and I was so worried about messing this up.

But in the end, I did. And there's nothing I can do about it now. Because I was confused. I was hearing one thing from you, something from Pablo, and something about Gaby about our relationship. And it didn't help that I would keep hearing that Pablo was still in love with me from Gaby by what I would tell her, and then I would confront him about it, and he'd freak out and yell at me, telling me he'd never be with me again because I did something with you. And they would also talk, a lot. More than Pablo and I would talk. Maybe more than even you and Pablo would talk. She would tell me how he's still in love with me, but that I shouldn't talk to him, and she made it seem genuine because she would compare him to Joe. But low and behold, this girl just cannot stand not being the center of everyone's attention. Why anyone would want what I had for the past year, I don't know. But she ended up talking to Pablo a lot more than she should've, despite the both of us knowing that for a while, Pablo did want to get with her. She told me that if Joe ever told her anything like that, she would kill him. Well, that was the day I should've killed Pablo. But I would still come to her with advice about you, and she'd tell me to or not to do certain things. And I shouldn't have listened to her, but I did, because she always has guys flocking around her. She's always been able to keep guys coming for more. And so, I listened to her, and I shouldn't have, because it all got me in trouble with you anyway. I just didn't know what to do, I didn't want to say the wrong thing because I knew how the hospital had changed me. I could barely keep up a conversation with you, and it wasn't because I was doing anything wrong, it was because I didn't know what to say because I couldn't find the words in my head. Big sigh. All in all, It just felt like a huge conspiracy against me, and all I wanted was clarification.

That's still all I want. But so now, here I am. Still disoriented, still slightly autistic, still on drugs. Just without you, and the clear idea that all I had ever wanted was you, and that I should have been strong enough to say no to him all this time. But I wasn't. And having to keep that a secret from you, to salvage yours and Pablo's friendship, made me go crazy. It's like I had kept looking for more and more ways to fuck up, unintentionally of course, and then I just screwed myself over for you assholes in the end. Because of course, you're not talking to me, and Pablo isn't talking to me anymore either. But he's still talking to my cousin everyday. Rad. But that's what are drugs are for.


ps. but how come I was the only one who knew what the right thing to do here was? I'm just a little girl.

I'm always so busy when I'm doing make-up that I never have time to take any pictures or to fix my own make-up.

I wish that people didn't think that I were interested in them just because I'm polite and helpful. But sure, I will take your free drinks and give you nothing in return.

I don't think I will ever get enough of this man's voice, and if he ever loses his voice I'm not sure what I would do.

Might have literally lost my mind a little bit last night. But I always wake up the next morning in the more fragile mental state.

"I have loved but I've lost all that they gave me. They all try to save me, but I'm seeing this thing through. And these feelings of remorse, they leave me no recourse. So I pour another glass. Fail again and again."

When I was younger, I used to read a lot about phoenixes. How they're reborn from their ashes. I obsessed over it. And I also never thought it was fair that only cats had nine lives and dogs didn't. But now that I'm older I've learned that it is a mixture of both ideas.

All I wanted was for you two stupid boys to stop talking about us. Because him knowing about everything we did, made it as if I weren't only having this "relationship" with you, but also him. Which I would let you know, that's not what I wanted at all.

To whom it may concern--

To think that I asked to be this way would be a complete lie. I didn't ask to feel this way about anyone, especially you. I'm just so tired. I'm so tired of everything. I'm sorry I can't be as strong as everyone else is. But this is how I am. And nobody wants to stick around long enough to see their significant other go from potentially a wife to a child because they don't trust her to be left alone. Nobody wants that, especially me, and it's always an option. So I'm setting us both free.

Sincerely,
Sarah Brooke

I wish we never had anything in common. I think I'd be fine if I never saw a zombie again, or a stupid old pit bull. I wish we had never spoken of our favorite movies and tv shows, like Lost, Sons of Anarchy, Trueblood. I wish I had never watched anything and had it remind me of you. Or remind me of us. I wish we never watched any of those stupid movies, and enjoyed them together. I wish we both didn't love halloween, or watching people get torn apart by monsters or lunatics. I wish you didn't ever try to help me get straight and ditch the drugs. I wish I had never showed an interest in you, and what you were trying to help me through, or that you had reciprocated anything either. Because its more than obvious we both wasted too much time and energy in something that would've never happened. But I think that's just the hopeless romantic in us both, deep down somewhere there. But most importantly, I wish I never longed for your touch or to hear your voice, I wish I never felt the way you made me feel, like nothing else mattered, just you and me. And the most, most importantly, I wish I never laid eyes on you in that stupid bike shop in stupid middle of nowhere, Virginia, about 5 years ago in your stupid blue, plaid shirt and your stupid short-shorts that make everyone feel uncomfortable. I wish none of this had ever happened because then I know I wouldn't be lost here and alone without you, wondering what I could've done differently so that I could be yours.

