And so tonight on this New Year's Eve, I want nothing more than to die.

I don't know where else to look for you...Where are you? :(

I wish I didn't want to help so many damn people/things. That's why I never know what I want to do with my life. The only way I'll be able to do it all is if I become famous. haaha. I suppose it's a good thing that we're moving to Los Angeles in the summer then.

When I was little, I used to drink strawberry milk everyday after I came home from school. I don't think I will ever enjoy it as much as I did without you.

As of midnight tomorrow night, I will officially be starting my life without you.


"The mediator between brain and muscle must be the heart."

No, it's not home here without you. Yes, I'm just visiting. This isn't my home anymore.

Every day I wake up here feeling weaker and weaker.

Oh, you really miss me? That's funny, because I don't really miss you. Hm.

No, that was mean. I miss you, just..like how I miss my girls. You're a good kid. Just not a good boyfriend. Two girls is not better than one. Especially with me. That shit don't fly.

Diana is falling in love with a boy exactly like you. For the exact reasons I did. And I'm not sure whether or not I should tell her. The only difference is that he is full Italian, and actually majored in philosophy. He went to/finished school.

It's good to finally reunited with my girls. How much I've missed them. Perhaps more than I've missed you.

I hate when people who really aren't important act like they are. To me, at least. It's quite unfortunate. Open your eyes.

If my vanity doesn't kill me, then tomorrow will.

Theme of the day: ferocity.

I can't belive what you said to me
Last night when we were alone
You threw your hands up
Baby you gave up, you gave up

I can't believe how you looked at me
With your James Dean glossy eyes
In your tight jeans with your long hair
And your cigarette stained lies

Could we fix you, if you broke?
And is your punch line just a joke?

I'll never talk again
Oh boy you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless

I can't believe how you slurred at me
With your half wired broken jaw
You popped my heart seams
On my bubble dreams, bubble dreams

I can't believe how you looked at me
With your Johnnie Walker eyes
He's gonna get you and after he's through
There's gonna be no love left to rye

And I know that it's complicated
But I'm a loser in love
So baby raise a glass to mend
All the broken hearts
Of all my wrecked up friends

I'll never talk again
Oh boy you've left me speechless
Youve left me speechless so speechless

I'll never love again,
Oh friend you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless

How?

And after all the drinks and bars that we've been to
Would you give it all up?
Could I give it all up for you?

And after all the boys and girls that we've been through
Would you give it all up?
Could you give it all up?

If I promise to you boy
That I'll never talk again
And I'll never love again
I'll never write a song
Won't even sing along

I'll never love again
So speechless
You left me speechless, so speechless
Why you so speechless, so speechless?

Will you ever talk again?
Oh boy, why you so speechless?
You've left me speechless

Some men may follow me
But you choose "death and company"
Why you so speechless?



...just wait 'til you hear mine. This song's about you and me. She even gets in the part about your stupid broken jaw.

It was good to see that smile of yours I've been dying so long to see.
And I'm glad that it was because of me. It seems like ages since I've seen that smile.
So unique, so genuine.
People who don't know you might think that you were angry, but I know that it's just you trying to hold back.
You always held back. Your emotions, your love. I hated it. I hate you for it.
I miss you loving me, and I miss loving you.
But it's probably for the better, no matter how hard I try to convince you and myself.
I hate how you shut me out. And I wish you wouldn't.
Just know that I loved you before and I always will.
No matter what we've been through. Nothing will ever change that.

Be safe, and be good.
Yours always.

It's almost as if I never left.

You better have been singing "ticket to ride" the day the I left.

What lies in the shadow of a statue?

He who will save/protect us all.

Today we saw Joseph Fiennes with his very pregnant wives and very plump canines at the pet store in West Hollywood. My sister, being the first to see him, immediately turned to look me in the face and say, "Sarah. Shakespeare." And I immediately thought, "I just wish he would just quote sonnets and whisper romantic verses from his plays to me." And then I remember it was just the actor who played him in Shakespeare in Love. I miss that movie. I love it. And I still love you.

I hate movies where someone gets a second chance because I know if you ever asked me I would give you a second chance. And I don't want to. But just because two people love each other doesn't mean they are supposed to be together. I don't know if we are. But I think we'll see in the end. One day.

"Yes, but we need you to understand that your father and I, we still love each other. Just because two people love each other doesn't mean they are supposed to be together."

"What if you are supposed to be together?" Juliet asks.

"We're not, honey."

"But how can you know for sure?"

"We just know. And, when you're a grown up, you'll understand."

I'm watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Just a few things currently on my mind:

I always love others that love others.
Please don't let this shit kill me.
Insomniaaaaa.
Darling, I want to destroy you.
Where to spend my summer?