Blowing off two classes, a midterm, a midterm project, and my sanity. This is me in control of my life. I am in control, no one else.

I wish I didn't always feel so sick in the mornings.

Good-bye, motivation, happiness, curiosity, blue eyes. Hello, depression/artists block/all bad things I don't want in my life.

I want so badly to just give up already.

http://t.co/ktzmMkmi
"Darkest Side" - The Middle East

I'm not sure what I would've done had I not escaped Virginia's grasp. Other than rotted, of course, with the rest of them, in an old truckbed and a tan. Or worse, in a snowstorm. With a baby. [shudders] God, that's terrifying.

Don't get me wrong, Virginia will always be home to me. But if I didn't get out of there when I did, I wouldn't be living my dream, doing gorey make-up or making movies and learning about the process. If I go home after school, I'm done for. But I know very well that that is not an option. Because if I go back home, I will probably just end up in jail. Riight, Dad?

It's kind of funny how materialistic my horoscope tells me I am. Funny because I am a girl who has bought nothing nice or pricey for myself or anyone since my first year of college 3 years ago. I'm okay with marijuana, booze, and cigarettes though.

I keep trying to make myself disappear. To not be noticed. But I try so hard, and I really don't know why because it's pretty obvious that I'm not supposed to be invisible. I'm not supposed to be dead. Just to certain people. No, but we'll see. I just want to make you wish you were dead.

I've seen men rise and fall, get to the top, and just cannot handle it. You won't be forgotten, but you will forever be just "one of those men." Its quite dismal though, I was really expecting you to last a little longer. But you dropped like a fly, way quicker than the last. How unfortunate.

Love,
Me.

I miss being able to love you without any consequences.

This is my Sunday afternoon.

And just like before I find myself constantly asking, "Why, God, why? Why me?"

Wish I could forget about you the way you forgot about me. Can't even watch my favorite tv show without thinking about you. Pathetic, I know. But if it makes you happy...

Last night I drunkenly watched a junkie get "roughed up" by a gangbanger he most likely owed money.

Thanks for the memories.

"Last time I saw you we had just split in two. You were looking at me. I was looking at you. You had a way so familiar, but I could not recognize, 'cause you had blood on your face; I had blood in my eyes. But I could swear by your expression that the pain down in your soul was the same as the one down in mine."

When I was a little girl, I used to see beautiful women in movies relaxing with a cigarette in the bath. The television or radio on, by their feet. Now that I'm only enough to do so, I find the only missing is that the radio is a little too far. And if it just so happens to fall in, I'll be sure to tell everyone it was an accident.

No, I've never wanted to kill myself more.

I'm feeling suicidal again and I think I know how to make it stop.

Man, I never thought anyone would think beating the shit out of their 90 lbs, junkie, anorexic girlfriend was macho, this is a record.

I'm so tired. I'm so tired of everything.

My best friend Cerena and I probably have the worst luck in the world and we're just trying our best to survive. Last night, my best friend got her face stomped in by some bitch while this bitch's boyfriend holds Cerena down. And the worst part is, there is nothing I can do about it. And she's about just as far away from me as you are. Fuck everything right now.

And there's nothing you can do about it now.

I guess I am still crazy

Never wanted so much to not see tomorrow ever again. Good night.

I choose to be lonely because I'd rather be lonely than give some other asshole the satisfaction of thinking they 'have' me.

You want to push me away? All right.

I just get worried when people who have hurt me more than you could possibly imagine tell me that THEY are worried that I'm going to get myself hurt because they know how I get when I fall for someone, I give more than most people dare to imagine. And so I try to ignore it, but when everything you do looks to confirm it, I'm not sure what to do anymore.

Blue Valentine did nothing but reinstate my fears. I didn't cry, but perhaps in any other state. It was terribly realistic which I believe was the point, but it's difficult for movies to deal with abortions without it becoming a lifetime-style movie. Big sigh. He gave entirely too much of himself to her. And that was the worst part, I think, that in the end she still couldn't love him anymore. But I guess it's not really possible to keep track of how much love you'd give a person, especially one like her. If I ever fall in love again....

Sitting on my kitchen window sill, watching the cars and the passers-by. I've got a lot of soul searching to do.