Cool, I'm currently susceptible to irritability and insomnia. Cool. I would just like to sleep until December 20th when I wake up at home. I just want my body to be normal again. Normal for me at least, ie. 10 lbs lighter, leaner, toned.

Current resolution for the New Year: Normalcy.

I've had fun this semester, but never again. Not this hard.

Lauren made us write letters to ourselves at the beginning of the semester, and we just got them back. They're funny. Maybe I'll write about it next time.

ps. I feel like I just broke up with him. Oh wait..

I miss your brown eyes.

Taylor Swift, please stop writing about my life in your songs. Ugh. Kill me, please.

So confused about everything. I just want to go home. I want to be comfortable. I want to clear my head. I just want to be me. But I'm only me when I'm with you.

My mom will be happy to see that my hair is now black and I am about 7 lbs heavier. fml. lolz.

This is one of my favorite Avenged Sevenfold songs. And if I remember correctly, one of yours too.

I really want to do this. Like really really. Sigh.

I need to start being more honest with the people in my life that aren't my sister and Jess. And my mom.

I really wish you wouldn't think I was stupid. I just really think you're desperate. It's sad. But its your fault. So I'm not mad. Call me when you stop being a faggot.

So much to do, so little time.

-Laundry (including bed sheets)

-Write draft and final of Transcommodities paper

-Get back on track with derivatives before test on friday

-Clean room (I absolutely hate feeling like I live out of my bedroom)

-Get hair cut + dyed

-Buy more shampoo and conditioner

-Not have pneumonia anymore

This is all I can think of right now. And most of which I have to do within the next 2 weeks. And it stresses me out just thinking about it.

One last final word of advice: Ex's. Ruin. Everything.

Top--winter hair color? Bottom--summer? lolz. I feel like poop, and I think that my pneumonia should go away. Who the hell gets pneumonia is San Diego? And how?

Maybe I need sleeping pills again or something.

You are not my boyfriend, and I am okay with that.

This mistake won't be the end of us,
Stare into nothing, we are alive.

Don't watch me when I sleep. I hate it. There's only one person allowed to watch me in my sleep, and he is no longer in my life. So don't.

I just wish he were more like you.

I feel like I should be on Daytime TV hosting a show about moral support for young girls who have recently broken up with their long term boyfriend's for school/distance reasons.

If you were to ask me what I've been up to recently, to ask me how my life has been, you probably wouldn't believe me when I told you.

I never want to have to support my entire family. Seeing what my mother went through, I still don't know how she did it. But I never will.

Back to reality, wanting nothing more to clear my head for at least a few more minutes.

I hate waking up alone.

Sufjan Stevens is from Petosky too.

I like you because even though we've only known each other for a month, it's almost as if we've known each other for years. It's almost as if we were together for 2 1/2 years and we've known each other for a long time, we're just, not together anymore. I like you because I'm comfortable around you.

When I'm with you, I feel like I'm the girl I'm supposed to be.

Nowadays, I can only wonder what I did the night before and hope it was nothing illegal. Or well, too serious, at least.

Remember how over the summer, we'd wait until after my mother left for work, and about around this time, I would wake up, and see you lying next to me?

I don't want to say that I want you back, because I know you don't and look how far I've gone without you. But maybe one day. For now I'm just nostalgic. That's really all I can be, right now.

I like to say that I don't care when I really do. I'm so confused. I just want you to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay, just like you used to.

Hey Joe, where you goin' with that gun in your hand?
Hey Joe, I said where you goin' with that gun in your hand?
I'm goin' down to shoot my old lady
You know, I caught her messin' 'round with another man.
Yeah, I'm goin' down to shoot my old lady.
You know, I caught her messin' 'round with another man.

Hey Joe, I heard you shot your lady down?
You shot her down in the groud yeah!

It's times like these where I do miss you a lot.

I should just stop thinking, and start sleeping.

I think this is the end. But it's okay, because I'd rather have you on my mind than him.

I'm not emotionally attached. Not yet. And I do understand, because if I were in the same position you were in, I would be the same way. And I might be. And it's okay. It's just difficult because it's different. But when we're together, everything goes away. And that's okay too.

On saturday night I told Mali a bunch of things I have never ever told anyone in my life.

And no, I don't trust you. Not. at. all. :)

Nope. No turning back. And no potential. Just fun. :)

It's okay, there's still time. But is there? I'll let you know next week.

That time of the night again. Or day.

You know, my parents met at a party....

Is this all apart of moving on? I wish you wouldn't hate talking about this so much. I need to know what you're going through in order to see if what I'm doing is the right thing. I miss that sense of sanity. I don't know what I'm doing. I am out of control.

God, I used to love this band.

And this.

I miss you so much. I miss home.

"A kiss without moustache is like a soup without salt."