I think that when I'm old, I'm just going to restore old muscle cars, trucks, and motorcycles.

Is it true that everything you touch turns to gold?

Is it stupid that I came crying to you because I didn't want to do anything for the wrong reasons? I think the stupidest part was that I came crying to you for that, and not the real reason which would be given the chance, I would do it all for you.

When the things that kept you going no longer keep you going. Looking for comfort in the new, but I know I shouldn't get too comfortable. Everyone keeps telling me that lately. Not to get too comfortable. I'm just not good enough.

If I were to ever record music, it would only be onto vinyls and it would only be pre-WWI blues, and early rock & roll/rhythm & blues from the 1950s-1960s. Way back when music was still good. Sigh.

Yes. And it's okay, Gaga, I ain't mad at you for copying my hair.

He would stay for a while, that was wish enough for a luckless, scarred bitch as she.

My horoscope keeps telling me that I will want you more and more as days go by. But I knew that already. If one day, you were ever mine...

I relapsed two nights ago. It's the burn that I'm after. Still trying to figure out this world. I'm not going to be anyone if I don't sleep with all the guys. Not even just guys. I'm so brainwashed, so jaded. It's everywhere I look, turned around, get drunk and find. I will never be more than an object to anyone, this is apparent. But this is also why I've stopped looking.

If you tell someone enough that they are what they are, whether they're a slut or a junkie or a nobody. It's comes true. I always just wanted to be a nice, reliable, independent girl who's determined and follows her dreams. But nobody else does. Nobody ever remembers a nice girl. Nice girls don't get anywhere. Nice girls don't even dream. Nice girls don't even finish.

I've seen a lot of bad people play good guys and in the end, win.

The stars spell out your name, like in a science-fiction drama.

When your not-so-recent stint with a tattoo artist results in them tattooing your face all over their other clients' bodies. I'm flattered, but god, you're stupid. Facebook is just full of trash.

When I go away for periods at a time, this is because I've had too much of what I want. You give me more than enough to be satisfied that it gets too difficult to stay away. And then I grow hungry for more.

Do people not understand that you can still be a really nice, sweet, generous person and still be a lying, cheating, backstabbing, home-wrecking, piece of shit? Come on. The fact that this is being questioned baffles me. It's just a matter of which one they do more often that determines whether or not they are a good person. I've done some really terrible things in my life, but I try to make up for it by never doing them again (or being aware of what I'm doing) and just trying to be kind to people and live my life. You give a little, you get a little. You know? Oh yeah, and having a strictly platonic relationship with someone of the opposite sex. That, my friends, is impossible. If you're straight, at least. A little different with bisexuals. Every best friend I have had at one point has fallen for me, taking a toll on our already crumbling friendship because I'm just "not into them that way." A boy makes friends with a pretty girl, it's not because she's nice, or because she's talented. Its because somewhere deep down in their stupid, stupid self, he wants to fuck her. You learn this shit in college, come on. And it's not only boys, but girls too. I wouldn't have ever started talking to Brady if I wasn't physically attracted to him. Strictly platonic relationships just don't last because one of the pair always ends up giving in. Exhale.

This is why we cannot "just be friends."

My motivation is wearing so thin.

I've been so depressed lately, it's stupid.

All the drugs, sex, and money in the world couldn't make me feel better. Been so mopey and bitchy, I just want my dog to be here with me already.

Maybe the reason why I hate all of your friends is because they're all terrible people who cheat, spread STDs, beat their significant others, knock em up and they're just rude. The funniest part was that for some reason I never once questioned why you were even friends with them. But it's quite obvious to me now. They're just like you. Trash.

Poured myself a cup of coffee, but I couldn't bring myself to drink.

I can't waste my time with guys who treat me like shit anymore.

Every conversation I had today went a little like, "Oh really, you had a bad day, Sarah? Why's that?..blahblah..blahblahblahblah" "Because I--" "HAHAHAHHA blahblahblahireallydontcare." From everyone. Don't talk to me, if you don't give a fuck about me. I would most definitely get along fine without any of you and your bullshit to deal with.

Everything I do today, I immediately regret. Today is stupid.

What I would do to feel you next to me again.

I want only to be _____.

Been doing a lot of thinking lately. And I think this may be it.

I hate everything

I'm one of those people who looks like they always have something to be happy about. I'm always smiling. And I'm always laughing. Even when I cry.

This one's called "We're Just Like You."

I need to find another way to channel my anger other than through writing on here and feeding myself poison.

Think I might just hide out in my room until 4AM Thursday.