THATS NOT DAISY!!! LOLZ WTF

Could really do for some strawberry milk and cuddling while watching Creature from the Black Lagoon. Really really really badly. And some vans, I miss my old vans.

Remember that one day we shared the entire jar of peaches in your kitchen? That was a good day, or at least a good memory. Thank you.

Yep, its a water-proof mascara kind of day.

"Love will tear us apart, again." And in the end, it always does.

ps. there is no more explaining to do, i don't know why i said that.

Yes.

Hello, study abroad options for Spring of 2011:

-Australia

-*Replacing Brazil with India

-Ghana

-South Africa

-New Zealand

-Ecuador, or Fiji is a maybe.

But we'll see. *Add South Africa and Thailand for ballin' summer volunteer programs.

Whenever I find myself in a position that I used to love when we were together, as in just you sitting close to me with your arm around me, telling me everything is going to be okay, with someone else, I get so angry. I hate it. Not sure if it's because it's not you, or just because now I really do hate it. But yeah. I don't know.

Usually when someone says, "Rest in Peace, [insert name of recently deceased]" it means that someone died.

I'm suddenly annoyed with everything currently in my life, and everything that currently isn't.

I need a nap, and someone in my bed. Noon is the worst part of my day.

I wish that I didn't care how I make you feel when I upset you.

Because I know that you don't give a flying fuck about how I feel.

October 28 @ The Casbah, yes yes yes yes yes yes yes.

And Jay Reatard on the 20th.

I love good indie because if it's done right, it sounds like old punk rock, but better.

I don't have to be honest with anyone but myself.

Yes, this photograph is proof.

Did something for myself today. Not for you, or for anyone else. For myself.

"'Cause with all the changes you've been through, it seems the stranger's always you. Alone again in some new wicked little town. And if you've got no other choice, you know you can follow my voice through the dark turns and noise of this wicked little town."

My horoscope today is very right.

One day I hope that I can talk to you about all this and it will all be okay. That was probably my favorite part about our relationship...discussing the seemingly endless questions about life at odd hours of the morning. That and holding your hand.

I don't think I'll ever find a hand quite like yours. Close, maybe, because I have, but not really. Or to find one that mine fits so well inside.

Happy birthday, by the way.

ps. Maybe one day in the future I can tell you in person how it felt when you touched me.

I wish I didn't feel like I need to explain myself to you every time I see, think, hear of or from you. You don't make me feel this way, I make myself feel this way. I guess I just feel like you still don't understand how I feel, which you probably don't. I just hope that one day you will understand, you know.

Why are people so afraid of human nature? Or to just accept it? And why is it so difficult to do so? Does it even exist? It seems like nowadays, human nature is almost an oxymoron like jumbo shrimp or something.

I'm sorry I let myself get so comfortable with you. I'm sorry I forgot about boundaries, of what I could and couldn't tell you, and what I could or couldn't do. I'm sorry that I thought I could tell you anything I've ever felt in my life. I'm sorry that I've only ever been more of a sinner than a saint. I'm sorry that I took advantage of you. I'm sorry that I ever believed you would always be there for me and that you would never leave my side. I'm sorry that I never thought that things would get this way.

Of late I've found that my favorite parts of the day is not when I get out of class, or when I'm with my friends, but when I'm in the shower or going to the bathroom or even just sleeping, or when my roommate falls asleep. My favorite parts of the day are the parts where I can be by myself.

Don't get me wrong, you know. I'm not miserable here. I'm a little homesick, but you know, who wouldn't with a mom like mine always checking up on me and telling me that she misses me through my dog, ie. the only way to get me to listen. I don't know. I suppose I am homesick. Perhaps extremely. But 95% of the time, I'm content. I'm okay, better than okay. I'm good. I'm not that happy I was when Pablo and I were together, but I don't think I'll ever be that happy again until I find somebody else. It's just trying to convince myself that now I don't need it, or can't have it. I'm so busy already and it's only the second week of school. My freedom has only just begun. It's just hard craving that happiness, that thing you once have, and no one around to help you feel or be satisfied. It's true when they say that love is like a drug. Love is a drug. It's addicting. It makes you not think or make decisions properly. It feels so good, but its probably so bad for you, but you don't even care because it makes everything, all the pain, misery, problems, it makes them all go away. Yes, love is a drug. Love is my heroin. And you were the syringe.

Ew, yo, that's grimy. YOU are grimy.

It sucks to think that its not only you who tries to keep yourself in my life, yet everyone around me. Or at least some people. If I still wanted you in my life, I would have come back or stayed. I don't want to talk about you every time I catch up with people when they ask how I'm doing. I don't bring you up, and neither should they.

We need to talk, but I don't want to. And I don't think I care enough.

So I guess its up to you to not let things go sour.

I hate idealists.

Wanted: someone with a sense of reality, who thinks in the now. Love is not a fairy tale. If you've felt it before, you'd know that that's exactly what it isn't.

I just sat in my room for about an hour staring out my window, eating chips because I'm so annoyed by these stupid idealists and idiots that surround me.

ps. I wish you would stop acting like it was me who messed up. Sure, I did, but it was also you who never tried to fix things. And then you bring him up like its such an awful thing that he's going nowhere in his life. Maybe he isn't, but neither are you. You're just as bad as selfish as he was, if not worse. At least he never gave up on trying to love. Well, at least that was until the end. But that's besides the point. I'm annoyed with you. And you're very lucky I know how to bite my tongue.

"Communication is also a key foundation of relationships."

- Communication in Our Lives, Julia T. Wood.

Well, duh, asshole.

I am also a professional at self-sabotage.

Almost passed out at the gym yesterday. :D Beauty is pain, bitches.

But let's just get this week over with, shall we? I wish it was October!

Dear world, would it be too much to ask if just for a second I could be left alone? Sincerely, me.

ps. I like him because he tells me to take life one day at a time. Something you could never tell me if it hit you in the face like I did so many times.

I should've cheated when I had the chance. And I had a lot of chances. I'm a fool for ever loving you. That was my biggest mistake.

"Woe unto the world because of offenses; for it must needs be that offenses come, but woe to that man by whom the offense cometh."

I'm an addict for dramatics. I confuse the two for love. "You can't tell me that you don't beg..."

You know that I could use someone like you.

Man, being nostalgic.

Should I or should I not? Either way, I still have no idea. What? No. Yes. Yes. Yep. Ok.

I feel like singing.

October calls for 2 things: either backpacking to the highest point in Southern California or surfing in Mexico.

It would totally be nice, if I could like, not wake up every hour of the night before a busy day.

I have a thing about laughing and smiling when I cry. That's what my shrink said when I last talked to her. She told me, "It's okay to not smile and laugh all the time. It doesn't mean that you're weak." But I don't really know.

I just want to love again.

Just a few good songs..

..that will always be as beautiful as they were the first time I heard them.

And of course, the original.

And even though I'm 3,000 miles away...

Going out now, I feel more beautiful than I ever was when I went out with you. Don't get me wrong, I felt beautiful when it was just the two of us, and when we were at home, I just didn't care, but I don't think I ever really enjoyed going out with you. Plus whenever we went out, unless you were holding my hand, it was like we weren't even together or you had your hand on my shoulder like I was your property, which I always hated. No matter how much I said you were mine or you said that I was yours. It's because we took each other's virginity. Not because your hand was on my shoulder or mine was on yours.

Last night in NoVa was a success. Spent it with people who actually cared about me and people who wanted to see me. Not with people who just And even though I didn't get to see everyone I wanted to see, they were most likely burning up my phone to see me. I feel bad that I didn't get to see everyone I wanted to see, but it's not like I'm leaving for good. Not yet at least. It wasn't a "good-bye." Well, it was, but more like a "good-bye for now." But it wasn't sad, which is good. It was how it's supposed to be. It was a good time with real people. That's sort of my new thing now. Reality. But it's good, you know? It's a shit ton better than surrounding yourself with people that only act like they like you because they have to, or people that only care about you because someone you know does. And I think it's safe to say that's what a whole lot of the 2 1/2 years of my life were. Plus, how much can someone really care about you if they choose to break up with you over the phone after that long and then they try to completely erase you from their life like nothing ever happened? They either don't care at all, or are too afraid to look into your eyes and tell you that they don't love you anymore. Neither of which I want in my life at any point.

I guess I missed you so much because I was so comfortable with you this past almost 3 years. That's all you really were to me. Maybe love goes hand in hand with comfort. And being miserable and on-edge constantly because it feels like your life has just fallen apart is not comfortable at all. So don't get me wrong, I was in love with you. Not at the beginning, but I learned to. And I learned to love you more when everything with Tom happened. But we should've ended things then. I'm not saying that I cheated, but we should have. We were both so young, and you were stupid to think that you could put me in a box away from the world and call me yours. We were stupid to think that we would never look or think about anyone else but each other. I mean, just the possibility of meeting other people that I could love more than I loved you and love me more than you did made me look around. I would think, "Wow, maybe a couple years from now I could meet somebody in this room down the road, and we fall madly in love with each other," or more than I thought you and I were. But anyway, even though that's when I realized that I was in love with you, I knew you would never trust me afterwards. But I mean, I never trusted you. And I still don't. And I stand beside every reason I have to not trust you. So then maybe love doesn't go hand in hand with comfort, or maybe it does, but just with trust in the mix. Because if it was just comfort, I've probably been in love with a lot of people, which I haven't. But then I don't know, because I know I was in love with you. I can't explain how or why, but I know that if I wasn't, then I wouldn't have reacted the way I did. We were stupid to not take our relationship day by day like we should have from the beginning. Like how I wanted it to be, but I guess somewhere in the frenzy of hormones that idea got lost. And I'm sorry, because we just caused ourself an entire 2 1/2 years a cocktail of happiness, tears, pain, and anger for no reason.