I never met a man who knew the proper definitions of trust, honesty, and loyalty.

Man, all you guys are fuckin' idiots. Go suck each others dicks.


No, no. All you people. I'd more specifically like to take you sailing in the middle of the ocean, duct tape you to an anchor, and throw you overboard. Rot, fuckhead.

I am indifferent.

I might pretend that last post or thoughts did not happen. I'm scared, if you don't know it. I am. More afraid than you could ever imagine. But willing to consider it because it's you. I hate to say this, and maybe I'm wrong, but you know, I don't think these things would happen if you just let me in.

Why did that happen last night? I suppose it could've been worse, I could've said what I wanted to say just because it felt right, those words I've been dreading to say ever again, but I didn't. There's no use. Sobriety has helped me bite my tongue more often as of late. But thank you half damaged brain for starting this in the first place. I hate excuses. Almost as much as I hate lies. Funny how I hate words more than people. Whatever happened to sticks and stones? Yes, sticks and stones, you've done me good all my twenty years. It's just something about saying words you don't mean and making shit up that bothers me. What's also funny is how I don't think you're lying, I just don't know what to think. Oh well.

Not sure why this hasn't made its way to these pages til now. The song is about "taking a journey to win back the one you love." Quite the number, I think.

Heading back to that colder weather soon.

I'm not sure what you want me to say to you. I can't help how I feel, or how you make me feel. Do you want this just as much as I do? Give me a sign, give me anything. I'm yours.

La loup-garou n'a pas le choix.

My blog has grown increasingly confusing. Apologies. How 'bout a pic?

To any other girl, one would probably think you were ignoring/avoiding her. Guess the longer I am here, the more I grow closer to "any other girl."

How did you get in my head?

This is me letting you go. This is me letting you be "the one that got away." I was stupid to think that this time it would be different.

Men will stop at nothing to get what they want.

Hm, I always get this funny feeling afterwards that everything is going to be okay.

Meh, Keith Urban still sucks. Hah.

This is what full-moons do to people like us.

And I'm not gonna lie, but tonight was fucking magical. I can't stop laughing. It really was. It was nice. I almost wish tonight was my last night in Virginia because I've got a feeling it's not going to get any better than this. Hope is not lost for me, folks, not all men make me cringe and cower. Yeah, I might fall asleep with a big stupid smile on my face, but I deserve it. I've been clean from hard drugs for about 4 months now with the occasional joint every now and then, as in every couple weeks. I don't even really drink that much anymore either. Even cut down how many cigarettes I smoke a day. You ought to be proud. I know I am, and I didn't do this for anyone, but myself. Promise. So fuck y'all, I deserve this. And if you think I'm a loser for being happy, then that's fine. I'm leaving anyway. Thanks for the dinner, the brews, teaching me about stars and what to do if I get lost tomorrow, and the rest of it. Good night.

ps. was there really a shooting star? I think that's what was killing me the most. Hah, oh lord.

All I've done is make a complete fool out of myself in front of you. I'm at even more of a loss for words than I ever was. And I wish today never happened. But alas, this is life, no?

I want a coat made of your leather, your fur, your nails.

When we broke up, all I wanted was for you to feel terrible and to regret ever letting me go. And so why do I feel so terrible? I'm glad we are able to set aside our difference and have fun just like we used to, but I'm afraid we are getting a little too much like we used to. You were always such a great friend to me, better friend than boyfriend, I'm afraid, but I think I was the same to you. Last night you said something funny and somehow He was brought up. You quickly muttered something I didn't understand, and then you repeated it, "He only went away because you stopped trying."

Funny how you only notice me when I'm about to leave

Don't think I will ever forget what it feels like when you look at me, or that crooked smile you get when you look me straight in the eyes, as if you're staring into my soul so casually. But that crooked smile. It's crooked, but it's genuine. Or how self-conscious you get when I'm around, as if you need to try to impress me. You're beautiful exactly how you are. Perfectly imperfect, everything I could ever want in a single human being. This is why it will never work out. It never works out for instances like this. Not that this has happened before ever in my life, but of course, it's what everybody says isn't it?

We've always shared this bizarre "connection" where we know exactly what the other is thinking simply because we are thinking the same exact thing at the same exact moment. For instance, simultaneously sending each other random text messages because we wanted to talk to one another but had no idea what to say. Then you'd point out how weird it was how we had texted each other at the same time. Or like tonight, when even after we had spoke in a while, I decided to be brave and ask you to go to join us at the movies to see Cowboys & Aliens, and then you reply with how you were just making plans to go see it. So you told me where you were and we did afterall go see the movie together. I'm not sure what this type of thing means, or why it surprises you so much every time it happens, but it's most likely just a coincidence.