But anyway, in about 13 hours I will be on a Los Angeles, and then later to my new home in San Diego. I'm sorry we couldn't be friends, but that's no fault of mine.

Fell asleep around 7AM, woke up around 11AM.

I'm sorry you feel the need to try to be that person you were before we met. Because no matter how hard you try, you're never going to be exactly the same. And 2 1/2 years ago, you were still in love with me.

So much for sleep @ 4:22:47 AM.

I'm so tired.

Dear you,

I know you're reading this. Because you always do. I hate how I have to talk to you here because I know otherwise you will just yell at me. Please think of how it is to know that you are able to see how I'm doing and how I'm feeling, but only through here, in the comfort of your own privacy because you know no one will look through your history. Why is it that you are able to know how I am doing, but I am unable to see how you are doing? How is that fair? Do you think you're protecting me? Do you think you're protecting yourself? You were always so full of secrets and hiding things. At least if I were talking to people that I "shouldn't" have been talking to, I told you straight up, or you saw because I'm not a fucking coward. Do you think trying to erase me from your life will keep me out of your mind and your thoughts? That's sort of funny because with you trying to erase me, you think about me every time. Just because we said our good-byes, doesn't mean you have to erase me. Are you ashamed of how you were with me? Do you think that if your friends found out, they would be mad at you? Or call you a pussy or a faggot? And tell you to man up? I do. That's just how your friends are. Some of them, at least. So afraid of showing some sort of feeling or emotion, so that no one would ever think you were weak. But that's where you're wrong. By hiding your emotions, YOU are the weak one. I feel sorry for you.

I'm sorry that all I ever wanted you to do was feel how you made me feel. Whether it was happiness, love, sadness or even anger. I just wanted you to feel.

I've really only wanted what's best for you. You should know that. But if you've reached down to here, and you have the balls to take a risk, without your cheerleading squad of friends whispering into your ear to resist, call me after you read this.

Love Always,

Me

ps. Kitty said she will miss you a lot.

Dear journal, I feel worse than I did when he first broke up with me.

I think most of all I just miss you holding me and telling me that everything is going to be alright.

I hate how you tell me not to cry. Crying makes me feel better. It really does. That's what it's supposed to do. I miss you so much. I feel like I gave up the last few remnants of my life with you, and I hate it.

Every time I think of you, I wish that you think of me too. I wish you would have learned that it's okay to be sad, and it's okay to be like this. Because it is. This isn't one of those things that you can just completely erase and forget that it ever happened. I think that's the key to getting over it and to being strong. You have to face your fears and your problems for them to really go away.

Today my shrink was telling me this analogy, comparing these "fears" (is what we'll call them) to getting a splinter. If you have a splinter in your hand, and you leave it in because you know it will hurt too much to take it out, and then it gets infected and doesn't heal very fast. But if you take it out, yes, it hurts a lot at first, there is a lot of pain. But it heals faster. I try so hard every day, but I feel like because you keep running away from it, I can't. You are my other half, and what you do, what you think, I feel it. I don't think I've studied someone so hard in my life, and tried to get them to know me back. I always think that if you would have waited, it would get better. Because I felt the same way you felt, numerous times when things got rough. But I knew I couldn't give up. I couldn't give up one you, on me, on us. I never will. And if you asked me to fall in love with you again, I would. But I know right now that you won't. And you will try to deny everything I've written. But maybe one day you will realize that we are two halves that form one. Why would something that feels so right, that is so right, be wrong? It was real, what we had. I hope that one day you realize it, but I know that right now, you don't. And I feel sorry for you.

Sorry to break it to you, but love isn't glamorous. It isn't 100% problem free. That just isn't possible.

Today is a good day for good-byes. Maybe not a good day, but it's going to be the only day this week that I will be okay with it. Its funny that I said good-bye to you on what would have been our 32nd month together. I'm glad it was today rather than any other day. I don't think I've felt that I've ever loved you more in my life than today. But it's okay. It's okay because I'm ready to say good-bye.

Victoria is saying good-bye to David today. She's dropping him off at his recruiter's. And then her and Diana are coming with me to bring Twilight to the Humane Society today. I wanted to hold on to her for a while, but I figured it would just be worse. Today is also my last day of work.