Could you tell I was afraid?

I'm an animal, you're an animal too.

ME AND THE DEVIL

If it's meant to happen, it will happen.

Don't think I'll ever forget the night you told me loved me. You told me you never remembered it, but you knew what you were saying. That's just how you are.

Still trying to figure you out.

I always want what I can't have. But I'm so grateful that I was blessed with this new pup. She's been doing me so much good, keeping me safe, giving me her love, and being my best friend. However, I haven't yet forgotten Moose. I never will. I know he's still watching me from wherever he is, and making sure Tink is keeping me alive.

There's something inside of you that you never let me see. And it kills because that is all I want. For you to let me in. I never asked for him to come back to me, I didn't want him too. All I want is you. The curiosity is killing this cat, Tiger. Come back.

My mother thinks you're trying to get back together with me. #sodoeseveryoneelse But nobody never asks about what I want, and it isn't that.

Song of the Summer [So Far].

Man, Shania Twain is the shit.



Aaand this could easily be my favorite thing I've seen all summer. Billy Currington <3 Hahah

Also, who directs country music videos? They're terrible. Let me do it!

I will never forget the first time I laid eyes on you. You were wearing a blue plaid button down shirt with a pair of cutoff jean shorts. He introduced me to you, and you just waved and smiled. I couldn't stop staring. And I just thought, "Well, what does a girl have to do to get me a man like that?" I secretly hoped that every time I would go into to visit him, you'd be there. And for a while, you weren't. I forgot about you. Then a few days after he broke up with me, I went into that damned shop again. You were wearing that blue plaid shirt again too. And like that first time, you just waved and smiled, but shaking your head a little bit as if you knew I would be there. Then I thought to myself, "Who the hell does this faggot think he is? I ought to slap that stupid smile right off his face right here and now."

My god, how I love those eyes. And oh how I wish I didn't.

Got stuck at the stop light in front of your work today. I gave two angry middle fingers. Took a lot for me to not get out of the car and piss in front of the shop entrance. Janina was also with me. She said she saw you the other day. Weird. It's okay though, because I won't be lonely long. You know who loves Filipino women? Military men. And Spanish men. Oh, and guess who loves Filipino women the most? Black men.

Ugh.

I don't want to feel like the world is out to get me, but I really can't help it. You just up'd and left me. Like he did. I can't help but think you guys were talking about this all along behind my back and still just won't let me know for your own stupid purposes. The worst part is, I have no idea why I'm feeling this way about HIM. We talked for a mere couple weeks, but that was seriously the happiest I've been in a while. When he touched me, he meant it. Or at least it felt as if he did. I still can't help but think I'm the spawn of Satan, put on this world just to test peoples loyalties and bring them down with me whenever I can. I prayed and prayed for Evan and I to work out because he was everything I could have wanted in a man right down to the T. At least I had him when I had him. It still sucks though. This so-called vacation is now turning lonely, which is the exact reason why I didn't want to be here in the first place. Ugh..two more months and then I get to see my sister, my father, and my beloved San Diego.

Should really take Pablo up on that ticket to Florida. I've been here for 4 days and I already want to leave. Surprise, surprise.

Everyone here just thinks I'm fucked up, and I am, but so are they.


ps. it's just silly that they were both trying to talk to me at the same time, and then now what? boys and their stupid competitiveness.

I just want you to give us a chance.

Done being a good friend to you. Sorry. Not really.

It takes nothing to call someone else crazy. But it takes everything to accept those words from yourself.

I am just trying to be a good friend to him. Despite how he was never there for me when we ended it. I'm just trying to be a good person. It's okay though. Not very many people are as understanding as I am. With his situation and all. I mean, I've been there. And he actually seems to be enjoying it as much as I did. But his friends...I'm sure it's pretty safe to say he hasn't told most of them, or really any of them. Maybe Ben. I'm sure his brother hasn't even called. It would ruin a good number of them to know. They all look up to him. They always have. Because he's big and strong and confident. And little did they know, he looks up to one of the tiniest, most frail people he knows. Me.

If I ever get married, I want to have as much fun with my husband as this woman does.

Glad I wasn't the only person who noticed how miserable you were. But you'll be out of this mess soon enough. Get better soon, and I will call you in the morning. Love, me.

Let's join forces. We've got our guns and horses.



And I love the zombie marching band.

Pablo and I have been talking quite a bit lately. It's weird though. I mean, it's nice because it's almost as if I have my best friend back. It's just weird how "normal" it is. We were always better friends than boyfriend and girlfriend. However, he did agree with the whole idea of "if you're a girl, and your best friend is not a gay male, he just wants to have sex with you." Which was reassuring. Well, he said 9 out of 10 times it's like that. I was just very pleased to hear it coming from a guy, thus proving my thesis correct.

Reveal Clip #1

She's a fighter. And I love it.

Don't watch. Just listen.

For a while, I forgot how to talk. I ate up all the drugs and a took my brain for a ride. It's coming back though. Slowly but surely. I'm really pouring my heart and soul into this narrative. It's me, if I were a film. Honestly. I'm being the most honest with the world that I have ever been. Maybe the world will get it, maybe they won't. Films are art. Art is expressing yourself, your feelings, anything that strikes your fancy, really. It gets lost in the industry a lot, today, which saddens me. It's all about making money now. You know, especially in the financial district here, I see a lot of these yuppie types, and sometimes I just want to ask them, "If it weren't for the money, would you still do what you do?" But people love money. It gets you things you can't get by being yourself, by being real. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if our society was one of bartering as opposed to cash, money, economics, whatever you want to call it. If you were a farmer, and had only a few animals on your land that you cared for, but one day it came down to it, and you had to give up something to sustain yourself. So you give up your horse to get a car. A jalopy piece of crap, most likely. But at least you can drive to see your family, or drive to the closest grocery store chain and trade your organic fruits and vegetables for processed foods and pesticides. I'm just rambling now. Point of the story is, it all sucks. But it's never going to change.

Sharing is not an option for the world, because everyone's got their heads shoved up their asses. It's true. I know I do.

You just have to take the time to appreciate things while you have them, reminisce for a little, and when they're gone, you just gotta keep going. Same old shit everyone tells you. It just never means anything unless you realize it for yourself.

Tiger, it's just a water bottle. But I can see how that's gay. I feel like you know a lot more about me than I thought you did.

<3

I really need to see this. This novel practically made me who I am today.

I hope you don't think I'm shy, because I'm not. I just have no idea what to say to you.

You know what I realized today? I always did so well in high school, and was so strong, (mind you this was before the big spanish baby ruined everything) because I never let idiots and obstacles get in my way. I knew what I wanted, and that was to finish high school, and get the hell out of Virginia. Then when I met Pablo, he broke down a lot of my walls, burnt all those bridges that I tried so hard to build up. But I've done it before, built those walls, and those bridges, so it should be easier this time. And everyday I'm learning that it is. San Francisco is just another place I cannot stand to be in, and now I just need to work as hard as I did in high school to get that ticket out of here. I never needed a boyfriend or anything like that to live my life. As most of my childhood was spent alone. But I grew up to be one of the most determined and motivated people I know. Anyone will tell you that, even Pablo. Having a boyfriend just made me forget what I was made of. I don't need these distractions. I don't need to hide behind a Man who will just try to push me away because he isn't as smart as I am or talented. Because they always try. They always will. I'm the kind of girl most men cannot handle. Not even just men, my mother can barely handle me. But I love her to death for trying. Same with my sister. Hah, and no shrink helped me come to this conclusion either. No drugs. No pills. No friends. Just me. Looks like I'm well on my way back to my old self. Well, not my old self, just the new, improved, stronger, and more unstoppable self. (Doesn't that sound terrifying? It's like the Terminator. But anyway.) The real Sarah.


ps. I'm not mad about having to go back to Virginia for all of summer, because I know it's not permanent. That place just isn't for me anymore. I just need to make the best of it while I'm there, which should be easy because it's summer vacation! However, one day, I will find my way down south again. And it'll probably be way down south in the middle of nowhere. Just don't know when that will be. Perhaps when I'm ready to settle down. But that won't be anytime soon.

It's funny because I can clearly see all the baggage you've got, and the minute mine shows, you bail. Will I ever find someone who will love me for my imperfections? Probably not. I've got a lot of baggage. LOLZ

Gave in, again today. I just feel so helpless. I know I messed up, and that I shouldn't have said any of those things. Not yet at least. But times are crazy right now. I just miss our casual, friendly, fun, videochat sessions. I guess because I feel so comfortable around you I forget that we barely know each other. Sigh. I just want school to be over already.

Funny how 24 hours can seem like a lifetime when trying to get clean.