So today might not be a good day. But it's a day that I'm willing to be okay to be sad for/about. It's a day where I'm ready to say good-bye, which is amazing because I hate good-byes.

Wow, I just realized what today is. Or would have been. FML.

Crossing my fingers at everything working out this last week before I leave. By far the most chill day I have had a work in a long time. Diana never fails to keep me smiling, even when I'm sad. She's probably one of the most real people I have ever met in my life. Maybe one of the only, but mostly people she's real the entire time. Don't get me wrong, I've met some real people in my life. But it was like, with them, as soon as something came up, they were gone or completely, you know, un-real. In a bad way. The new kid at work is pretty real too, but I guess more real in a "chill, no b.s." sort of way.

It usually days like these, that start off really bad, and then end up going well, that I realize that things are going to be okay. The other day my horoscope told me to stop looking for love. I've been pondering that all weekend. Especially since meeting you-know-who. I think I tried to because I remembered how happy I used to be when Pablo and I were okay, content, happy? Just not arguing or sad. That's when I was my happiest because I knew nothing ever mattered, and I never had a care in the world. Or at least, I felt like it. It just really fuckin' sucks. And I hate to say it, but these past few episodes of True Blood have not only taken my mind away from the world, but also brought me back to where I currently am. Especially in this last episode, where Bill starts to notice the little things telling him that he's slowly starting to lose Sookie. I feel like I always sort of had that with Pablo, but maybe he'd always done the same as well. I was always scared that I was going to lose him, because I knew that so much of a good thing couldn't possibly last forever. It just wasn't really until this last time where I realized I was actually losing him. I think I knew it, but I was just in denial. Maybe I was just blind. But love makes you do stupid things.

And for that, I hate it. But I crave it.

What an awful day. I. feel. like. shit.

Before you come in, please remember to leave your bullshit at the door.

Today was quite a new day. I suppose I really took my first breath of being single? I've always been a little flirtatious. I mean, a little, to me, but to other maybe extremely? Maybe? At my new shrink's, I was able to finally be angry with Pablo for, well, everything. Which to her, is a good thing, and I think maybe the last task on her "Guide to Getting Over Your Ex." And then I finally got to understanding/realizing/analyzing my situation, and thought, "You know what? In a week from tomorrow, I will be 3,000 miles away from this place. That's what we've both been dreaming of for the past 3 years. And I honestly feel sorry for him because he's staying here." I think that for the most part, I don't feel sorry for him because his family and his friends are all here. Or most of them at least. But I think the people that are here for him, are the people that are going to stay here for the rest of their lives. And for that I pity them. This is a terrible place to spend your late teens even to your 30's. Especially for people like us. People that crave adventure and excitement, or even just some sort of entertainment. And after I left my appointment, I felt okay. I didn't feel the need to look to see if his car was sitting, parked in front of his work. Or anything.

And then later I met a boy. Well, much less of a boy and more of a man, at least. Maybe it was just his freedom or aura of independence that attracted me to him because to be honest with you, I haven't found a white guy, other than the ones in the magazines or on the silver screens as attractive as he was in ages. Maybe never. He was like a god. And he came up to me first! (Rock climbing adventure with Diana today was a brilliant idea.) It was funny because when we first came in, we saw from far away him taking off his shirt. Diana said, "Damn, see, HE has a nice body," and I replied with, "Ehh, he's too skinny," and then she said, "Well, yeah, kind of." And we brushed it off. We'd been there for about an hour, unbeknownst to us, we were late for our threading appointment, but that's besides the point. And then we just sort of hit it off, probably because autobelays hate me I swung everywhere, I dunno, think damsel in distress sort of thing. Then we started talking. He moved here about a week ago for grad school at GW, from NY, which I thought was ironic because I'm moving in about a week for school in San Diego. We talked a lot actually. And it was good. I realized he wasn't as skinny/scrawny as I thought he was. Just basically 0% body fat, and all muscle? With a pair of the most beautiful deltoids I have ever seen in my life. Wow, I sound like a creep. But it was true. He really had me at the, "Yeah, it's cool, I basically wake up every morning walking around the city doing whatever I want to do, whenever." But that's really it. Nothing too interesting. I don't even really remember what his face looked like, but that his hair was really odd, curly, pretty long, and best of all, sun-bleached. It was odd, but it looked good on him and it suited him. He just looked so natural. Sort of the opposite of me, but not even halfway in between. Although he didn't have a beard. But I think he looked just fine without one.

Rock climbing is so much fun though, and I think if I could spend my entire day there I would. Hopefully I get to go again before I leave. If not, I hope I can find people that climb at the REC Center, etc. at school as nice and as real as them. I seem to be missing a whole lot of real in my life, and I think that's just what I need.

I don't want to get better unless you're there with me. I can't get better.

I'm slowly getting the hang of things, but sometimes I wish you would still call me or come to me begging for support. I hate that I can't to you. What do you do when your life support stops working?

And here I thought I was doing well today.

Sometimes I think that you're a liar.

Why do they say that if you love someone, you should set them free? The entire time while we were together, my mom would tell me that if I really loved him, then I would set him free so that he could mature and go back to school. Sometimes I think that is what he did for me. He set me free so that I could live my life, and study, and be successful. I don't really know. And I doubt I ever will. Sometimes I feel like he still loves me. But I never know what to believe now. I know what I want to believe in. I want to believe in us. I had so much hope and faith, and there's nothing that I wanted more than for us to be together forever.

Sometimes I think that if you heard my prayers, you would laugh and tell me to move on. Other times I think you would cry and tell me how sorry you are for hurting me. And then times other than those I feel like you would just look at me with your sad eyes, or try not to, and just not say a thing, tapping your fingers to some strange beat. Its funny because I feel like now that we're not together, I know you more than I ever have.

I used to think we could reach each others thoughts because if we were talking and I thought long and hard enough, you would ask or say exactly what I was thinking you would say. Maybe I just guessed long enough in my head to be right. But sometimes now I will just sit by myself, and pretend that I'm talking to you, hoping that somewhere you are doing the same thing. I feel like the closer I get to leaving, the more and more I miss you. It's times like tonight where I am almost reluctant to go out because I think about what it would have been like if we went together, because I know, despite what you think, we would have a good time together. Probably an even better time than I am going to have.

My mom keeps telling me to not be upset when I go to work because it will keep me busy. But everything there reminds me of you. Sneaking you in to see all the pets, you standing outside with me when I walk the dogs, making sure that none of them kill me, calling you while I fold laundry, or not being able to hear you when I'm in the kennel, texting you when I'm waiting in the hallway to help doctors. Thank you for not ignoring me and my calls. I just want us to be okay again because right now, I miss you so much.

I remember when we used to take naps together. Sometimes in the morning after our parents left for work, or even just after I came home from work on a saturday afternoon just like this. Now I can only fall asleep if I'm by your side.

Going home is always the worst part of my day, no matter who I'm with.

"We'd look better when we're dead."

Today, my new shrink asked me where all my anger was. And I honestly didn't know..She said, "You should hate him so much; he betrayed you, made you believe all these things, and then turned his back on all of it." I don't know why, but this whole time, I haven't. I mean, I suppose I hate him for putting a little halt on my ideas for the future, but it's nothing I couldn't figure out on my own. I think that maybe I am just too in love with him to be that way.

And then later on, I was talking to Vicky and I was just thinking aloud, but I said, "I hate how all adults or older people think that kids around our age don't know what love it. I wonder why." And she said, "Well, yeah. I feel like this is the time where you know and don't know the most. This is the time where you're the most fragile, but still looking, and willing to look to find love." And even though I never looked to love Pablo, it found me, I think that is true. I was planning on spending the rest, or at least my entire life with him. I never cared that I could or couldn't find better. I never wanted better, I wanted him. And honest to god, I think I was in love with him. Otherwise why would it have gotten so serious or the months? Maybe he wasn't in love with me, but I think I do know that I am or was in love with him. I suppose that quote I mentioned before about how "It's better to love and lost, than to never have loved at all," I suppose it is true. What I shared with him was or at least to me felt like one in a billion. I know we fought, but I also know that when we didn't, I was the happiest I ever was with him. And I guess I am glad to say that I have experienced love, and that I wouldn't take it back for the world. I just don't think that I could or would even want to share it with anyone else. Is this soulmate talk? Who knows? Could be. But I know that what we had and what I shared with him, was real. And I guess in the next chapter of my life, I just want to find the rest of the parts that are. The things that are real.

My new shrink is across the street from Pablo's work. 

I hope I don't wake up. 

Sometimes I get the greatest urge to call you and tell you about my day. But then I remember that you probably don't care. Like now, I was remembering how I used to get so mad at you for messing up my bed sheets. I was just thinking that you should take a look at them now.  Today was bad and good in many ways. It's so hard for you to look me in the eyes now. I don't know why, but you almost never will, and when you catch yourself doing it, you turn away. It's just hard to say goodbye, you know? I'm so scared of losing you in my life. I hate thinking how this is the "last" time. Why do you think I was always so sad when it was time for me to leave your house or when you dropped me off at home? I hate myself for falling in love with you every day. 

I made plans for the weekend hoping that maybe you might want to come with me. But I know you won't. I still have hope, even though I know that I shouldn't. Today you held me and told me that everything was going to be okay. I started crying some more because I knew you were right, and that everything would be okay. 