I never wanted a big house, no white picket fence. I don't want fancy clothes or fancy cars. But I would love a dog or two, maybe 3, a husband who can double as my best friend, and maybe a child. Maybe, when I'm older. And if I got stuck under that god-awful sticky, southern sun, I think I would be okay with that. Most definitely okay with that.

When I was a younger, I used to pray that I would grow up and be beautiful and everyone would love me. Now I pray that all these body modifications and tattoos will cover me up.

The other day I found out my good friend Peter dropped out and moved back home to Chicago. He was going to help me with my next tattoo.

To be honest, I forgot about Pablo the minute you stepped into my life.

This is who I am. I don't understand why I can't get over it and just be grateful for being alive. Like how I used to be. But I suppose when you murder the only thing you love, the only thing that matters in your life, you want none of it. I can't get over the guilt of what my stupid selfish mistakes have done. Were he human, he'd probably not want me to be this way. He'd tell me to move on, and tell me that he did this for me. So I can do what I want and be free. But he isn't. And all I can think about is him wondering where I went, and why I haven't come home yet. Words will never describe how much I miss you, buddy. My one true love. The only one capable of loving me, despite how fucked up I am. I know It hasn't even been a year yet, but I will never forget you. I will never love anyone more. They always say, "til death do us apart," but death can't even separate us. You're with me where ever I go, boy. Always.

What the hell happened to me today? I finally broke the fuck down, that's what happened. Done.

The only reason I could come up with for you being this way is that I finally moved on, and found someone I really enjoy being with, but he really doesn't feel much for me. And because you haven't found anyone else yet either, you're trying to get back at me and talk shit. But okay. It's fine. I give up.

Oops, I fucked up everything. This is me caring. Not.

A preview of what is to come for my final. This is my favorite class and my favorite teacher. Also, that boy is the best. Why was I so damn baked that day? Ugh. Shit could've been so much better. Drugs will be the death of me, and keep me from my future. Maybe the more I say it, the more I will believe it. Sigh.

Britney is the shit.

Someone once told me this song reminded me of them. Hm. Oh well. And Idk what the hell that Meez shit is.

So I would think my best friend would be supportive of me and finding someone I can be happy with. But it turns out he's just a jealous piece of shit. And he wonder's why I don't ever want to be with him. I could kill him right now. Selfish prick. I wish he wouldn't act like he's the only one that deserves me. Especially because he doesn't deserve anything from me. I will never feel for him how he feels for me. Plus, he looks like a complete idiot next to this one. Seriously though, what kind of an idiot thinks its okay to spay an animal but not to neuter it. Clearly someone has issues and is sexist. Yeah, not gonna work out.

I think I get crazy with you sometimes because I keep punishing myself for being so far away. I know this is all on me. I don't want to wait, I shouldn't have to. But I will. It's been so hard, I feel like I'm pushing you farther and farther away on top of me already being 3,000 miles away. Hah. One day, things will be normal. They will be good. We won't have to do this stupid thing. ...well let's be realistic. I just can't wait to see you again, and I think for now, that is enough to keep me going til the end of the semester.

Not sure if you remember this, but the other night you drunkenly told me you loved me in tagalog. Fuckin' weirdo.

Yeah.

Missing those baby blues.

Some bizarre fantasy of mine.

You are a cinema, I could watch you forever.

So afraid of pushing you away. I'm sorry that I feel this way, but I can't help it. I don't want to live to see the day where I lose you. What have I done? I wish I could tell you everything. I just want to be yours. Nobody else's.

"Oh, I love cooking" "[gasp] Really?! That's perfect. Because I hate it."

Thank you for getting me to eat, lover. And restoring my faith in life.

I believe I've fallen too hard, too fast. Maybe it's time to go.

Gaby: Are you okay? You sound different.
Me: Yeah, I'm just a completely different person when I'm actually happy.

Sick of doctor's appointments, nausea, not sleeping, and when I do fall asleep, waking up to feel like my limbs are about to fall off. The other day I told my mom I just wanted to be normal, and that's all I ever wanted. It's a little pathetic how far down life can bring you.

Baby, I was born to survive.

Every night before I go to bed, I go out back to have a cigarette just like I used to when Moose was around. It was our quiet little spot. Helps me clear my head. I can still hear him sometimes.

This song is the shit.

This is God's way of saying, "when the time is right, all will fall into place."

When I see your face, I'm home. The more I think about it, the more I realize how meant for each other we are. Mom would love you, and so would Pop, I think. So how come we aren't allowed to be together? Are you just as afraid as I am? Getting that letter one day and saying to yourself, "Well, damn, my best friend is dead. And I just slept with his old lady." That guilt. Will it ever end? We are so right for each other, I just wish it wasn't so wrong. You're here, I'm there. You're done with school. And he honestly doesn't think your good enough for me. I wish things weren't so complicated, but I'm going to pretend that they aren't and move on with my life. Because maybe we aren't supposed to be together now, but that doesn't mean that someday we won't be.