"We've got love and hate, it's the only way."

"Walk Away" by Ben Harper

Oh no- here comes that sun again. 
And (that) means another day without you my friend. 
And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself. 
And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else. 

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say. 
But sometimes - sometimes, 
you just have to walk away - walk away. 

With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one? 
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun. 

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say. 
But sometimes - sometimes, 
you just have to walk away - walk away and head for the door. 

We've tried the goodbye so many days. 
We walk in the same direction so that we could never stray. 
They say if you love somebody than you have got to set them free, 
but I would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery. 
They say time will make all this go away, 
but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays. 
And once again that rising sun is droppin' on down 
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found. 

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say. 
But sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away, walk away and head for the door. 
You just walk away - walk away - walk away. 
You just walk away, walk on, turn and head for the door.

Lately, I've found that loves is easily the best and the worst thing in the world. Though all you really do need is love. Maybe for another person, maybe not. Maybe for yourself, as in to motivate you to keep moving forward. Maybe for what you do or what you don't do.  I know with Pablo, at times I was the happiest girl in the world, and others the most morbidly depressed girl in the world. But things are different now. And I know that I must move on and love myself for a while because I spent most of those 2 1/2 years loving him and nobody else. 

And luckily, I am able to say that today went well.

Very well. :)

ps. I'm [not?] sorry that I slapped you in the face the other day. Twice. You needed it. And it made me feel better.

pps. But I'm happy to say that I no longer, well today at least, grew sad or upset when I still mentioned our past times or saw things that reminded me of you. And it feels good.

Heading towards the Atlantic in the AM. Gone for however long. 

This is why now, even though we are the way we are, I don't believe a thing you say to me.

An email from you to me, about 2 weeks before you left me.

I hate this so much because I try to just act like i dont care about anything so that maybe i wont. youre AMAZING and its bullshit because i know that i wont ever find anyone like you. i feel like such crap without you. i hate myself so much for being mean to you. i just dont know where this is going i dont know if we're going to make it or not and i try to convince myself that it wont, because then you'll be free from all of my bullshit. when i think about us, memories flash through my mind like pictures through a slideshow, and i honestly dont know what i am without you. I know that whatever i would be, it would be less than half of what i am with you. I am terribly in love with you and the idea that we might not work kills me. it drives me to a breaking point where i just dont know what to do or say. i hate myself for everything bad thats ever come from this relationship, but i love you for everything good thats come of it. i hope this works out for whatever's best. i can only hope and wait. i love you.

-Pablo A. Enriquez

But, alas, I know that this must be the way it is. And so it is. I have hope though that one day you might find your way back to me. And things will be just like they were the first day of our lives together. As for now, I suppose time really just isn't on our side. Or a few of your friends. But please know that I love you, and I will always love you. Just be safe, and I pray to God, that you will never forget me, because I will never forget you.

I need to do something for myself. 

Something that will make me happy. 

Something that will bring back that girl from 2 1/2 years ago.

Something that will bring her back, and make her stay.

We have this old dog named Cosmo that comes into work. And today, they brought him in for a bath and boarding over the weekend. He was soaking wet so everyone just thought they he had gotten a bath. But I didn't understand because he had leaves and mud on him. Turns out he was covered in fleas and maggots. It wasn't until we called the owner to tell him that he decided to tell us that he's been "slowing down" lately. 

Come on, now. Seriously. Wtf.

Remember when it was YOUR idea to move out with me?

I never forced you, or even asked you to go.

I just think that's funny........maybe you should tell your friends.

July--in a nutshell.

http://imyournumbertwo.livejournal.com/

I won't repost it because I'm starting over.

No one should ever go through the amount of tears, misery, and suffering that I have undergone in the past 2 weeks.

But I would do it all over again, if he asked me.

Right now, I am unsure of mostly everything:

-College major

-Career path

-Whether or not I want to stay in San Diego at SDSU

Basically, I am unsure of who I am and what I want to be.

I thought I knew, but after Pablo broke up with me, my mind just draws a blank.

The past 2 weeks I have spent thinking of what I could have, should have, and would have done to keep our relationship strong, and I find that the only thing I could have done different was the entire thing.

He told me that he loved me, and I never believed him when I should have. Because I know he did, but my myriad of issues regarding trust leaves me with no choice.

I thought I had my entire life figured out with him. He helped me figure it out. And now that he wants nothing to do with me, I just don't know what to do. I wish I could just talk to him though, if not as a girlfriend, or a lover, but as a person or a friend. Just to get that sense of stability back. It's hard to see him with other people, especially those people whom have hurt me more than he has. But I will get over it. I know because that is what everyone is telling me. And if there's one thing I should have done 2 and 1/2 almost 3 years ago, is listen.