I listen to country music because it doesn't remind me of anyone but myself, and it helps me keep pushing forward.

One day at a time.

I just want my rock back.

Trying to get inspiration for my Fox Force Five pilot!!!!

A girl can go crazy thinking "what if"

The worst part is wanting you, and not knowing who the "you" is. Just wanting something, I suppose.

Contemplating on asking Mom to change my ticket for wednesday instead of friday. I can't do this right now. I can't. None of it. The best part about going home is getting to be by myself. Finally.

I could've sworn that when I spoke to you this morning, it were all a dream. Do you think we'll ever see each other again? I'm not sure, but I'm glad to hear that your heart is still beating.

Short films are like folk tales, not only do they tell you stories, they teach you lessons. Just a few short films that have really made an impression on me.







And this would probably complete my life

I prayed so that I would stop thinking of him, not start thinking about someone else. Better be more specific next time. Sigh.

New Obsession

I wish I would stop waking up like this. It makes me not want to wake up at all. It's unbearable. I don't know what I need. I don't care what I need or want. I don't want anything. Why is this happening?

"A beretta's not some old tampon. You don't just forget it's in your purse." -Katey Sagal, Sons of Anarchy

So tired of feeling this way. Anxious, neurotic, lonely, tired, apathetic. I just cleaned the shit out of my room because I didn't know what to do with myself. Also looked for an old truck to trade my matrix for. Sigh. Everyone here is crazy. Maybe I should look into MUD. At least I would be with the warm weather and such. Sigh again. I'm just looking for a familiar face? I don't know. Last sigh. Uncertainty.

My sleep has been the worst that it has ever been. Maybe I just need to be alone. Maybe I just need to breathe. Maybe I just need a lot of things, but my life isn't going to make it any easier. I'd like nothing more than to be able to come home and just go to sleep. But with an entire day full of classes ahead of me, then homework, followed by another full day of classes. When do I have time for anything? I don't.

I just want to disappear right now.

When that old song comes on, together we're singin', forever we're singin'.

But when you called last night, your voice sounded as empty and hollow as mine. Tired, anxious, afraid. I now know that this is something we both need to do, and that this isn't goodbye. I won't ever forget you. I also know you won't always be there to save me like you always were, coming to my rescue whenever I needed you. But hopefully I'll be okay. Be strong, soldier.

There's nothing good about 8AM goodbyes other than the fact that I get to hear your voice one last time. I want to think of him but you're all that's on my mind. Show 'em what you got, soldier.

The other day Rommel walked in on me listening to country music. I just laughed and he asked, "Why?" He said I never seemed like someone who would listen to country music. I told him that my dad used to listen to country music. Naturally. We're from the south. But I only remember my father ever listening to country music around the time of the divorce.

You leave tomorrow?

Never thought I would be singing this song at 3 in the morning for a drunken debauchery at my girl's apartment in SD with Scott Small.

Sigh.

It's kinda depressing how the first thing I do when I start my day is reach for my bottle of prozac....oh well. You are who you are.

I just woke up from the most awful nightmare I've ever had in my life. I woke up sobbing.

You will always be my best friend before anything else.

I've got so much on my mind. I just want him here with me.

I'm getting really tired of chasing this one. I'm seriously at a loss for what to do. Why is this happening? Do I just not care enough? Do I not care at all? I'm just tired in general. Maybe once I'm done with work for the week we can get the ball rolling again. And then I leave on tuesday... Sigh. Oh well.

New obsession: Dr. Dog.

Baby, I'm howlin' for you.

When I'm with him, no one else in the world exists but us. When he looks at me, I melt inside. He looks at me the way you used to.

He's really the only person that can keep up with me right now. Please, can we keep this moving smoothly? I've been trying so hard to take this slow, but I really don't want to. Hm..

God, I haven't felt like this in years. It's a little bizarre how much him and I get along. Murder by Death, Westerns, special effects make-up, zombies, movies in general, and the list goes on and on. These are specifically just the most important ones to me right now. Oh! And whisky. The man loves to drink just as much as I do. Joking about poppin' a xanax after the movie. Who does that? Other than me, at least. God, we can we just cut the bullshit and fast forward to next year. Ugh.

Somewhere between here and there, I made a pact with the devil.